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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 19th Jul 2016, 21:28
  #8381 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

....So I told her to shove it.
Local Variation is offline  
Old 19th Jul 2016, 21:28
  #8382 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Hiliary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him. Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message
370HSSV 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children. Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down."
ricardian is offline  
Old 19th Jul 2016, 21:31
  #8383 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: egsh
Posts: 415
I liked that
wings folded is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 01:38
  #8384 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
underfire is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 08:53
  #8385 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
NASA? Are they spying on us too? (Ya, dumb question. Of course they are)
ExXB is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 09:17
  #8386 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 325
I went to a funeral yesterday wearing a tee shirt.
They said it was disrespectful, but I said it was my right to bare arms.
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 11:53
  #8387 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play normally, one club and two balls.

2. Play of course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole while getting the balls as close to the hole without actually going in.

4. For most effective play , the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along at all times.

10. When a new course is being played, players should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled. Other players have been known to become irate when they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is ready for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarilyunder repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this ituation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission prior to attempting the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to speed up play at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a particular course. Additional assessments are likely to be levied by the course owner, and the rules of play are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue playing several different courses.
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 12:41
  #8388 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,152

blue up is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 13:53
  #8389 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
last time I read a joke about cockpits was from Playboy's private jet.
RAT 5 is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 13:55
  #8390 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,155
No problems with authority gradient there. She knows her place.
Traffic_Is_Er_Was is offline  
Old 20th Jul 2016, 20:39
  #8391 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
That would suggest she is not Dutch nor Scandinavian. I used to fly as captain with my Dutch wife as purser. First thing she said to me as we arrived home was "uniform off and I'm now in charge."
I sat down and my cockpit coffee was substituted for an armchair rum/coke as I handed-over control.
RAT 5 is offline  
Old 21st Jul 2016, 06:35
  #8392 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 899
I was chucked out of my local shop today for mishandling the fruit.
I had only gone in to play that new game, "Poke a Mango"!

Last edited by sitigeltfel; 21st Jul 2016 at 06:47.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 21st Jul 2016, 07:33
  #8393 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: North Up
Posts: 489
I see she's not allowed to touch her FMC!
Cazalet33 is offline  
Old 21st Jul 2016, 21:10
  #8394 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 166
As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going
on in my life, my family's lives, my friend's lives; and what's
happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East,
Hillary Clinton's scandals, Fox News, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN,
CNBC, (et al); the downgrading of our military, the terrorists
infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our
country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity;

I saw a yard sign that said:

CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number..........

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.


"Life is like a penis—simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard."

Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 09:55
  #8395 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 85
British Airways flight to Greece turns back to Gatwick after 'cannabis smell' fills cabin
Someone needs to have the mile high club explained to them...
OPENDOOR is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 12:24
  #8396 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 175
Rather shocked to hear that Donald Trump has announced that if he's elected his first act will be to ban the importation and manufacture of shredded cheese.

Apparently it's part of his strategy to Make America Grate Again.
Tigger4Me is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 12:35
  #8397 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 259
Then we can tell him "Listen Bud we don`t want anymore of your rubbish beer either"
gemma10 is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 12:46
  #8398 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Nervous SLF View Post
....Life is like a penis—simple, relaxed and hanging free.
It's women who make it hard.
421 Pages and we have an original joke Somethings going wrong, I tell you
david1300 is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 13:08
  #8399 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,374
Originally Posted by gemma10 View Post
Then we can tell him "Listen Bud we don`t want anymore of your rubbish beer either"
You'll need to tell that to a Belgian (ImBev) if it's Stella problem for you.
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 22nd Jul 2016, 13:54
  #8400 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 259
So its been Fostered out to the Belgians. Coors blimey
gemma10 is offline  

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