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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Sep 2015, 09:01
  #7461 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 11:07
  #7462 (permalink)  

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Next PMQ might be interesting

"So I ask the Prime Minister, are the allegations true?"
"No."
"So the media is... telling porkies?"


*Corbyn high-fives entire front bench*
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 12:39
  #7463 (permalink)  
 
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As the Conservative party deal with allegations that David Cameron ****** a pig, Jeremy Corbyn has stated that he knows how he feels...

Every time he sees Diane Abbott.
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 16:22
  #7464 (permalink)  
 
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All that seems to be bothering the media over here was that the pig he shagged was a dead one.

You don't get the squealing that way. (well, maybe you do, but not from the pig.)
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 18:13
  #7465 (permalink)  
 
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A woman of a certain age had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the emergency recovery table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten and whiten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance that was rushing to an emergency.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded:

"What happened? I thought you said I had another 43 years to live? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you!!!"
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 18:38
  #7466 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Stanwell View Post
I thought it was sex.... because it could lead to dancing.
Nah that just with Jewish people, Catholics ok with it.
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 18:44
  #7467 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by obgraham View Post
All that seems to be bothering the media over here was that the pig he shagged was a dead one.

You don't get the squealing that way. (well, maybe you do, but not from the pig.)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=714-Ioa4XQw

Won't be the first pig he got it on with, he went to boarding school and is a "friend" of Billy boy Hague.

Wonder how it will hgo down with his Saudi Funders.
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Old 21st Sep 2015, 20:15
  #7468 (permalink)  
 
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 08:51
  #7469 (permalink)  

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The pig was probably Cameron's first true love, he christened it Margaret
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 09:14
  #7470 (permalink)  
 
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Lon More

More than just an ATCO
More like a complete
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 10:10
  #7471 (permalink)  

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Better than a pig -, in every sense


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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 10:35
  #7472 (permalink)  
 
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Re Porky and Dave- I'm seeing an anti Semitic club initiation emerging here.

First, get yer todger out, hopefully confirming you're a complete prick- check; then, step 2, stick the pig- check.

The above should be pretty convincing, Mein Fuhrer!

CG
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 10:43
  #7473 (permalink)  
 
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This week's transatlantic, 'special relationship' phonecall...

Dave: Hello Mr President, can you hear me?

Obama: Yes, Prime Minister, I hear you, but you have some crackling on your end!

CG
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 11:06
  #7474 (permalink)  
 
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 11:27
  #7475 (permalink)  
 
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Obama: Yes, Prime Minister, I hear you, but you have some crackling on your end!
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 11:30
  #7476 (permalink)  
 
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I hear that the police are up in arms about the misuse of the word 'pig'.
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 11:32
  #7477 (permalink)  

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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 14:13
  #7478 (permalink)  
 
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"IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" - Hitler's wife answering the phone
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 15:39
  #7479 (permalink)  
 
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Old, certainly repeated, but maybe apt-ish..

A guy walks into a bar with a 'pink' alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my todger inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my thingie unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a wine bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The 'gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone 100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the wine bottle."
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Old 22nd Sep 2015, 19:49
  #7480 (permalink)  
 
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Does Cameron do Chinese?

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