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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 9th Sep 2016, 01:22
  #8581 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Cazalet33 View Post
Why do they have Braille keys on drive-through ATM keypads?
The cost of adding braille to an ATM keypad when being manufactured is negligible. It is a lot more costly two produce two lines of key pads (with Braille and non Braille) and then add to the production line the choice of which key pad to install.

Blind people don't drive anymore - their little bloody dog could not keep up on normal streets and get left way behind on the freeway..
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 06:53
  #8582 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Surrey
Posts: 155
Blind people don't drive anymore - their little bloody dog could not keep up on normal streets and get left way behind on the freeway..
There are however blind skydivers. They can tell when they're near the ground 'cos the dog's lead goes slack......
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 08:01
  #8583 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
Posts: 563
Blind people don't drive anymore - their little bloody dog could not keep up on normal streets and get left way behind on the freeway..
Used to car share to work with a mate. One morning on the M4 we noticed a Volvo Estate driving rather erratically. As we overtook it we noticed a Labrador in the back peering out worriedly at us.
My mate piped up "That explains everything it's the guide dogs day off"
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 14:55
  #8584 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Boston
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cazalet33 View Post
Why do they have Braille keys on drive-through ATM keypads?
The cost of adding braille to an ATM keypad when being manufactured is negligible. It is a lot more costly two produce two lines of key pads (with Braille and non Braille) and then add to the production line the choice of which key pad to install.
Also not unheard of for the user of the ATM to be in the back seat of a car so may get occasional use.


Blind people don't drive anymore - their little bloody dog could not keep up on normal streets and get left way behind on the freeway..
Long time ago I read an article about a commercial truck drive who was pulled over for erratic driving and was found to have his 4 year old son on his lap to help him see where he was going.

This was part of a push to tighten medical screening so hard to say how exagerated it was, but just the thought of it:

NO seat belt on the son!
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 15:25
  #8585 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 484
My blind mate and his also blind brother used to thrash an old paddock-basher around the family farm when they were kids. He reckoned it was easy enough to tell when you were off the track, and they got to know where the track turned.
I've also seen a photo of him riding a motor bike around an old quarry, with a (very brave, IMHO) guide riding pillion.
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 16:14
  #8586 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
I once saw a blind man and his guide dog walking along the pedestrian precinct in town, and watched as they stopped at the kerb and the dog cocked it's leg on the man's trousers and shoes. The man bent down and patted the dog's head! I had to go over and say how much he must love the dog to pat it after it did that to him. He said "I'm not patting him, I'm feeling for which end his head is at so I can kick his bloody arse!"
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Old 9th Sep 2016, 22:34
  #8587 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
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Originally Posted by MurphyWasRight View Post

Long time ago I read an article about a commercial truck drive who was pulled over for erratic driving and was found to have his 4 year old son on his lap
I think a Russian pilot did that too.
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Old 10th Sep 2016, 06:29
  #8588 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Cairns
Posts: 33
Lawyer Joke

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said,

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No".

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
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Old 10th Sep 2016, 11:27
  #8589 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
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When asked to tell a joke about difficult jobs.
"It's not easy to describe want my sister does, "she sells sea shells by the sea shore.'"
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Old 11th Sep 2016, 01:40
  #8590 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
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RAT 5

You asked for it and it's probably more than a year since it was in Friday jokes......

Phil and his wife lived in a house on the beach. They saw every day, a good looking young woman making her way along the beach, approaching people and selling the something. This worried Phil and his wife - was she selling drugs or something worse?

Being an awkward thing to go and ask, the wife sent Phil out to find what was happening. He came back looking very relieved and said "It's OK, it's nothing"

"Just what do you mean by that?" demanded his wife.

Phil replied " She is a battery saleswoman, her name is Sally and she sells C cells by the sea shore"
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Old 11th Sep 2016, 22:46
  #8591 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
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Old 12th Sep 2016, 21:53
  #8592 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
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My kids keep taking the pi$$ out of my Alzheimers. Won't be laughing when they wake up Christmas morning and there aren't any eggs under the bonfire
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Old 12th Sep 2016, 22:09
  #8593 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Adam and Eve were the first people not to read The Apple Terms and Conditions...............................
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Old 14th Sep 2016, 22:51
  #8594 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 15th Sep 2016, 11:16
  #8595 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum...

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down!"
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Old 16th Sep 2016, 12:48
  #8596 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:


The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again thatyou love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, fasterand better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!

Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot...
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Old 16th Sep 2016, 16:16
  #8597 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 16th Sep 2016, 16:48
  #8598 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mostly in my own imagination
Posts: 17
and then driving to baseball practice, football practice, band, then ballet.

Repeatedly

in a sh1tty minivan that smells of spilled food and vomit and has stickers all over the back side windows


etc etc
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Old 16th Sep 2016, 17:15
  #8599 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: North Up
Posts: 489
Just wait till the brat wants a PPL, then a CPL, then an ATPL, then a type rating in a shiny jet, then a car and a flat and a coupla thousand a month to top up the crappy minimum wage from working as a flying instructor.
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Old 16th Sep 2016, 21:24
  #8600 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,149
A Man With No Enemies

Meet Walter Barnes

Toward the end of his Sunday church service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual.. How old are you?
“Ninety-eight," he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
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