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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 26th Feb 2015, 09:08
  #6761 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
Erm, since Jesus was arrested, interrogated and held up to the crowd before being crucified, it seems the Last Supper must have been earlier than the night before.
/pedantic
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 26th Feb 2015, 09:12
  #6762 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
Perhaps the wine was off?
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 09:16
  #6763 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 67
Posts: 195
Perhaps the wine was off?
Couldn't he have just asked for some tap water and, you know, . . .?
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 09:19
  #6764 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
Ahem, you mean someone passed the water ....?
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 11:34
  #6765 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: A home for the bewildered
Posts: 86
Quote:
What do you expect when an atheist does a cut and paste job on a religious joke?

Not crossed puns.

That was really rather good, LW!
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 12:34
  #6766 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
Sallyann, have read some interesting articles supporting Tuesday as the most likely night for the ultimate repast, what with having to go and see Herod, go and see Pilate, go and see the Jewish elders/priests ... quite a lot of folks to see and no taxi, crowded streets and Jerusalem filled with the annual Passover tourist mob.

Maybe it was indeed take out, per teeteringhead's post?
And the plastic bag under the table at the Last Supper? ...................... that was Judas' carry out! (best in a
Glaswegian accent)
I can see how it worked out in the Felaferia, just down the street from the Temple ...

"I'd like 12 breads, to go, and one big glass of wine."
"What, sharing one wine among twelve?"
"Yes, one cup will do, thank you!"
"Where are you from - Scotland?"

@ GrumpyOld: we blind squirrels now and again find the odd acorn.
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 26th Feb 2015, 18:21
  #6767 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Berkshire
Age: 75
Posts: 118
Stop the chat and post the jokes ferchrisssake
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 18:50
  #6768 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Preacher walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 22:16
  #6769 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: In my Swag
Posts: 495
A termite walks into the bar " Is the bartender here?"

What turns a mans stomach?
Bear t1ts on his back ( say it out loud)
Eddie Dean is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 06:32
  #6770 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
Three women went to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They got drunk and woke up in jail - only to find that they’re being executed in the morning! - although none of them could remember what they did the night before!

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
The executioner turns on the switch and nothing happens. The execution team all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in, and states her last words: "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
Again, the switch is flicked, and again, nothing happens. Immediately the team fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in, and says, "Well, I'm just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering from the University of West Virginia - and I can tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody, if you don't plug that thing in!"
onetrack is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 08:10
  #6771 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
There was a misprint in the bible it wisnae Gallilee it should have read Gallowgate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WgXPBDrd8s
sirwa69 is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 08:24
  #6772 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
onetrack,

Someone has to say it...

Three items which conjoined are impossibilities - University of West Virginia, an Electrical Engineering graduate and a blonde!
radeng is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 09:13
  #6773 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
Yep, wrong university!
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 13:28
  #6774 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
Its Friday!!

Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks.
One drunk said, "Man, these steps are close together."
The other drunk said, "I can handle the steps, but why did they make the damn handrails so low?"
expatfrance is offline  
Old 27th Feb 2015, 16:12
  #6775 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Shades of Grey

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . in and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, . . . .

Between her breasts, . . . . and trickling down the small of her back . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved.

. . . Forwards then backwards . . . .

. . . Forward then backward . . . .

. . . Again . . . . and again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream and shouted. . . . . .


"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't park it. . . .

You do it . . . . !"
Lon More is offline  
Old 1st Mar 2015, 06:35
  #6776 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 71
Posts: 1,703
Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week.
Took her to the Fair last night - it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris Wheel.
Stanwell is offline  
Old 1st Mar 2015, 10:34
  #6777 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
Swiss cheese model - a Swiss model who is posing with cheese
probes is offline  
Old 1st Mar 2015, 10:59
  #6778 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Lon More is offline  
Old 1st Mar 2015, 11:01
  #6779 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Lon More is offline  
Old 2nd Mar 2015, 13:50
  #6780 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,340
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky.

The first responders got the alert and descended on the farm in force ... after a long drive along unimproved roadsin the hills.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff, a paramedic, and a fireman entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

“Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
“ Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor'sengine.
“Do you realize that there was Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the UnitedStates?"
“ Yep."
“Were there any survivors?"
“Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning. You got a preacher with ya? Might be nice if someone said some words -- "
“Hank," the sheriff interrupted, " this is important. Is President Obama dead?"
“Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know how bad that guy lies ... I didn’t believe a word of it.”
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