Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 1st Feb 2015, 12:35
  #6661 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question lik…e that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn’t read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
expatfrance is offline  
Old 2nd Feb 2015, 09:15
  #6662 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
discreet delivery



I Googooéd it. It's a German sex shop, seems to be mainly for the other side.
Lon More is offline  
Old 2nd Feb 2015, 17:59
  #6663 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: southeast of the black stump
Age: 74
Posts: 56
Delivering to

No doubt
waveskimmer is offline  
Old 2nd Feb 2015, 18:49
  #6664 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 317
Scotsman: "I'm awa' to the dance the noo."

Englishman: "Ballroom?"

Scotsman; "Aye, I'm wearin' the kilt!"
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 2nd Feb 2015, 20:17
  #6665 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
Fox3WheresMyBanana is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 05:47
  #6666 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1,083
Scotsman: "I'm awa' to the dance the noo."

Englishman: "Ballroom?"

Scotsman; "Aye, I'm wearin' the kilt!"
Must be Hamish and Dougal, surely?
LookingForAJob is online now  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 08:49
  #6667 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: yes
Posts: 62
The Stork.

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough."
Don_Apron is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 09:41
  #6668 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,117
Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the
much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because
plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green
thing' back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your
generation did not care enough to save our environment for future
generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its
day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer
bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed
and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-
used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for
rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our
schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books
provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our
scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown
paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every
supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and
didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half
a mile.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't
have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-
gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did
dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes
from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back
in our day.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every
room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief
(remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We
blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to
do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the
mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or
plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn
petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human
power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club
to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using
a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We
refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole
razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or
walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the
family's £50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house
did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room,
not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't
need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we
old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back
then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off, (sorry, 'really upset us'), especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart bugger who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!



Here endeth the bloody lesson!
LGS6753 is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 09:50
  #6669 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...
Please forward this on to a smart arse young person who needs a
lesson in conservation from another selfish old person ...

Fixed that for you.
UniFoxOs is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 10:59
  #6670 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
LGS6753

Absolutely lovely, not really for the jokes pages but maybe the best place for us all to see it as we ALL look here don't we?

Me, I'm going to copy it and paste it.

FF
funfly is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 12:47
  #6671 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 1996
Location: Check with Ops
Posts: 734
I certainly enjoyed it and found myself nodding as I read it but then realised it was somewhat ironic as it was obviously sent as a 'round robin' email, from one of those nasty modern gadgets about which the author wrote.

Apart from that, I realise I must be getting old
Pontius is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 14:23
  #6672 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Have you noticed when you get one of those silly 'round robins', how many of the recipients and senders have business and government email addresses, especially ones with .nhs.gov etc.

Just shows what these public employees spend their time doing eh?

FF
funfly is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 14:47
  #6673 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: In transit
Age: 66
Posts: 3,059
A desperate looking woman, tears running down her face, stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! F--k off, you filthy old bastard!"


He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........
Capetonian is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 17:37
  #6674 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 75
Posts: 723
she should bring her own grocery bags because
plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

No, so now we do just that - take our own freezer bags to shop - but instead of using supermarket bags for garbage once we are home, we now buy unfriendly- to- the- environment plastic garbage bin bags which we buy especially for the purpose, which are much thicker plastic than the old supermarket bags, and which don't decay like they did.

What brain-dead w*nker banned supermarket bags assuming they were just thrown away after one use ?

Sorry, back to the jokes......

The Board of the ECD were having a meeting when there was a knock on the door and there stood Yanis Varoufakis....
OFSO is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 18:07
  #6675 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Berkshire
Age: 75
Posts: 118
LGS6573
Re your green thing post
BRILLIANT
Thanks
victor tango is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 20:00
  #6676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
3 Ladies in a Sauna

Two young ladies and one senior citizen were sat in the sauna naked. Suddenly there was a beeping sound, one of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The other two looked on questioningly "That was my pager" she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm"

A few minutes later a phone rang, the second young woman lifted her palm to her ear and proceeded to take the call. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand".

The older woman felt very low-tech, not to be outdone, she stepped out of the sauna and went to the changing rooms. She returned to the sauna with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said......." Well would you look at that, i have a fax coming through
"
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 20:05
  #6677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank Christ for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 3rd Feb 2015, 20:47
  #6678 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Near Stalyvegas
Age: 73
Posts: 2,023
Oldies but goodies

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.


A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
chiglet is offline  
Old 4th Feb 2015, 08:42
  #6679 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
In the late hours of one very rainy night, a taxi driver spotted a young lady in a very tight short skirt tottering towards his cab.

"Where to?" he asked.
She named one of the roughest suburbs in the city.
"Okay," he said, cursing his luck at having to go such a distance with no chance of a return fare.

After a while the girl coughed to attract his attention and said "Driver, I have something to confess".

What's that?" said the cabbie.

"I've no money for the fare..." then she spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "but I have got THIS"

Looking in the mirror, the cabbie could see that she was wearing no underwear, and immediately asked....

Wait for it...


"Got anything smaller?"
UniFoxOs is offline  
Old 4th Feb 2015, 09:28
  #6680 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
The Polish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to challenge her about it.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Lon More is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.