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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 6th Aug 2016, 10:18
  #8461 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
Sorry Nervous but she'll have to stay banned, the link says "You are not authorised to download this attachment."
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Old 6th Aug 2016, 14:41
  #8462 (permalink)  

sua cuique voluptas
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Oxford, UK
Age: 73
Posts: 154
Shamelessly culled from FB, made oi larf....

Sunday Morning Sex -
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Ripline
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Old 7th Aug 2016, 08:23
  #8463 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 12th Aug 2016, 09:09
  #8464 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,140
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 12th Aug 2016, 10:04
  #8465 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 318
That last joke gets updated from time to time by inserting the names of current products, but it's certainly overdue for another refresh.

BTW he was originally a consultant, not an MEP. But I guess it's been through a few iterations on the way.
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Old 12th Aug 2016, 10:47
  #8466 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
She might still have her lamb, that looks more like a pig to me!
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Old 12th Aug 2016, 12:56
  #8467 (permalink)  
TWT
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: troposphere
Posts: 694
Don't know about that,he looks pretty respectable to me
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Old 13th Aug 2016, 14:12
  #8468 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck,
Often she'd put them together,
Just to see if they would ...
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Old 13th Aug 2016, 14:19
  #8469 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Sent to me by a former fan of Leeds...

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Old 13th Aug 2016, 14:38
  #8470 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: UK
Age: 75
Posts: 179
Neville the Parakeet is a bit hacked off.....

Neville the Parakeet is a bit hacked off when his cage is smashed up.......

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Old 13th Aug 2016, 17:13
  #8471 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 10:57
  #8472 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
I reckon this thread must be pretty environmentally friendly by now, it must have one of the highest recycle rates around.....
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 18:52
  #8473 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 19:41
  #8474 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mostly in my own imagination
Posts: 17
My tolerance level goes way up if sex is involved

. . . With animals????
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 20:34
  #8475 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
Three elderly Italian fathers were sitting around the piazza talking about their children's success in the excited states of 'merica.

My son, I'ama so proud, said one. He went to 'merica and studied very very hard. He became a Doctor, he'a makesa three hundred thousand dinaros a yeara. I'ama so proud!

Thatsa nothing, says the second. My daughter went to 'merica, studied very very hard too. Became a lawyer. Makesa six hundred thousand dinaros! I'ama so proud

They look to the third who says Thatsa nothing. Mya kid also went to 'merica, didnta study that mucha, but became a Sportsa Mechanic, and makes two million dinaros each and every year. I'ama so proud ...

Sportsa Mechanic? What the hell isa sports mechanic says his friends.

Ima no-a too sura, says the third father, but in the letters he-a says he fixes the football games, and fixes the ice-hockey games. He'sa in Rio right now fixing those sportas.
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 23:22
  #8476 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
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Old 14th Aug 2016, 23:57
  #8477 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
Underfire. You win!

Awesome !
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Old 15th Aug 2016, 00:00
  #8478 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
Underfire. You win!
Actually sasquash, and if you will pardon the pun, I think ricardian nailed it.
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Old 16th Aug 2016, 05:13
  #8479 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
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Old 16th Aug 2016, 08:32
  #8480 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: New South Wales
Posts: 60
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign..'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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