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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 25th Jun 2016, 12:10
  #8241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Norfolk
Age: 63
Posts: 4
Take off your shirts and get down to work making a sail!
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Old 25th Jun 2016, 12:35
  #8242 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,216
Proving that leaving the EU *will* cost us the shirts off our backs...



PDR
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Old 25th Jun 2016, 12:36
  #8243 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Age: 71
Posts: 4,153
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Old 25th Jun 2016, 20:39
  #8244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I was in Asda earlier today and the cashier asked the Polish couple in front if they wanted any help packing their bags.

I thought crikey, we only voted 2 days ago, give them a chance.
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Old 26th Jun 2016, 02:16
  #8245 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 33
every time i use my step ladder i tell it " you're not mine " .
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Old 26th Jun 2016, 12:35
  #8246 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 26th Jun 2016, 18:49
  #8247 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: PBI
Posts: 213
Quite correct!
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Old 26th Jun 2016, 21:00
  #8248 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised that it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're 20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 01:24
  #8249 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 01:26
  #8250 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 14:17
  #8251 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Cambridge UK
Posts: 513
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 16:55
  #8252 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: .
Posts: 31
Woke up this morning to find someone had dumped two tonnes of soil on my allotment.
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The plot thickens.
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 18:00
  #8253 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,216
More realistic version:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
Pooh.jpg (361.1 KB, 466 views)
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 18:12
  #8254 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 72
Posts: 1,703
Beauty, PDR.
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 19:56
  #8255 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,846
PDR

Thank you.
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 22:01
  #8256 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,216
Not mine, sadly - borrowed from a member of another forum whose real name I don't know. I'll pass on your applause.

My version of the same thing was to say "OK, so you've murdered my wife and daughters and now want to have a friendly discussion about their funeral arrangements?"

PDR
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 22:26
  #8257 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,219
Puns For Educated Minds

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 22:38
  #8258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,216
OK, but where are the ones for educated minds?

PDR

√-1 (2^3) ∑π
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 22:45
  #8259 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,579
I ate sum Pi. Not exactly a joke, us edjimicated minds need more than that for a chuckle.

Last edited by Ascend Charlie; 27th Jun 2016 at 23:31.
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Old 27th Jun 2016, 23:31
  #8260 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,216
Actually it means "I ate all the pie" ["the sum of Pi"]

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