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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 19th Oct 2016, 11:21
  #8781 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: No longer in Jurassic Park eating Toblerone....
Posts: 2,652
Top 10 Country & Western Songs

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer I Drink.


And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
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Old 19th Oct 2016, 18:14
  #8782 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Malvern
Age: 71
Posts: 0
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

Husband texts back:
"GENTLY POUR SOME WARM WATER OVER
THE EDGES AND THENTAP EDGES SHARPLY
WITH HAMMER"

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW!"
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Old 19th Oct 2016, 19:32
  #8783 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 00:53
  #8784 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,147
Call the POLICE - When You're Old, and You Don't Move Fast
Anymore.....

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George
opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then
he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them
right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 01:27
  #8785 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 110
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay
a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and
entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She
was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted
to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man
wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock
on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do
then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over
to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock
tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to
taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped
out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 09:52
  #8786 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
There's a new charity supporting youngsters fleeing to the UK from the Calais jungle camps.

Please give whatever you can to Shave the Children!
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 11:30
  #8787 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
The origins of yodelling.

Following on from BlankBox, and in the same vain:
William Tell was lost in the mountains and was offered shelter by a goat herder, wife & luscious daughter. House rules etc. etc.
Some months later the truth is obvious and the goat herder furious. He vows to seek revenge and wanders the hills and valleys in search of the vagabond WT. From the mountain tops he cries, "William Tell took advantage of my daughter." He scours the Alps day after day. "William Tell took advantage of my daughter."
Then one day, drifting on the wind comes a reply, (to be sung in hi pitch) "an yur ol lady too."

Last edited by RAT 5; 20th Oct 2016 at 14:58.
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 12:20
  #8788 (permalink)  
QTG
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 93
Old bloke and wife at the doctors.

Doctor to old bloke: "Right, I need a urine sample, stool sample, and a semen sample".

Old bloke to wife: "What did he say?"

Wife to old bloke: "Never mind. Just give him your underpants".
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 21:27
  #8789 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 22:05
  #8790 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
A ing big one.

Either that or it's invaded and defeated the dog in mortal combat and is looking for its next victim.

ETA: Actually, looking at the photo I'm concerned by the number of legs it appears to have.
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 22:41
  #8791 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
Posts: 174
Must be an Octomoose.
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Old 20th Oct 2016, 23:55
  #8792 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 624
Linedog, can't be an octomoose with seven legs.
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 01:31
  #8793 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
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Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by jolihokistix View Post
Linedog, can't be an octomoose with seven legs.
Then it must be Septimus, Shirley?
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 03:47
  #8794 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: California
Posts: 344
The other one has its leg raised and is pissing on the dog..

f
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 07:52
  #8795 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
No,no. Thats a tree in the background.
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 10:16
  #8796 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
I think the implication might be that if the dog can control these beasts you better 'beware of the dog'.


It reminds me of the quizzical looks given me by a young relation once. He knew a little about golf; very little. We were touring the N.Yorks moors where the early warning radar large white spherical radar domes are. He heard of the marauding Vikings and their presence in these remote parts centuries ago.
"What's that?" asked curious youngster. "They call them golf balls." said I in innocence; well perhaps. A glaze of questioning and deep thought drew across his eyes & furrowed brow. "Are we in a giant's golf course?" he asked. "Wow they must hit them from here to forever."
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 11:21
  #8797 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 166
Talking of golf jokes:-

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught onfire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ..."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf
club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."














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Old 21st Oct 2016, 12:34
  #8798 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: LPPT
Age: 54
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by G-CPTN View Post
Then it must be Septimus, Shirley?
Right! No more wine to that table...
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Old 21st Oct 2016, 13:04
  #8799 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Hyeres, France
Posts: 1
I was doing a crossword the other day.

The clue was Frogmen, 6 letters.

Ah, I thought, then the answer is 'DIVERS'...

Turns out the answer was 'FRENCH'
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Old 22nd Oct 2016, 00:02
  #8800 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
Against all the odds, people said I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

Take a look at me now.
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