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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 17th Sep 2016, 11:59
  #8601 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
Originally Posted by Cazalet33 View Post
Just wait till the brat wants a PPL, then a CPL, then an ATPL, then a type rating in a shiny jet, then a car and a flat and a coupla thousand a month to top up the crappy minimum wage from working as a flying instructor.
Quite. A nephew did all that and is now a 2nd on squeezy.
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Old 17th Sep 2016, 13:50
  #8602 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Just wait till the brat wants a PPL, then a CPL, then an ATPL, then a type rating in a shiny jet, then a car and a flat and a coupla thousand a month to top up the crappy minimum wage from working as a flying instructor.
At least you'd have a chance to nail his trophy girlfriend


hey it IS JetBlast
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Old 17th Sep 2016, 21:24
  #8603 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Sep 2016, 02:14
  #8604 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Sep 2016, 09:12
  #8605 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
Ricardian, about your sex education joke, remember the Tamagotchi my daughter had this must have toy. It lasted one night before it suffered infanticide.

You can now download it as an App; now that is a joke
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Old 20th Sep 2016, 09:50
  #8606 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
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TurbineD
I can't immediately find the reference, but Sir Tommy Sopwith, when asked about his thoughts on becoming 100 years old, did come out with the "all my enemies are dead" point!
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Old 20th Sep 2016, 11:17
  #8607 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
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I admit this came from a friend: and I wonder at the % of it's truth. If it's 100% then it's funny enough to laugh & cry.


I finally found a Trump supporter -- this morning when I went to buy coffee. (I noticed a Trump bumper sticker on his car.)

“Hi,” I said. “Noticed your Trump bumper sticker.”

“Yup,” he said, a bit defensively.

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but I’m curious. Why are you supporting him?”

“I know he’s a little bit much,” said the Trump supporter. “But he’s a successful businessman. And we need a successful businessman as president.”

“How do you know he’s a successful businessman?” I asked.

“Because he’s made a fortune.”

“Has he really?” I asked.

“Of course. Forbes magazine says he’s worth four and a half billion.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s been a success,” I said.

“In my book it does,” said the Trump supporter.

“You know, in 1976, when Trump was just starting his career, he said he was worth about $200 million,” I said. “Most of that was from his father.”

“That just proves my point,” said the Trump supporter. “He turned that $200 million into four and a half billion. Brilliant man."

“But if he had just put that $200 million into an index fund and reinvested the dividends, he’d be worth twelve billion today,” I said.

The Trump supporter went silent.

"And he got about $850 million in tax subsidies, just in New York alone," I said.

More silence.

"He's not a businessman," I said. "He's a con man. "Hope you enjoy your coffee."
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Old 21st Sep 2016, 14:21
  #8608 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Very close to the Theatre of Dreams!
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If Will.I.Аm's gravestone doesn't say Will.I.Was, I'll be pretty disappointed
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Old 21st Sep 2016, 14:24
  #8609 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Very close to the Theatre of Dreams!
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Got one of those new fivers yesterday, they say they will last longer, cup of coffee and a cake and it was gone!
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Old 22nd Sep 2016, 14:26
  #8610 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
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They're selling for £200 on eBay!!
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Old 22nd Sep 2016, 16:52
  #8611 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
Kinda sounds like a joke.

BRIDE AND DOOM ISIS documents reveal jihadi wives receive SUICIDE VESTS and MACHINE GUNS as wedding gifts
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/183094...wedding-gifts/

What the hell did you expect? You registered at Kaboom's.
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Old 22nd Sep 2016, 22:09
  #8612 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Harwich UK
Age: 61
Posts: 30
A mate of mine was obsessed with eating snake meat. Nothing else would do. He'd shape it into patties, grill it, and eat it in buns with lettuce and relish.

I suppose he had asp-burgers.
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Old 22nd Sep 2016, 23:06
  #8613 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
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Age: 80
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Somewhere there's a picture of the Rivetess sitting on Khrushchev's lap.

There has to be a joke there somewhere.
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 02:13
  #8614 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Very close to the Theatre of Dreams!
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I'm selling my dogging equipment on eBay. No bids yet but 10 people are watching.
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 02:31
  #8615 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
That could be so wrong on several levels.
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 04:06
  #8616 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pattaya, Thailand
Age: 59
Posts: 216
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have a cunning plan. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says; "Bloody hell, it wasn't that creased in the shop".
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 06:53
  #8617 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
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The husband says; "Bloody hell, it wasn't that creased in the shop".
....... then the fight started.

Two Old Geezers sunbathing at the seaside when an elderly female, naked, streaker running across the sand leaped over them and continued without stopping.

Jesus, said one guy, what was that ? Dunno, said his friend but it needed ironing.
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 11:26
  #8618 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
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This is hilarious ))


Whites Only Laundry
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Old 23rd Sep 2016, 20:37
  #8619 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
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I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu

(Get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)
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Old 24th Sep 2016, 00:18
  #8620 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Very close to the Theatre of Dreams!
Posts: 156
If it's your birthday this week, take heart in knowing you were the result of a Xmas party shag on the photocopier.
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