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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 9th Feb 2015, 11:12
  #6701 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157

A FRENCH court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

A registrar recording the baby’s birth last September flagged the unusual name to local prosecutors who took it to a family court judge, the prosecutor’s office told AFP, confirming a story in the Voix du Nord newspaper.

The parents did not attend the court hearing and the judge decided in their absence to rename the baby Ella.

No Cookies | The Courier-Mail


Interesting looking treats, those. Must be a bit of a mouthful for the girls
david1300 is offline  
Old 9th Feb 2015, 11:24
  #6702 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Planet Tharg
Posts: 2,471
Nutella is positively sophisticated compared to some of the gems around these parts.
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Old 9th Feb 2015, 14:26
  #6703 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler." "Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
funfly is offline  
Old 9th Feb 2015, 14:54
  #6704 (permalink)  
t7a
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: nr Bury St Edmunds
Posts: 110
Jane initially met Tarzan in the Garden of Eden. She was attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...'Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified, Jane exclaimed, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She removed her leaves and laid on the ground.

'Here,' she said, pointing to her private part, 'You must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his leaf, revealing to Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'Why did you do that?'

Tarzan replied, 'Always check first for squirrel.'
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Old 10th Feb 2015, 07:43
  #6705 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 10th Feb 2015, 14:24
  #6706 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: PBI
Posts: 213
Thats so they can spot their vehicle from the air!

When it gets nicked!
OldCessna is offline  
Old 11th Feb 2015, 17:15
  #6707 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 84
The parents did not attend the court hearing and the judge decided in their absence to rename the baby Ella.
He didn't do her a favor if she ever spends any time in Greece, Ella or έλα means "come!" or "come now!" in Greek, drove a friend of mine completely nuts when she lived there.

Last edited by OPENDOOR; 11th Feb 2015 at 17:18. Reason: spelling.
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Old 12th Feb 2015, 08:46
  #6708 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: yes
Posts: 62
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (had to come)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,I had a look inside her bag;...T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it,And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well;She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Don_Apron is offline  
Old 12th Feb 2015, 08:47
  #6709 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Berkshire
Age: 75
Posts: 118
Church ladies with typewriters !

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals..
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours .
victor tango is offline  
Old 12th Feb 2015, 09:14
  #6710 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: yes
Posts: 62
An old story but I know it's true and funny I think.

A Gentleman's memories (caution, aviation content!)

Excuse the ramblings of an old gentleman who has long since penned his last entry in the log book, but does anybody here remember the old days when pilots back then were men that didn't want to be women or girlymen. Pilots all knew who Jimmy Doolittle was. Pilots drank coffee, whiskey, smoked cigars and didn't wear digital watches.

They carried their own suitcases and brain bags like the real men they were. Pilots didn't bend over into the crash position multiple times each day in front of passengers at security so that some Government agent could probe for tweezers or fingernail clippers or too much toothpaste.

Pilots didn't go through the terminal impersonating a caddy pulling a bunch of golf clubs, computers, guitars and feed bags of tofu and granola on a sissy trailer with no hat, and granny glasses hanging on a pink string around their pencil neck ,while talking to their personal trainer on the mobile.

Remember the days when being a Captain was as good as being the King in a Mel Brooks movie. All the stewardesses (aka flight attendants) were young,attractive, and single women that were proud to be combatants in the sexual revolution. They would blush and say thankyou when they were told they looked good, instead of filing a sexual harrassment claim. Junior stewardesses shared a room and talked about men...... with not thoughts of substitutions.

Passengers wore nice clothes and were polite, they could speak AND understand English. They didn't speak gibberish or listen to loud gangster rap on their Ipods. They bathed and didn't smell like a rotting pile of garbage in a jogging suit and flip-flops.

If the Captain wanted to throw some offensive, ranting jerk off the plane, it was done without any worries of a law suit or getting fired.

Axial flow engines crackled with the sound of freedom and left an impressive black smoke trail like a locomotive burning soft coal. Jet fuel was cheap and once the throttles were pushed up they were left there, after all it was the jet age and the idea was to go fast. Economy cruise was something in the performance book, but no one knew why or where it was. When the clacker went off no one got all tight or scared because Boeing built its 707s out of iron, nothing was going to fall off, and that sound then had the same effect on real pilots then as Viagra does now for these new age guys.

There was very little plastic and no composites on the aeroplanes. Planes and women had eye pleasing symetrical curves, not an ugly bunch of vortex generators,ventral fins, flow diverters, tatoos, rings in their noses tongues and eyebrows.

Airlines were run by men who had built their Companies from scratch, knew many of their employees by name and were lifetime airline employees themselves......not pseudo financiers and bean counters who flit from one occupation to another for a few bucks, a better parachute or a fancier title while fervently believing they are a class of beings unto themselves.

Does anybody remember those good old days?

Last edited by Don_Apron; 12th Feb 2015 at 09:29.
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Old 12th Feb 2015, 10:18
  #6711 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: eastcoastoz
Age: 71
Posts: 1,703
Oh, good one Don.
All I can say is..
Stanwell is offline  
Old 12th Feb 2015, 12:58
  #6712 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: 100m South of the 45th
Age: 54
Posts: 33
A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction.

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without
any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you
£5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Old 13th Feb 2015, 02:09
  #6713 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Albury NSW.
Posts: 35
I guess this isn't a joke in the purest form of the word but I couldn't stop laughing-mostly because they are all true-at least I reckon they are

Finagle's 18 Laws of Inverse Negative Dynamics

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12 Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent locker.
13 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible especially IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking -- A closed mouth gathers no feet!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.



If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and fall off.
Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet

Cheers
AnAussieNut is offline  
Old 13th Feb 2015, 10:02
  #6714 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
I thought your backside fell off.
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Old 13th Feb 2015, 10:53
  #6715 (permalink)  

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Northumberland, UK
Age: 56
Posts: 293
Talking

From the World Punning Championships

I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”

Growing up on a farm, my dad was always telling me to use the indoor toilet. But I preferred to go against the grain

In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders. But in Iraq no phobia.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. He’d herd it through the grapevine

My kids can’t access videos of twerking on our home PC: we’ve got Norton Anti-Cyrus
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Old 13th Feb 2015, 11:21
  #6716 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
one added to Victor Tango's list (by a retired friend who was a pastor)

"Silence for medication" during the service.
probes is offline  
Old 13th Feb 2015, 15:02
  #6717 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Yellowknife
Posts: 41
I heard they've stopped broadcasting The Flintstones in Dubai as the folks there just don't get the humour. However, the folks in Abu Dhabi do!
spInY nORmAn is offline  
Old 13th Feb 2015, 17:04
  #6718 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
we’ve got Norton Anti-Cyrus
Do they do this for OS X? I hope so ...
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Old 13th Feb 2015, 18:38
  #6719 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 51
A dentist married a manicurist, they fought tooth and nail.
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Old 14th Feb 2015, 21:40
  #6720 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  

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