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Friday Jokes

Old 4th Oct 2016, 20:50
  #8721 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 23
Well, on with the show as they say...

...with an oldie but a goody to kick things off.

A young Irish vicar would ride his bicycle down the path between towns where he would meet an elderly priest from another parish, and they would discuss matters daily, until one day the old priest noticed the vicar walking instead of riding and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?"

The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.

"Well, then", the old priest said, "Next Sunday, do a sermon about the ten commandments and preach heavily on THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed and went off.

The next week, The two met again and this time the vicar was again riding his bicycle. "See what I meant!" the Old Priest said. "The power of the Word. The Ten Commandments, and Thou Shall not steal!"

The vicar responded, "Well, not exactly, Father. I was preaching about the Ten Commandments, and I was all ready to preach heavy on 'Thou Shall Not Steal', but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, all of a sudden I remembered where me bike was!"
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Old 6th Oct 2016, 20:13
  #8722 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 123
Letter From Oregon Dept. of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:

ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research,we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.
attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not. If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


Dear Mr. Niemela:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident).
You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw, you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6" from net frame to the bottom of the net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely, Larry & Amanda Anderson
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Old 7th Oct 2016, 18:55
  #8723 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 168
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.

When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.

Turns out he's an odd job man.
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Old 8th Oct 2016, 02:20
  #8724 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 123
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Old 10th Oct 2016, 01:47
  #8725 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: New South Wales
Posts: 65
Not original......shamelessly copied from the internet.

The other day I went over to a nearby Wal Mart Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacist's’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swirled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!" So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!" Well, I can never go back to that Wal Mart, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!
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Old 10th Oct 2016, 08:34
  #8726 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South East of Penge
Age: 71
Posts: 1,489
There is an apocryphal medical story about Doctor's rounds at a hospital with a group of medical students in tow.
By a patient's bed was a sample bottle full of urine. Picking up the bottle, the doctor dipped a finger in it then sucked on his finger: before passing the bottle around to the class who in turn repeated the exercise.
" Anybody notice anything?" Asked the doc.
Dumb looks all round.
"Thought so". he went on ." Nobody noticed that I dipped my first finger in the urine, then sucked on my second".
Haraka is offline  
Old 10th Oct 2016, 18:00
  #8727 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Back in the UK from the Sunshine Island for the last 8 years.
Posts: 90
Doc Hospital.

Doc doing his rounds one morning with a bunch of trainees in tow pulls a thermometer out of his inside pocket, looks quizzically at it and pronounces "Damn ! Some bum's got my biro".
sailor is offline  
Old 10th Oct 2016, 18:59
  #8728 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: cowtown
Posts: 171
I am told that the only difference between an Oral thermometer and an Anal thermometer is how it tastes
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Old 10th Oct 2016, 20:14
  #8729 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
One is much better advised than the other for a true reading after a curry. As one friend mentioned, his local curry house had the hottest vindaloo that he kept the toilet paper in the fridge.
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Old 10th Oct 2016, 22:48
  #8730 (permalink)  

Only half a speed-brake
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Commuting home
Age: 43
Posts: 3,098
The only winning side after the recent presidential candidate's debate is the Voyager deep space probe, currently still increasing its distance from Earth at 17 km/s.
FlightDetent is online now  
Old 10th Oct 2016, 23:36
  #8731 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172
Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 11th Oct 2016, 04:04
  #8732 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 202
An actual conversation last weekend:

"Is he a microbiologist?"

"No, he is full size"
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Old 11th Oct 2016, 07:23
  #8733 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172
Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 11th Oct 2016, 14:48
  #8734 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 74
Posts: 251
A friend of mine used to work at the Central Veterinary Laboratory. She would test horses to ensure they were fit to breed; looking for traces of equine venereal disease. She told me there was a technical term for this.....they called it....

The Clop.
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Old 11th Oct 2016, 16:28
  #8735 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,409
A friend of mine used to work at the Central Veterinary Laboratory. She would test horses to ensure they were fit to breed; looking for traces of equine venereal disease. She told me there was a technical term for this.....they called it....

The Clop.
not to be confused with the more common disease of the mouth which they call ...

the clip
lomapaseo is offline  
Old 11th Oct 2016, 20:28
  #8736 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A Putin pun
ricardian is offline  
Old 11th Oct 2016, 21:26
  #8737 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 81
Posts: 1,159
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Old 11th Oct 2016, 22:47
  #8738 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
Posts: 209
Mate told his ex partner he wanted to keep in contact with her so much that he giving her a new phone so they always stay in contact.................... she doesn't read the news so she really happy with he Samsung Galaxy S7.
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Old 11th Oct 2016, 23:54
  #8739 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 123
BlankBox is offline  
Old 12th Oct 2016, 04:17
  #8740 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Man in doctor's surgery: 'I don't know what's wrong with me, Doc. Everyhere I look, I keep seeing rabbits.'

Doctor: 'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'

Man: 'No, only rabbits.'
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