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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 12th Oct 2016, 04:22
  #8741 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
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Reporter: 'So, Mrs Kennedy, apart from that, how was Dallas?'

________


A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.

The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"

The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'

(I apologise for the age of these jokes.)
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 07:44
  #8742 (permalink)  
 
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
The 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious, the caretaker says.
"Hes decomposing."
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 08:52
  #8743 (permalink)  
 
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M
an in doctor's surgery: 'I don't know what's wrong with me, Doc. Everyhere I look, I keep seeing rabbits.'

Doctor: 'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'

Man: 'No, only rabbits.'
Man said to the psychiatrist - I keep dreaming that I'm making love to a packet of biscuits.

What sort of biscuits ?

Don't know what you call them, but they're square and keep breaking.

Oh, that's easy, you're fckuing crackers.
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 09:11
  #8744 (permalink)  
 
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Mate told his ex partner he wanted to keep in contact with her so much that he giving her a new phone so they always stay in contact.................... she doesn't read the news so she really happy with he Samsung Galaxy S7.
And she was really delighted with her new phone. She was about to buy a Galaxy Note 7 but couldn't find one in the shops.
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 09:37
  #8745 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 09:44
  #8746 (permalink)  
 
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You've probably heard this before:

What goes clip, clop, clip, clop, clip,cop, bang, bang, bang, clippity clop, clippity clop.....?

An Amish drive-by shooting
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 18:02
  #8747 (permalink)  
 
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I had to send my new mustard knife back for a refund - it didn't work.

PDR
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 21:02
  #8748 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 21:36
  #8749 (permalink)  
 
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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. Im pretty sure she was hitting on me.
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Old 12th Oct 2016, 21:54
  #8750 (permalink)  
 
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Don't feel bad Wolf. I'm pretty certain that my Psychiatrist thinks I'm paranoid.
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Old 13th Oct 2016, 03:27
  #8751 (permalink)  
 
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A very busty young blonde lass was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said ... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this for a few seconds, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says ... "Well, go ahead then, I'll give it a try!"
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Old 13th Oct 2016, 06:24
  #8752 (permalink)  
 
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A variation of Blankbox's sign:

...and the bank teller says "Don't you mean a STICKUP?"
"No, it's a f**kup, I forgot my gun."
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Old 13th Oct 2016, 16:40
  #8753 (permalink)  
 
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The Military Way:

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance, hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis only to find an American Soldier selling silk
ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "there's no water, the well is dry... Would you
like to buy a tie instead? They're only 10 bucks."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "I don't care if you don't want to buy a tie and
I don't even care if you hate me; I will show you that I am bigger than that,
and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that
hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officers Club, it
has all the ice cold water you need... "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later
he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!"
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Old 13th Oct 2016, 17:38
  #8754 (permalink)  
 
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Old 13th Oct 2016, 20:12
  #8755 (permalink)  
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 10:35
  #8756 (permalink)  
 
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Re the decomposing joke before: https://goo.gl/images/VuEQf8
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 11:35
  #8757 (permalink)  
 
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The original goes back to 1877. Gilbert and Sullivan went to the US to manage the copyright performance of the Pirates of Penzance. Amongst their social meetings was a social climbing New York lady who patronised Sullivan "Mr Sullivan your music is so like that of dear Bach (which she pronounced BATCH). Tell me, is dear Batch still composing?"
"No madam", said Sullivan, "These days, he is doing more decomposing".
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 12:38
  #8758 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 13:21
  #8759 (permalink)  
 
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ricardian,
Before we go any further, on behalf of myself and others, I must simply say thanks for your valuable contributions.

On a similar note to the above .. If you really have to lock your wife and your dog in the garage before you go fishing ..
on your return, which one is most likely to be pleased to see you?
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Old 14th Oct 2016, 16:44
  #8760 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Stanwell View Post
ricardian,
Before we go any further, on behalf of myself and others, I must simply say thanks for your valuable contributions.

On a similar note to the above .. If you really have to lock your wife and your dog in the garage before you go fishing ..
on your return, which one is most likely to be pleased to see you?
Thank you Stanwell. Here's another little gem

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