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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 23rd Feb 2015, 14:21
  #6741 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Feb 2015, 15:54
  #6742 (permalink)  
 
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With todays headlines in mind

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Old 24th Feb 2015, 13:02
  #6743 (permalink)  
 
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Fred the Flirt popped into the hotels barber shop for a shave and haircut.

While he waited for the barber, the barbers gorgeous young assistant asked if he'd like a manicure while he waited.

Fred agreed with alacrity, and couldn't take his eyes off the shapely young thing while she worked on his nails.

He thought he'd try chatting her up. "What time do you get off work?" he asked.

"Six o'clock", she replied.

"What about having a drink with me at the bar after you've finished, and I'll buy you dinner, too?", said Fred.

"Oh no, I couldn't do that, I'm married. What would my husband say?"

"Just tell him straight out, you're going out tonight", leered Fred.

"Why don't you tell him yourself? That's him stropping the razor over there!" she replied ...
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Old 24th Feb 2015, 14:49
  #6744 (permalink)  
 
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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
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Old 24th Feb 2015, 18:10
  #6745 (permalink)  
 
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Thumbs down

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear — everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie – and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop, and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
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Old 24th Feb 2015, 19:13
  #6746 (permalink)  
 
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Old 24th Feb 2015, 21:29
  #6747 (permalink)  
 
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the England football squad should have no worries regarding a November-December worldcup slot.
they will be home in plenty of time to switch the Christmas lights on!!!
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 07:29
  #6748 (permalink)  
 
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Judas: "You still on for Friday?"

Jesus: "Friday?"

Judas: "Yeah, you know, the Last Supper."

Jesus: "The what?"

Judas: "Erm, supper. Normal supper with the fellas."


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Old 25th Feb 2015, 08:37
  #6749 (permalink)  
 
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 13:25
  #6750 (permalink)  

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Judas: "You still on for Friday?"

Jesus: "Friday?"

Judas: "Yeah, you know, the Last Supper."

Jesus: "The what?"

Judas: "Erm, supper. Normal supper with the fellas."
Thursday surely ??
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 13:56
  #6751 (permalink)  
 
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Grief, are you actually saying that some people know (or care) with certainty, upon which day of the week the Last Supper was held.
More to the point, does it matter?
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 14:14
  #6752 (permalink)  
 
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Grief, are you actually saying that some people know (or care) with
certainty, upon which day of the week the Last Supper was held.
More to the point, does it matter?
Seems to be important to you as you´re the one who picked up on it.

Next joke please
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 14:14
  #6753 (permalink)  
 
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For the joke to work, since the next day "Good Friday" is when Christ was crucified (in most Christian tradition) it makes sense that the supper on Thursday fits into who the two characters in that skit are. It's a joke that relies on context.

In other humorous news ...

One has heard that the reason that they only had bread and wine at the Last Supper is that someone mistakenly ordered pork chops as the main course.
(Another joke that relies on context ...)
(See also George Carlins' book, "
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
?")
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 15:16
  #6754 (permalink)  
 
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Siti that made me laugh out loud - thank you!

(to my shame I didn't spot the Thursday point, but I'm pedantic enough to agree that it should read Thursday. Top joke though).
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 16:54
  #6755 (permalink)  
 
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What do you expect when an atheist does a cut and paste job on a religious joke?
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 17:00
  #6756 (permalink)  
 
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What do you expect when an atheist does a cut and paste job on a religious joke?
Not crossed puns.
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 18:24
  #6757 (permalink)  
 
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REALLY useful information !!

Since the Jewish day ended/started at sunset rather than at midnight, the last supper was not held on Thursday evening, but early on Friday.
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Old 25th Feb 2015, 21:36
  #6758 (permalink)  
 
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Think I've lost the will to live.
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 06:54
  #6759 (permalink)  
 
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Like to join me for supper tonight Jem?
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Old 26th Feb 2015, 07:58
  #6760 (permalink)  

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And the plastic bag under the table at the Last Supper? ....








.................. that was Judas' carry out! (best in a Glaswegian accent)
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