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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 13th Dec 2015, 15:22
  #7721 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 43
The boy stood on the railway line
Nor heard the engine squeal
The driver took an oily rag
And wiped him off the wheel.

Copyright Father in Law
Royal Flying Corps.
DType is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2015, 21:16
  #7722 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
I've found the ideal Christmas present for those of you in winter climes:
david1300 is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2015, 21:30
  #7723 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,957
Originally Posted by david1300 View Post
I've found the ideal Christmas present for those of you in winter climes:
Is that supposed to keep my hands warm ?

Looks more appealing than a Liberty Bodice
racedo is offline  
Old 14th Dec 2015, 00:47
  #7724 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 459
Now you know what to get Slasher!
Hydromet is offline  
Old 14th Dec 2015, 03:59
  #7725 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: At work (Often)
Posts: 11
Is that supposed to keep my hands warm ?
I'm prepared to find out!
Falcon Al is offline  
Old 15th Dec 2015, 20:40
  #7726 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
I bought a new computer. When I turn it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it says "Hello".
It's a Dell.
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 16th Dec 2015, 08:04
  #7727 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
After emigrating, eight year old Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammed returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammed?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was beaten up by two f*cking Muslims."
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 17th Dec 2015, 06:55
  #7728 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there.......
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 17th Dec 2015, 15:50
  #7729 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,358
Originally Posted by Devon Flyer View Post
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there.......
Was this issued by Elfin Safety Headquarters, North Pole?
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 18th Dec 2015, 20:32
  #7730 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
Posts: 563
Mummy my egg is off.

Don't be silly dear, it was fresh from the farm this morning! Now eat it all up there's a good boy.

What all of it?

Yes darling all of it.





Even the beak!
Windy Militant is offline  
Old 19th Dec 2015, 08:19
  #7731 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 511
She was only the tobacconist's daughter
but she was the best bit of shag in the shop!
RedhillPhil is offline  
Old 19th Dec 2015, 15:15
  #7732 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
Is sex work??

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group
Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was
in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.
expatfrance is offline  
Old 19th Dec 2015, 19:32
  #7733 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
Posts: 174
God Bless the lower ranks.

Yep. They send the officers off to do the fighting.


Brewtime lads!
Linedog is offline  
Old 20th Dec 2015, 05:33
  #7734 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
.
.

Posted for the humor factor only!.......NSFW, crude language
.
.

http://m.liveleak.com/view?i=89d_1411198955

Walking Ballast is offline  
Old 20th Dec 2015, 14:58
  #7735 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2015, 12:07
  #7736 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 73
Posts: 251
A cautionary tail...





Mike Rowe

Fridays With Freddy
An Open Letter to the Marketing Geniuses at The Orijen Pet Food Company
Dear Geniuses
A year ago this month, The Biped changed up my diet, replacing the usual slop to which I’d become accustomed with your delicious French-Canadian Cuisine. Specifically, your brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food.”
I was immediately enchanted. The combination of “Wild-Caught, Regional Fresh and Salt-Water Fish” was inspired, and my palate rejoiced. Last week though, I noticed a subtle change in both consistency and taste. I couldn’t put my paw on it, but there was definitely something different. Still tasty, but not quite as mouthwatering. Then, several days later, the flatulence commenced.
I don’t want to overstate it, but the funk was simply astonishing. Not since my run in with the Mysterious Farting Cat http://mikerowe.com/2015/09/fwf-mysteriousfartingcat/ have I confronted a stench so vile. With each passing day, my aroma worsened, awakening The Biped on more than one occasion, and triggering my banishment from the boudoir. The burning discomfort was unexampled, and also worth a mention. Indeed, each salvo was so preternaturally hot that I became convinced my asshole was in danger of fusing shut with every putrid blast. To the Biped’s disappointment, it did not, and the scalding, rancid wind only intensified, filling the whole house with sulphur and corruption.
But, no matter how toxic they might become, the humiliation of a fart is finite; the betrayal of an untrustworthy sphincter is not. Day after day, my once proud turds were slowly reduced to small piles of yellow custard, as your delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food” began to exit my body with no warning whatsoever. My bowel movements - once the highlight of my daily sojourns - became a disappointing series of spasmodic and unpredictable mortifications, resulting in pathetic puddles of liquid scat The Biped deemed “canine yogurt,” and struggled mightily to recover.
Happily, the cause of my incontinence has now been identified. Are you curious?
Are you keen to know the source of my ignominy?
Relax - it is not your delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate Dog Food.”
No...It is your slightly less delicious brand of “Six Fish, Biologically Appropriate CAT Food.”
That’s right - CAT FOOD!!!
Pictured here, are both products. As you can see, each bears an uncanny resemblance to the other. Both feature the exact same photo of a Canadian creek in the upper right hand corner. Both weigh exactly 2.27kg. Both use identical shades of red in the upper left, and both are dominated by a periwinkle hue. Aside from the words “dog” and “cat” in woefully inadequate fonts, both bags are nearly identical. Except that the bag on the left will make you shit like baboon with dysentery.
Look, accidents happen. Clearly, The Biped bought the wrong bag of food. And who knows, maybe the Pet Store People put it on the wrong shelf. But come on, Orijen - surely you can find another color to better differentiate between that which will sustain me, and that which will send my colon on a drunken sabbatical. Surely, you can make the words CAT and DOG somewhat LARGER than anything else on the BAG!!!
Otherwise, you might wish to include a role of duct tape with every purchase, so your less vigilant customers can tape their assholes shut.
Kind Regards,
Freddy
PS Yes, I noticed the creatures featured on the upper left hand corner of each bag. And yes, I suppose one might resemble a dog, and one might resemble a cat. But again, both resemble each other way too much. Both are the exact same color. And both appear to running downward in the exact same direction. To a bathroom, no doubt.
PPS Upon closer inspection, I see that your Cat Food cost four dollars more than your Dog Food.
Pourquoi?
Molemot is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2015, 12:43
  #7737 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 71
Posts: 1,703
Thanks, Molemot - got a good chuckle out of that one.
Stanwell is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2015, 15:08
  #7738 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
My dog has terrible flatulence, sometimes enough to clear the room. A quick kick in his direction seems to provide an answer for most of the people assembled - generally Mrs. FF.

er, what - we haven't got a dog? Sorry folks I have to rethink this.

Edited to add that I have now seen the Dr. and explained that my flatulence, although noxious, were always quiet. This has always puzzled me but the Doctor, after experiencing one of my silent efforts, arranged an appointment for me with the Audiology department.

FF
funfly is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2015, 15:08
  #7739 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and gently whispers:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
goudie is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2015, 17:34
  #7740 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
That's an improvement then, last time I saw this joke the woman was invited to choose one from the bottom shelf.
llondel is offline  

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