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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 4th Feb 2015, 09:41
  #6681 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somerset, UK
Age: 70
Posts: 82
The Polish maid had a Spanish accent??
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 11:28
  #6682 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Very laudable ... but how many of those things does one still do today?

Once we learned we could be lazy, we adopted it as the way to be. Perhaps there isn't anything wrong with trying to do the green thing now.
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 11:39
  #6683 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
I regularly rescue glass bottles from the riverbank and bins and take them to the recycling centre - and would be willing to return them to the manufacturers/retailers, but they don't want them.

In the 1980s Denmark prohibited metal cans for drinks and there was a system of deposit on glass bottles - the children earned extra pocket-money by gathering discarded bottles and claiming the deposit.

Scroll down for the bit about recycling drinks containers:-
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 13:39
  #6684 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Very laudable ... but how many of those things does one still do today?

Once we learned we could be lazy, we adopted it as the way to be
Some may have done. I didn't. I still recycle/reuse anything and everything. I have some tools in my workshop that are now in their 4th incarnation as a different tool from the last time, and I'm still using the 1/2" square socket driver I made in 1962 for adjusting tappets on OHV pushrod engines.

Took a load of lead and copper to the recyclers a couple of weeks ago, been saving it up for a couple of years - GBP 140 in my pocket - a fair few pints of beer there.
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 13:47
  #6685 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 71
Posts: 1,560
The Vicar called. He wants his roof back!
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 20:20
  #6686 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: yes
Posts: 62
Marine Sergeant Major!! What a boy!!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only
2130 now."
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Old 4th Feb 2015, 23:01
  #6687 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243

Some years back, I read about a Vicar who had checked when the lead was last replaced - and it was in the late 1790s. So he sold the church roof, had a new lead roof fitted and still had a handsome profit left for funds.....

lead that old has a substantial silver content, which accounted for the profit....
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 01:59
  #6688 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,136
Fishing with a hand grenade.
1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it far from the boat.
3. Net the stunned and dead fish.

When you forget RULE #2
1. Have buddies shoot a video.
2. Have rescue boat nearby.
3. Resuscitate stunned fisherman.
(If they survive!)
I could watch it for hours....

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Old 6th Feb 2015, 06:24
  #6689 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
Old but it is Friday

I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 10:57
  #6690 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
The ex GF was a very intelligent lady with a deep understanding of how the mind works.
I once asked her to tell me, in one sentence, something that would give me both pleasure and disappointment. She simply said, "Of all your mates, you have the biggest cck."
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 12:46
  #6691 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 696
Expat's story reminds me of the man who boasted that he could service 200 ladies in one session and a date was set up for us all to watch one afternoon.

Unfortunately he could not manage it and he was surprised because he said that he had managed it at the practice in the morning.
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 14:06
  #6692 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 14:28
  #6693 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
In Geordieland, it would be "Fower Purrster"
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Old 6th Feb 2015, 15:53
  #6694 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,789
Following Expat and Funfly...

Man goes to the GP...

Man: Doc, I have a serious sex problem.

Doc: Go on...

Man: Well, my wife demands sex 3 or 4 time a day.

Doc: Mmm ok...

Man: But my mistress wants at least two tumbles a day too.

Doc: I see the problem

Man: No, that's all fine, Doc.

Doc: Well what's bothering you then?

Man: Well see, every time I have a wank, I black out!

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Old 6th Feb 2015, 20:38
  #6695 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
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Old 7th Feb 2015, 00:48
  #6696 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
ricardian is offline  
Old 7th Feb 2015, 15:42
  #6697 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: flyover country USA
Age: 77
Posts: 4,580
Brian On Board

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Old 8th Feb 2015, 11:18
  #6698 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Norbury
Age: 77
Posts: 34
The salesman had proposed to Sarah, but she was rather doubtful about accepting him. He's very irreligious, she said, discussing the matter with her mother. He doesn't even believe in hell. Well go ahead and marry him, cut in her father, He'll soon find out how wrong he is!
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Old 9th Feb 2015, 09:27
  #6699 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Husband and his Wife went to the Doctor.

The Doctor took the Husband in first.
The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his Blood Pressure and other things, and finally told him
he Would see his Wife now.

He took her to another room and told her to undress.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction,
and then to bend over.

Then he said - Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your Husband.

Then the Doctor went into the office and told the Husband - You can relax!

There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!!
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Old 9th Feb 2015, 10:16
  #6700 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 25
Best Western I've ever seen!!


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