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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 22nd Feb 2014, 06:35
  #4721 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
The soldier is standing, legs apart, pants around his ankles .. while the medic swabs Iodine on the huge graze on his scrotum ....

"Well, soldier! .. says the medic .. I gotta say, this bullet wound, is as close as you'd ever want to see any wound around the family jewels area!! ...

And the soldier replies .. "Yeah, you ain't telling me nothin'! - and if I hadn't been thinking about the wife's younger sister at the time, I would have lost the lot!!"
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Old 22nd Feb 2014, 12:13
  #4722 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 185
In Danish, "fart" means movement, speed, travel:

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Old 22nd Feb 2014, 12:28
  #4723 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,812
In Danish, "fart" means movement, speed, travel:
means eggsactly same in Engerlish
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Old 22nd Feb 2014, 14:34
  #4724 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Surrey
Posts: 155

****er Bus by alanrevans, on Flickr
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Old 22nd Feb 2014, 17:28
  #4725 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: West London
Posts: 335
Is sex work or pleasure??

A RN Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"?

A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant Commander said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked what was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. Gawd Bless the lower ranks.
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 04:21
  #4726 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the desert
Posts: 122
On the topic of "fart"..
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 04:38
  #4727 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
the 'thingies' used to fix it look ominous.
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 07:08
  #4728 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
When GEC took over Plessey Telecommunications, the new joint company was called GEC-Plessey Telecommunications and was known as 'GPT'. The telephonists were told to answer the telephone as 'GPT'.

This was a problem in France, as 'GPT' is pronounced as 'Jay Pay Tay'.

Unfortunately in French, 'Jay Pay Tay' means 'I have farted'........The greeting became 'GP Telecomm' in France!
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 08:36
  #4729 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
Let's all trust and pray that the H.E. Butt Grocery Co never makes a merger offer for that German Bus company in the second last photo.
The hyphenated name after the merger would be too long to paint on the bus, anyway.
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 11:54
  #4730 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 75
Posts: 723
Dunementat, if that sign is supposed to be in Germany it's a fake. The word there would be spelled FAHRTKONTROLLE. Of course if it was an unGerman fart, maybe not.....
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 12:30
  #4731 (permalink)  
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Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
if that sign is supposed to be in Germany it's a fake
Probably Denmark.

The town name Middelfart means central passage.
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Old 23rd Feb 2014, 12:44
  #4732 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2002
Location: dubai
Posts: 944
Wardrobe malfunctions. No joke really.

My all time favorite is no 4.

WHOOPS - WHAT'S THAT TEAR? | The worst sports outfit fails of all time - Yahoo Eurosport UK
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Old 24th Feb 2014, 09:20
  #4733 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
Texting fun
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Old 24th Feb 2014, 09:51
  #4734 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 28th Feb 2014, 18:42
  #4735 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: quintesential little englander lost in a vacuum of post aviation bewilderment
Posts: 46
From the Tower

Caution; aviation content a good chum across the pond sent me these

I Love that last one

Cockpit/Box office to Tower
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceeding long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how
to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew,
screaming: " U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Old 28th Feb 2014, 20:07
  #4736 (permalink)  

Cool as a moosp
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Mostly Hong Kong
Posts: 802
Ummmm as several of these airlines no longer exist and have been defunct for many years, is it just possible that the world of aviation have heard these before?

Do try and keep up. A good Ryanair or recent American Airlines joke is de rigeur these days….

I'll try. In a far east hotel which catered to several crews, sometimes one of the crews would throw a crew party. After a very successful one that ended with the threads of daylight, most sensible chaps had gone to their rooms. One who did not was a UK based hostess who was banging on the room door of a European first officer of another airline, demanding in no uncertain terms "Why don't you F*** me, why don't you fu** me. After a minute a door was heard to open and a voice that could only have come from a Lufthansa Captain with much experience of these situations opened his door and said in a volume that was heard around the hotel, "Why don't you f**k her then we can all get some sleep?"

I was there. I was not the first officer, otherwise there would have been no story...
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Old 28th Feb 2014, 20:19
  #4737 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,812
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.
Least change to a believeable airport....................UA727 at Gatwick !!!!!!!!!
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Old 1st Mar 2014, 01:45
  #4738 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Dunnunda
Age: 58
Posts: 130
"UA727 at Gatwick "

Maybe a LHR divert - used to see lots of UA 727's at LHR in the late 80's and early 90's
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Old 1st Mar 2014, 10:07
  #4739 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 1st Mar 2014, 21:44
  #4740 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 391
Russell Gulch is offline  

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