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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 7th Dec 2015, 18:06
  #7661 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,400
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

(Attributed to Steven Wright, Comedian)
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 20:47
  #7662 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,207
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Yes, but the object you run into wouldn't see you coming if it was standing still. The bigger question is whether you would see the object.
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 20:55
  #7663 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
wouldn't see you coming if it was standing still.
What if it was on a conveyor belt?
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 21:37
  #7664 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Quote:
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Yes, but the object you run into wouldn't see you coming if it was standing still. The bigger question is whether you would see the object.
In theory yes, because you'd be running into the light wave pattern reflecting from it. It would be dopplered off the scale though, I think there's a divide by zero in there somewhere if you're at the speed of light.
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 22:49
  #7665 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
If you switch your headlamps on before you start, then they will.

If, however, you don't switch them on until you reach the speed of light, then they stand no chance.
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 23:11
  #7666 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Why do I want to travel at the speed of light when my luggage will take 2 years to get here and then be nicked at the airport by baggage handlers.
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 23:56
  #7667 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Turner Prize: Assemble win for Liverpool housing scheme - BBC News

Liverpool development wins Turner prize so says BBC...............

Reality is a bit different as 2 shell suited "Loveable" scousers went in 2 hours before it was announced and nicked the prize thinking they could trade it in.

Faced with embarassment the Judges said give it to them and pretend that was plan.
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Old 7th Dec 2015, 23:58
  #7668 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 625
You really dislike Scousers, don't you Racedo?
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Old 8th Dec 2015, 07:51
  #7669 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 8th Dec 2015, 10:22
  #7670 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
A childless couple adopts a tiny German baby.

It soon becomes obvious that the baby doesn't talk. Various tests are done over the years, and the child always returns normal results, except that he doesn't talk.

The parents are mystified, then one day...

They gave the now five year old some dessert cake. The child ate a mouthful, and said

'Zis apfel strudel is a little tepid.'

The parents were amazed and overjoyed.

'Wolfgang!' they said, 'You can speak! Why have you never spoken before?'

'Because until now,' Wolfgang said, 'Everything has been satisfactory.'
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Old 8th Dec 2015, 14:42
  #7671 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Originally Posted by barry lloyd View Post
You really dislike Scousers, don't you Racedo?
You mean there are people outside of Scouseland who like them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 8th Dec 2015, 14:47
  #7672 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: on the beach
Age: 63
Posts: 2,022
I'll have you know that my mate, a very generous Scouser, has just bought his kids 2 bikes and a trampoline for Christmas.

I asked him which website he got them from and he said "Google Earth".
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Old 8th Dec 2015, 18:56
  #7673 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Originally Posted by Evanelpus View Post
I'll have you know that my mate, a very generous Scouser, has just bought his kids 2 bikes and a trampoline for Christmas.

I asked him which website he got them from and he said "Google Earth".


Need screen wipes to get rid the coffee I choked on
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 02:00
  #7674 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Essex
Age: 49
Posts: 6
Nursery Rhymes for the 21st Century

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct


It's raining, it's pouring
Of course it's Global Warming


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
Now he can't eke his heart rate down
And Jill's got diabetes


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them to cos he was gay.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass and grabbed her arse
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy
Then it caught Foot and Mouth
And now it's black and crispy
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 02:45
  #7675 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by racedo View Post


Need screen wipes to get rid the coffee I choked on
Happy to help: http://sboisse.free.fr/fun/ecran.swf
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 08:15
  #7676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pattaya, Thailand
Age: 59
Posts: 216
I was reading my daughter Goldilocks and the 3 bears bears last night when it occured to me what a skank that Goldilocks is.

Break and enter, and criminal damage at the least, not to mention being so rude as to eat their bloody porridge and mess up all the beds.

Lucky they weren't American bears or they'd have pumped her ass full of lead before she could run off into the woods.
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 08:47
  #7677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 15
Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 08:48
  #7678 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: 100m South of the 45th
Age: 54
Posts: 34
Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters."
So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again.
"How are you getting along with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 09:05
  #7679 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 54
More nursery rhymes.


The Grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
His case comes up next week.
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Old 9th Dec 2015, 10:47
  #7680 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they didn't orter
Jill came down with half a crown
And now she has a daughter

Little Miss Muffett sat down on a tuffet
One beautiful sunny day
Little Boy Blue came along with his horn,
Now she's in the family way!
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