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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 22nd Aug 2015, 12:06
  #7321 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 175
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian.
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Old 22nd Aug 2015, 15:14
  #7322 (permalink)  

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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Fixed it for you

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking nude in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Russian "They must be Russian."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Brit points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They definitely live outside the M25. "
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Old 22nd Aug 2015, 15:49
  #7323 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 175
Cheers Lon. Love it.
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Old 23rd Aug 2015, 13:00
  #7324 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 24th Aug 2015, 07:00
  #7325 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Yellowknife
Posts: 41
Not exactly a joke per se but funny anyway...

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Old 24th Aug 2015, 08:42
  #7326 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 175
I was sent to Prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."

He replied, "Well, the Judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out. She's never let me finish a sentence before."
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Old 24th Aug 2015, 08:50
  #7327 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,535
Spiny, that is a hoot - if somebody is so uptight that they can't laugh at a good [email protected], there is something wrong with their Sense of Humour Adjustment.
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Old 24th Aug 2015, 17:46
  #7328 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
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Old 24th Aug 2015, 18:28
  #7329 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 29
a man goes to work with a steering wheel in his pants . when he gets there someone says - you've got a steering wheel in your pants .
the man says - yeah i know , its driving me nuts .
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 03:01
  #7330 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Volunteer = person who didn't understand the question.
Vegetarian = old English word meaning "bad hunter".
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 04:37
  #7331 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 29
what kind of animal has an asshole halfway up its back ?


..... a police horse .
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 06:33
  #7332 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
The funniest jokes from this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe..

  1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
  2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
  3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
  4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
  5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
  6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
  7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
  8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
  9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
  10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 13:16
  #7333 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 29
my uncle was so stubborn , when he drowned in a river , they found his body upstream .
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 21:47
  #7334 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
My wife said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with The Monkeeys.

I thought she was joking at first but then I saw her face..
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 22:36
  #7335 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Lon More -

Bloke talking to a German, who says where he is from.

'Ah, Hamburg,' says the bloke. 'My father used to fly over there during he war.'
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Old 25th Aug 2015, 22:56
  #7336 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Isn't it about time the joke about 'when I flew over Berlin' was put behind us


FF
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Old 26th Aug 2015, 00:00
  #7337 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Shortly after take off, a Turkish Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

''Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Turkish Airlines Flight 409, from London Heathrow to Dalaman. The weather ahead is pretty nice and sunny, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . . OH, MY GOD !...''

Silence followed !!!

Some moments later the captain came back and spoke on the intercom :

''Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you... While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap...
You should see the front of my pants !... ''

One Scotts passenger yelled from the back :

'' For f*‪#‎k‬'s sake, you think you've got problems ... ... ...

You should see the back of mine !!! ''
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Old 26th Aug 2015, 09:09
  #7338 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
FF, the old ones are the best, they say. So...

A bloke who works at a factory is in hospital with some severe problems. The doctors have no choice but to amputate both his ears.

Before he is due to return to work, the foreman addresses the man's workmates, explaining that their pal has had both ears amputated, but not to make a point of it, and to keep things cheerful.

The bloke returns to work, and one of his mates tells him, 'I see your eyesight's improved!'
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Old 26th Aug 2015, 09:57
  #7339 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 29
a farmer comes through the front door carrying a sheep in his arms .
he says 'darling , this is the pig i've been sleeping with' .
his wife replies ' thats a sheep , not a pig'
farmer says 'shuddup , i wasn't talking to you ' .
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Old 26th Aug 2015, 11:16
  #7340 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
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