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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Dec 2015, 08:03
  #7761 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
I was given a laptop for Christmas. How does one get it to dance?
goudie is offline  
Old 30th Dec 2015, 07:15
  #7762 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 2nd Jan 2016, 00:11
  #7763 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Timbukthree
Posts: 1
WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER




An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then – point at your watch and say times up?​"
evansb is offline  
Old 2nd Jan 2016, 03:26
  #7764 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 2nd Jan 2016, 07:59
  #7765 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 358
An old Sicilian winemaker lay dying and, as he realised he was near the end, he called his sons to his bedside.
"My sons, as you will soon inherit the business, there is just one thing I must tell you before I die:
"Wine can also be made from grapes."
Allan Lupton is offline  
Old 8th Jan 2016, 01:38
  #7766 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Essex
Age: 48
Posts: 6
This week

So it's been a dangerous week for me.

Firstly I was mugged by batman. He hit me over the head with a large vase, and let out a loud "T'PAU!".

When I regained my senses I said shouldn't that have been "KAPOW!".

"No," he replied. "I've got china in my hand".



Then the next day I was dozing on the sofa when I was startled to see the Grim Reaper rushing towards me.

I grabbed the nearest thing to hand, and fought him off with our vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death...!
wingcdr is offline  
Old 8th Jan 2016, 04:39
  #7767 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NV
Age: 71
Posts: 147
3 black men

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the husband.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it.” he replied. ”In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
IBMJunkman is offline  
Old 9th Jan 2016, 20:09
  #7768 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,146
A young woman wrote to tech support and received a reply

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?
She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.

Dear Tech Support,
’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!’
Turbine D is offline  
Old 9th Jan 2016, 22:21
  #7769 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to find out why. After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After about 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. "I'll satisfy her Paddy, you waft the towel" he says.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....and that my old son, is how you waft a ****ing towel!"
Local Variation is offline  
Old 13th Jan 2016, 08:19
  #7770 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.
I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver,
a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance,
a group of goldfish is called a Troubling,
a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance
and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called a couple of drinks with the girls after work.
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 13th Jan 2016, 18:02
  #7771 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hereford UK
Age: 63
Posts: 2
Married Ralph and Edna were both patients in the same mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank straight to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him in there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'
MOSTAFA is offline  
Old 14th Jan 2016, 07:12
  #7772 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
How did this get past the BBC editors?

sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2016, 18:45
  #7773 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest,
"l'm pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen, my child?"
She says, "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it was the second coming?" She replies "because I swallowed the first"
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 17th Jan 2016, 14:45
  #7774 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
English lesson at school.

Teacher asks for someone to stand up and recite a sentence that contains the word 'contagious'.

Young Jimmy at the back stands up and says "Our nextdoor neighbour was painting his big garden fence yesterday with a little brush and my Dad said it'll take the contagious"
Local Variation is offline  
Old 17th Jan 2016, 21:03
  #7775 (permalink)  


Mmmmm PPruuune!
 
Join Date: Jul 1998
Location: UK
Posts: 437
Hungry?

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for
food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still
not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Greek God is offline  
Old 18th Jan 2016, 14:51
  #7776 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Hereford UK
Age: 63
Posts: 2
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
MOSTAFA is offline  
Old 19th Jan 2016, 12:50
  #7777 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 73
Posts: 251
The Joys of being a teacher




(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)





Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on
his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was
putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots
back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his
little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the
boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,
'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots. I didn’t want to lose them !!!!'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Molemot is offline  
Old 21st Jan 2016, 21:07
  #7778 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
What do a pregnant woman, frozen beer, and burned pizza have in common?


In all cases there is a man who forgot to take it out quick enough
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 24th Jan 2016, 14:05
  #7779 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
My grandmother died in her late 80's but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: She was so sweet. The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway.
Her soothing hands when I would get hurt. But the thing I fondly remember most was her sage advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and Coke.
She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "Always remember this, she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers & hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and, and with a gentle voice said. "Makes your d*ck look bigger."
Grandma was special!
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 24th Jan 2016, 20:34
  #7780 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  

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