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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 12th Nov 2015, 08:50
  #7601 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: 100m South of the 45th
Age: 54
Posts: 33
I know a couple who are at present working in China.

The wife reported that they went to a small town and visited the local zoo.

The zoo housed only one animal, a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 12:28
  #7602 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
A SMALL town in Spain has been left a little red-faced after their annual culinary festival was advertised as something a little more X-rated.
Festival organisers from town of As Pontes had unveiled a new website to coincide with the lead up to the event in which townsfolk celebrate a leafy green vegetable known as grelo.
Local officials thought they had been innocently promoting the Rapini Festival or ‘Feira do grelo’ as it is known in the local language of Galician.
However, Google had other ideas.
When using Google Translate to obtain the Spanish-language version of the Galician text it was interpreted as the “Clitoris Festival” — an unfortunate circumstance given the nature of the event.
“The clitoris is one of the typical products of Galician cuisine. Since 1981 ... the festival has made the clitoris one of the star products of its local gastronomy,” the translated announcement read.

?Clitoris festival?: Organisers of vegetable festival furious after Google Translate gets it wrong
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 14:36
  #7603 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Uk
Age: 63
Posts: 218
Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 17:49
  #7604 (permalink)  

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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
David1300
Maybe the place is twinned with somewhere in S. Africa? Peter Frederiksen 'found with 21 severed vaginas' in freezer appears in South African court | Metro News

Last edited by Lon More; 12th Nov 2015 at 21:33.
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 18:40
  #7605 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Women!!!

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted,

I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic.

I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.


I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes mental....... Women?!?!?!
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 18:44
  #7606 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,957
Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
Maybe going to convert to religion of peace.
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 19:54
  #7607 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,358
Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
Sushi, right?
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Old 12th Nov 2015, 21:57
  #7608 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
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Old 13th Nov 2015, 05:29
  #7609 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
a

Woke last night in a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably, my blood ran cold.......I had just experienced the worst nightmare that I have ever had.........



I dreamt that my wife had sold everything in my workshop for what I told her it cost me.......
m
m
m
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Old 13th Nov 2015, 18:20
  #7610 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"
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Old 16th Nov 2015, 16:28
  #7611 (permalink)  

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THE WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers
Q. So the government is giving me back some of my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!
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Old 16th Nov 2015, 17:43
  #7612 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,957
Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!
http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/5706...ne-dating.html

Rogerthat was saying exactly the same thing but he was looking to get you to skip the car boot sale
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Old 16th Nov 2015, 21:19
  #7613 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing bj ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before
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Old 16th Nov 2015, 23:29
  #7614 (permalink)  

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did she use a grapefruit?
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Old 17th Nov 2015, 08:13
  #7615 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: SW France
Age: 73
Posts: 571
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
Scotch whisky distilleries are increasingly owned by multinationals..
LVMH-owned Glenmorangie (my favourite tipple) is now marketed in a range of non-whisky flavours.. (aged in sherry, port and now sauternes casks FFS!)

Back to the jokes..
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Old 17th Nov 2015, 13:29
  #7616 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,358
Originally Posted by sidevalve View Post
Scotch whisky distilleries are increasingly owned by multinationals..
LVMH-owned Glenmorangie (my favourite tipple) is now marketed in a range of non-whisky flavours.. (aged in sherry, port and now sauternes casks FFS!)

Back to the jokes..
It would appear that someone is making a joke of a good scotch.
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Old 18th Nov 2015, 03:13
  #7617 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
Don't knock it till you've tried it, Glenmorangie aged in port casks is sublime
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Old 18th Nov 2015, 04:05
  #7618 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
Bored Pilots to Beach Boys "I sit around"

Found this as well (sorry if posted before)

Teteboro


and of course, dedicated to NW pilots Tweetin on a jet plane

Last edited by underfire; 18th Nov 2015 at 04:30.
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Old 18th Nov 2015, 07:34
  #7619 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pattaya, Thailand
Age: 59
Posts: 216
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
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Old 18th Nov 2015, 10:50
  #7620 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,693
Little Red Wagon


A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter
walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully,






'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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