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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 26th Aug 2016, 07:21
  #8521 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: South of England
Posts: 1,064
Quote:
I kid you not, but school inspectors were concerned when observing an infant/junior class and the answer to "where does milk come from?" was "Tescos." It's where I get mine from! More seriously, the child's response is correct.

Not so. It is an example of appalling ignorance and lack of attention to accuracy. The supermarket chain is TESCO.


2 s
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 08:45
  #8522 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,816
Not so. It is an example of appalling ignorance and lack of attention to accuracy. The supermarket chain is TESCO.
Quite, but the quote was NOT MINE!

CG
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 09:56
  #8523 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 72
Posts: 1,703
A couple of clean ones - if you can handle that.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 10:01
  #8524 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Eternal Beach
Posts: 1,024
Roy & HG Date fingers

http://royandhg.com/datefingers.jpg

Did they look like this?

halas
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 10:42
  #8525 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
Posts: 807
The Policeman
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 10:55
  #8526 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 72
Posts: 1,703
Just beautiful, ricardian.
Could not stop laughing and now my guts are sore, curse you.
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 11:31
  #8527 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 7
There's a whole range of these 'updated' Ladybird books - can't help giggling when I read one in a shop.
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 21:34
  #8528 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
can't help giggling when I read one in a shop.

Except the 'milk from TESCO' kid does not understand a spoof and thinks this is for real; because his mum told him all about Ladybird books from days of yore when the Famous Five kept the world safe from................
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Old 27th Aug 2016, 21:29
  #8529 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Originally Posted by funfly View Post
Ricardian.
Have you tasted Tesco's meat?
It could easily lead you to the conclusion that no animals were involved in its production.
FF
Fortunately my nearest Tesco store is 12 miles away and to get there entails a two hour ferry trip. Our island shops sell Orkney beef & Orkney buffalo, both quite delicious
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Old 28th Aug 2016, 17:54
  #8530 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 67
Posts: 740
What John Wayne thought of the Olympic cycling...

https://youtu.be/XnPUe80oBZw
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Old 28th Aug 2016, 20:46
  #8531 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
(Seen on Farcebook - from a grateful Mummy!)

Truly, Mummy is so blessed. There really are no words for how much she loves her amazing family, and the kind and thoughtful way they hide little presents around the house for her, to show how much they love her in return.
Mummy was particularly touched by this morning's gift of the empty milk carton, adoringly replaced in the fridge for her to find and throw away.
Yesterday, Mummy was extra spoiled, with empty shower gel and mouthwash bottles, AND an empty tube of toothpaste all fondly left in the bathroom for Mummy. How lucky is she? Truly, Mummy's life is like a ******* Ferrero Rocher advert!
The ultimate surprise gift though is the unflushed turd in the lavatory. Daddy and the children are so selfless and thoughtful that they all deny who kindly left it there for Mummy to find, each happy for someone else to take the credit, knowing that the simple act of giving it was its own reward.
It is often said that parenting is a thankless task, and it is true, at times it can be, but even after a tough day, it all becomes worthwhile when you walk into the bathroom, and as your eyes cease watering from the stench, you spy that little gift in the bowl. The sleepless nights; your fanny that now looks like a patchwork quilt (in the words of one of the midwives who sewed Mummy up afterwards); the screaming and bickering and wittering; the fact that you will never ever get the ******* Upsy Daisy Song from In The Night Garden out of your ******* head EVER; the rejected food flung over you, if you were lucky, or spat or vomited over you if you were not; the waste of your extensive education; abandoning your career because childcare was so ******* expensive - you regret nothing and would do it all again in a heartbeat, just for happy memories like this.
Such life affirming and uplifting moments almost make Mummy nostalgic for those happy toddler days, when the children would demonstrate their affection by spitting soggy and half eaten bits of food into her hand - bits of food that quite often she would just end up eating for want of anything better to do with it, and want of any time to actually eat anything nicer. Or they would merrily blow their noses on her skirt. Nothing says 'love' like bodily fluids, after all (something Daddy also keeps trying to persuade Mummy of).
So tonight's Pink Sunshine Wine is obviously to celebrate the eternal ******* joy that is Mummy's Life.
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Old 28th Aug 2016, 21:29
  #8532 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,196
Heard from Mitch Benn at the Fringe last week:

"We can now be proud that 2016 was the year we finally proved once and for all that time travel is impossible, because no one has come back from the future and shot Donald Trump..."

PDR
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 02:50
  #8533 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
"We can now be proud that 2016 was the year we finally proved once and for all that time travel is impossible, because no one has come back from the future and shot Donald Trump..."
It might be that it wasn't necessary to do it. If he's hammered into oblivion at the polls in November then they wouldn't have to make the effort.
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 05:05
  #8534 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 11:05
  #8535 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 12:07
  #8536 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
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Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Sorry to be pedantic but I don't understand 5. Surely 9! is 362880, the square root of which is about 600?
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 12:49
  #8537 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Around and About
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by UniFoxOs View Post
Sorry to be pedantic but I don't understand 5. Surely 9! is 362880, the square root of which is about 600?
It is 3 (which is the square root of 9) factorial minus one.

Just badly written

Ex
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 18:58
  #8538 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
A slight quibble with 1, it doesn't have enough nines in it. How about 9 to the power of 9/9 to improve it?
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Old 29th Aug 2016, 21:00
  #8539 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,989
I brought a bag of real fresh dates back from Oman and shared them with a neighbour. August 2nd 2016 was particularly good.
I was in supermarket and saw one of those people promoting products, she was slim, 5 ft 10, big tits and a short skirt, asked her for a date and SWMBO punched me in the head.
She said she is offering apple slices not Dates.
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Old 30th Aug 2016, 05:11
  #8540 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
New Terminology Explanations
TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..
AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').
GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"
MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
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