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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Aug 2015, 17:56
  #7241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: pietralunga
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Conversation at the Pearly Gates
Cilla: Hullo Pet I'm Cilla and I'm from Liverpool
St Peter: Step Inside Love....
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Old 3rd Aug 2015, 19:00
  #7242 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
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"Update the Force, Luke"

Adobe wan Kenobi
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 12:11
  #7243 (permalink)  
 
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Seen on a North American email list

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?", said the clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?? You can't get married."
"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together.
Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 14:00
  #7244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,446
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
It's a good joke, and one that I wish our Supreme Court had "gotten" ... but a sense of humor would have to first stand trial and then get its case presented via appeals before it arrived for consideration at the Supreme Court.
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 15:11
  #7245 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Sent to me by a friend who is a golfing fanatic:

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

1.MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK? You're going to love this!

1.MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
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Old 4th Aug 2015, 15:17
  #7246 (permalink)  
 
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Just remember WHY it is called 'golf'........
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Old 5th Aug 2015, 08:14
  #7247 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 5th Aug 2015, 18:31
  #7248 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 02:52
  #7249 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 08:39
  #7250 (permalink)  
 
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Given the current outcry about hunting...

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Old 6th Aug 2015, 09:35
  #7251 (permalink)  
 
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Probably a protest at the lazy b**** forgetting to replace the loo roll!
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 11:15
  #7252 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 6th Aug 2015, 20:29
  #7253 (permalink)  
 
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The Australian cricket team have terminated their sponsorship deal with Immodium. They are blaming it for stopping the runs.
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 07:49
  #7254 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
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An Algerian groom took his bride to court just a day after their marriage, accusing her of not looking as pretty as before the wedding and of cheating him with much make-up.

The groom, who is seeking $20,000 damages, told court in the capital Algiers that he was shocked when he got up in the next morning and found that his wife looked so different, that he could not recognise her.

Newspapers in the North African Arab country said the groom swore in court that he even mistook his wife for a “thief who came to steal his apartment".
---
“He said she looked very beautiful and attractive before marriage, but when he woke up in the morning and found that she had washed the make-up off her face, he was frightened as he thought she was a thief.

"The groom told court that he is demanding $20,000 damages for his psychological suffering.”
Groom sues bride for not looking pretty without make-up - Emirates 24|7
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 11:19
  #7255 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
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What sort of warranty did she come with? Would thirty years be too long? (Just wondering like ..)
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 12:14
  #7256 (permalink)  
 
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Trent Bridge hotel is now offering 'early check out' to Aussie guests.
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 16:15
  #7257 (permalink)  
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Trent Bridge hotel is now offering 'early check out' to Aussie guests.
I bet they don't think that's a Friday Joke!

Knowing the English talent for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory I might pop round to the bookies and see what odds I can get on Oz.
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 16:52
  #7258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
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Knowing the English talent for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory I might pop round to the bookies and see what odds I can get on Oz.
56-97-32 00678321

My account- send the money there instead. You'll feel better helping out a pensioner!

CG
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Old 7th Aug 2015, 17:40
  #7259 (permalink)  
 
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Age: 68
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The best........yes, the best jokes from the 2014 Edinburgh festival fringe...

The 30 best jokes from the 2014 Edinburgh Fringe

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Old 7th Aug 2015, 22:28
  #7260 (permalink)  
TWT
 
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Glad I didn't attend and hear the worst jokes then
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