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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Apr 2015, 11:54
  #6921 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: australia
Age: 43
Posts: 115
Maths question

106 responded now.

Supposedly for some, it's easy. Personally, I could sit there for the rest of my life and not work it out.

Logic not maths is the key.
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Old 14th Apr 2015, 12:26
  #6922 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
A few of the comments made me grin:
  1. Talk about high maintenance......
  2. This is why Cheryl never had any friends
  3. It doesn't matter. When Cheryl gets married her husband will forget her birthday, anyway.
  4. My wife is an older version of Cheryl. Never get a straight answer about anything.
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Old 14th Apr 2015, 12:58
  #6923 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Redhill
Posts: 196
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.


What offence would the woman be charged with?
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Old 14th Apr 2015, 13:03
  #6924 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
Originally Posted by Davidsoffice View Post
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol. What offence would the woman be charged with?
Depending on the alligator's particulars, possible poisoning the wildlife, feeding wildlife illegally while in a game preserve. Doubtless it is an endangered species, so her NOT shooting it was a good move, that might get serious charges filed.

If within city limits, there might be a misdemeanor "discharge of firearm in city limits" depending on the city.

But it is a joke, right?
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Old 14th Apr 2015, 14:22
  #6925 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: MIA
Posts: 213
Heart Warm Story

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
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Old 14th Apr 2015, 21:51
  #6926 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
Some old chestnuts:

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.."
- Oscar Wilde
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Old 15th Apr 2015, 12:31
  #6927 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 602
Passenger just wanted to open the window. What's wrong with that?

The Chosun Ilbo (English Edition): Daily News from Korea - 1st Time Flyer Pulls Emergency Exit Lever on Plane

1st Time Flyer Pulls Emergency Exit Lever on Plane
An elderly passenger flying for the first time accidentally pulled the emergency exit lever on a plane, causing the inflatable slide to unfold and resulting in a two-hour delay.


The incident happened aboard an Air Busan plane on Wednesday as it was preparing to take off from Gimhae Airport en route to Fukuoka, Japan. The passenger, identified only as Kim, is 69.

The passengers had all boarded and the aircraft was getting ready to head to the tarmac when the man pulled the lever.

Crew stopped the flight and removed the emergency slide before the plane was able to take off.

Without the slide, 30 of the 182 passengers on board had to take another flight.

An Air Busan spokesman said, "Once an emergency slide is triggered, it cannot be used again and a new one has to be installed."

The elderly passenger apparently told police he thought the emergency lever was used to open the window. An airport police officer said, "We can't charge him, he meant no harm."

[email protected] / Apr. 09, 2015 12:42 KST
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Old 16th Apr 2015, 17:26
  #6928 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,

"Thank God we can all still drive."
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Old 16th Apr 2015, 17:58
  #6929 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
Another old chestnut:
After invading Greece and receiving the submission of the key city-states, Philip II of Macedon sent a message to Sparta:
"If I invade Laconia you will be destroyed, never to rise again."
The Spartans replied with a single word:
"If" (αἴκα).

That's one of the all time great zingers.
I imagine that even the laconic Spartans (what, am I being redundant there?) must have chuckled as they came up with that retort. (Note: neither Philip II nor his son Alexander the Great attempted to capture Sparta).
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 07:19
  #6930 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: A place in the sun
Age: 77
Posts: 738
That reminds me of General Sir Charles Napier, when he had conquered the Sindh Province in India, sending a one word despatch to his superiors which read:- 'Peccavi'
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 07:24
  #6931 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Dar Nunder
Posts: 41
Had to look it up but that is simply brilliant!
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 14:02
  #6932 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 14:44
  #6933 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
That subject appears to have a distinct lack of suspension
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 14:46
  #6934 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Andalucia
Posts: 714
It is possible that the Silicone inserts provide a certain stabilising effect.
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 16:28
  #6935 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Eternal Beach
Posts: 1,020
It would never take the lightest of loads in that condition!

halas
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 20:53
  #6936 (permalink)  
TWT
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: troposphere
Posts: 680
That's a Home Depot parking lot.The vehicle had its suspension broken after the owner tried to put 2 tons of timber in it.Just like this one:



This car also has 10 x 80 pound bags of cement in the back seat.Estimated weight of timber + concrete = 3,000 lbs.
mmmmmm
mmmmmm

Last edited by TWT; 17th Apr 2015 at 21:06.
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 21:25
  #6937 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
I must be gay. I can't see the bare-breasted woman in the last picture!

On a more practical vein, considering the loads on the suspension, how many Jordan Carver's could one safely put in a hatchback?
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 21:38
  #6938 (permalink)  
TWT
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: troposphere
Posts: 680
Hmmm,good question.At least airbags would not be required in the car.
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 21:51
  #6939 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
Well, not if she were sat on your lap facing you.

I could live with that.

Of course, not being able to see where you were going would make the need for airbags more likely.

Which, again, I could live with.
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Old 17th Apr 2015, 22:30
  #6940 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 503
safely put in a hatchback?
She wouldn't be safe in a hatchback if I were in it too!


With regards to Phill 2 of Macedonia in post # 6953, I've seen his bones in a museum in Thessalonika. For a shortar$e he achieved a lot!

Last edited by Noah Zark.; 17th Apr 2015 at 22:34. Reason: Comment on post #6953
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