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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 20th Aug 2016, 15:04
  #8501 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Aug 2016, 20:19
  #8502 (permalink)  
 
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Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Mick replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Mick - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Mick said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third pub.'
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Old 23rd Aug 2016, 21:51
  #8503 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
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Mick and Paddy are out on the town and suddenly realise they have missed the last bus home. Only 50p left between them so a taxi is out of the question, and it's a ten mile walk. Suddenly Mick has a bright idea and suggests that as he used to be a bus driver they could go round the corner to the bus garage, take a bus out and drive it home. The garage seems quiet so Mick hops into the driving seat of the bus nearest the door. Paddy is a bit the worse for wear and says he will take a nap on the back seat, asking Mick to wake him up when they get home. Some time later Paddy wakes up and finds they are still in the garage. He looks at his watch and sees it's gone five in the morning, so staggers up the front to find Mick sat in the driving seat studying a timetable.

'Hey Mick! You were supposed to be driving us home.' says Paddy. 'What's going on?'

'We'll be off soon' says Mick. 'It's just that we got on a number 27 and the first one doesn't leave till 5.30'
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Old 24th Aug 2016, 12:58
  #8504 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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This was judged to be the best joke at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe...

"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart".

Some of the runners up here......

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550

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Old 24th Aug 2016, 13:00
  #8505 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
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"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart."
That's funny ?
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Old 24th Aug 2016, 13:06
  #8506 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
That's funny ?
It even won joke of the year or whatever it's called
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Old 24th Aug 2016, 13:32
  #8507 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
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Guy goes to see his GP.
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"I can't help you with that, you should see the psychiatrist down the road."

"i was going there Doc, but your light was on."
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Old 24th Aug 2016, 14:10
  #8508 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
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http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/5833...traingate.html
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Old 24th Aug 2016, 23:53
  #8509 (permalink)  
 
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 11:49
  #8510 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
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Ricardian.
Have you tasted Tesco's meat?
It could easily lead you to the conclusion that no animals were involved in its production.
FF
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 21:43
  #8511 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
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I kid you not, but school inspectors were concerned when observing an infant/junior class and the answer to "where does milk come from?" was "Tescos."
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 22:44
  #8512 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
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I used to have a small general store and one day had a crate of fresh peas on sale. One of my regulars was on her way home from the school run when she parked outside the shop, came in and when she saw the crate of peas went back out to the car to fetch her brood in. I just want my children to see that peas do not come from a plastic bag in the freezer she said!
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 23:08
  #8513 (permalink)  
 
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I brought a bag of real fresh dates back from Oman and shared them with a neighbour. Her 14 year old son asked where they came from. "Oman", I said. "No" he replied, quite assertively, "I mean which part of the camel do they come from?".

He starts a PPE degree course next month at Oxford. I expect he'll have a rosy career in the Conservative Party.

None of the above is a joke, btw, but I think it's quite funny.
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 23:11
  #8514 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
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I kid you not, but school inspectors were concerned when observing an infant/junior class and the answer to "where does milk come from?" was "Tescos."
It's where I get mine from! More seriously, the child's response is correct.
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 23:12
  #8515 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
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I brought a bag of real fresh dates back from Oman and shared them with a neighbour. Her 14 year old son asked where they came from. "Oman", I said. "No" he replied, quite assertively, "I mean which part of the camel do they come from?".

He starts a PPE degree course next month at Oxford. I expect he'll have a rosy career in the Conservative Party.

None of the above is a joke, btw, but I think it's quite funny.
Oxbridge PPE at 14. Impressive.
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Old 25th Aug 2016, 23:47
  #8516 (permalink)  
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Not a joke - but associated.

Originally Posted by RAT 5 View Post
I kid you not, but school inspectors were concerned when observing an infant/junior class and the answer to "where does milk come from?" was "Tescos."
http://www.pprune.org/9404010-post12.html
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 00:35
  #8517 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
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I brought a bag of real fresh dates back from Oman and shared them with a neighbour. August 2nd 2016 was particularly good.

I was hoping I'd get the day I was born - July 5th 19 ... ahem, but then I realised it was a bag of fresh dates
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 00:36
  #8518 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mostly in my own imagination
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I brought a bag of real fresh dates back from Oman the Clumsy. I was going to share them with a neighbour ... but he spilled them on the ground.
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 02:00
  #8519 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
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Erm, 'scuse me...
How can you have a 'fresh' date?
Is that akin to claiming that a prune is fresh?


EDIT: Come to think of it, I once had a date who was quite fresh - she'd just got back from an army exercise.
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Old 26th Aug 2016, 04:30
  #8520 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
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If I bought food with a (use-by/best-before) date of August 2nd, 2016 on it, I wouldn't be classing it as fresh, by any measure!!
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