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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Mar 2015, 10:05
  #6781 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 25
The 'New America'

Ha ha....didn't see it coming.....

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-LIpAxjPt9U
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Old 3rd Mar 2015, 10:25
  #6782 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768







Last edited by Lon More; 3rd Mar 2015 at 13:49.
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Old 3rd Mar 2015, 12:19
  #6783 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
The local Senior Citizens Club now has a Community Bus, thanks to a Govt Grant.
Each Sunday they now organise a Mystery Tour for the Club members.
To make it interesting, the oldies put in 50c each, in a sweep to guess the mystery destination.
Incredibly, Bert the bus driver has won the sweep, five times in a row!


One night the husband came home early from work and found the lodger in bed with his wife.
"What's the meaning of this?!", he cried ... "This is a fine way to repay our hospitality, after all we've done for you!! ... And stop doing that, while I'm talking to you!!"
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Old 3rd Mar 2015, 21:00
  #6784 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,337
A Califonia Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after some energetic sex.
She spent the next half hour fondling his testicles.
He was very pleased, and thanked her for her continuing attentions.
She said. "I just love doing this."
He asked: "Why do you love to do that?"
"Because" she replied, "I really miss mine."
I told you it was a California love story.

====

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for nearly an hour.'
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Old 4th Mar 2015, 08:47
  #6785 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Got a bit bored the other night, spent a bit of time randomly searching the internet, I came across the following webpage - conjunctivitis.com.

I thought, wow, now there is a site for sore eyes........
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Old 4th Mar 2015, 18:04
  #6786 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Lima, Peru
Age: 62
Posts: 4
Man who lose key to girlfriends aparment get no newkey.
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Old 5th Mar 2015, 08:08
  #6787 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Was reminded yesterday of the old joke about the British dignitary visiting a court in the centre of a Dark Continent. Halfway through the proceedings the Briton noticed a man going around with a small hammer striking all the ladies on their breasts. When he asked the reason for this he was told that it was just following British courtroom tradition - it was often reported that "a titter went round the court"
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Old 5th Mar 2015, 12:14
  #6788 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
Two Jewish gentlemen, a young man and an older man, both strangers to each other, were seated together on an aircraft.

The aircraft had been airborne for about an hour when the younger man said to the older one, "Could you tell me the time, please?

There was no answer. A little while later, the young man asked again, "Could you tell me the time please?" Still no answer.

The young man detected there was some resistance to answering his time questions, so he stopped asking.

As the aircraft was on the descent and within 20 minutes of landing, the older man quickly glanced at his watch and said, "It's 10 minutes to three."

The young man was silent for a while, then said, "Why didn't you tell me the time earlier?"

The older man said, "Well, you know what's it's like on flights when you're seated next to strangers. People get talking to each other.
We could become friendly, especially seeing as we're both Jewish. I'd be obliged to invite you to my home.
I have a lovely daughter, and you're a handsome young man.
Romance could blossom, and before long you could be asking me for her hand in marriage.
So, to put it bluntly ... I don't want a son-in-law who can't afford a watch!!"
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Old 5th Mar 2015, 23:30
  #6789 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
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Old 6th Mar 2015, 00:06
  #6790 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
The Engineer: "There's a back door"
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Old 6th Mar 2015, 01:42
  #6791 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Australia
Posts: 890
No. The engineer:

"What people? More importantly, the house has a defective foundation slab as evidenced by the blah blah blah..."
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Old 6th Mar 2015, 05:08
  #6792 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
Just not cricket

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Old 6th Mar 2015, 12:19
  #6793 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
The Music Professor entered the spinsters home to hear the strains of classical music being delicately played on the piano.

Expecting to see the spinster at the keyboard, the Professor got the shock of his life, to see a large black tomcat tickling the ivories.

"He taught himself", said Miss Haversham as she appeared at the Professors elbow.

"That is utterly amazing!", said the Professor.

"He wrote that particular piece himself, too", said the spinster.

"Absolutely astounding!!", cried the Professor.

He marvelled as he took in the chords and nuances of the enthralling piece.

"Have you had him orchestrated?", the Professor inquired.

"Oh my goodness, No!", said Miss Haversham. "With a cat like that, I want him to breed some high-value kittens!"
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Old 6th Mar 2015, 15:50
  #6794 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
Bucket & saucer method

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at
the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
The counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to
use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method".
"That will work, said the counselor, but only if you keep a good record."
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
"I plan on using birth control pills" she said.
Again he said, Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, "The bucket and saucer method."
After a short delay, he told her that would probably work. He asked them all
to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things
were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. The counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going
to have a baby.
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, The
birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm girl. I vaguely remember you were going to use the
bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I didn't have a clue what
the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has
worked well for you.
She replied, Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on an upturned bucket. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers . . . .
I kick the bucket out from under him.
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Old 6th Mar 2015, 16:42
  #6795 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,136
Flashers have changed from how we remembered them

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Old 7th Mar 2015, 12:17
  #6796 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 7th Mar 2015, 13:33
  #6797 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
Posts: 563
The Cat gag reminds of of Mari bach who got a job as a maid in a big posh house in London. Before she leaves her father says to her that her Uncle Dai was at school with Sir Malcolm Sargent and gives her a letter of introduction telling her if she gets into trouble to go and seek him out.
After a short time young Mari indeed finds herself in trouble so goes to Sir Malcolms house.
When she arrives at his house the door is opened by the Housekeeper, Mari asks to see the great man but is told that he is busy at the moment Orchestrating the London Welsh choir, at which she bursts into tears and cries out "Oh Duw I wish he'd done it last month!"
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Old 11th Mar 2015, 10:03
  #6798 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 25
Heard today the band 'One direction' are splitting up.......they're now going in different directions.....
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Old 12th Mar 2015, 07:02
  #6799 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, "I can't be bothered to walk all the way home."
His mate says "I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home."
"We could steal a bus from the depot", says the first chap.
So they arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, "What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?"
"I can't find a number 91"
"Oh for goodness sake, take the number 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout."
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Old 12th Mar 2015, 10:32
  #6800 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 25
Ah Ricardian....reminds me of the Irishman (IRA?) who went to blow up a bus......burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe!!

(It was funny to me when I was probably 9 or 10)
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