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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 5th Feb 2014, 11:11
  #4641 (permalink)  
 
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Old 5th Feb 2014, 14:33
  #4642 (permalink)  
 
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Sugar joke =
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Old 5th Feb 2014, 15:40
  #4643 (permalink)  
 
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Sugar joke
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Old 5th Feb 2014, 22:12
  #4644 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

There used to be a similar financial one back in the day when a young BAOR squaddie enters a Hamburg brothel, selects his "partner" and proceeds up stairs for the duration (about fifteen minutes, he was young).
As he dressed he said to her, "how many pound will that be"?
"I'd rather have Marks".
"OK, that was five for content, four for performance, five for......."
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 15:26
  #4645 (permalink)  

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How old was that one Phil?


My Road Rage Is Gone

I no longer have problems with road rage.

You may not have known I had issues with road rage.

However, since I picked up my new bike,

people no longer seem to annoy me any more.

Maybe I have mellowed.

Just wanted to let you know I'm over all of that now.



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Old 6th Feb 2014, 16:23
  #4646 (permalink)  
 
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Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear
This apostrophe business is getting beyond a joke
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 17:37
  #4647 (permalink)  
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This apostrophe business is getting beyond a joke

No no, it's This apostrophe business's getting beyond a joke

Incident, what is "beyond a joke" ? a sniggering audience ?
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 18:01
  #4648 (permalink)  

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copy and paste. A miriad of sins
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 18:19
  #4649 (permalink)  
 
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Russia has identified a terrorist plot targeting the Winter Olympics with bombs made from toothpaste.

This scandal has been dubbed, "Colgate".
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 18:44
  #4650 (permalink)  
 
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Old 6th Feb 2014, 20:27
  #4651 (permalink)  
 
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There was this German gentleman at a certain establishment in Sweden, doing his best:

Lady of the night: "Snella du, snella du !" (darling, darling)

Customer: "Aber ich kann nicht schneller !"

Old one, why is the ceiling moving, where is my hat?
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 02:05
  #4652 (permalink)  
 
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Getting Older

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 07:41
  #4653 (permalink)  
 
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 08:41
  #4654 (permalink)  
 
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Turbine D
After all these years it's good that Hawaii finally got its turn at that joke.
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 14:23
  #4655 (permalink)  
 
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Three couples were on holiday together, having met in college years before, and sat down to breakfast the first morning. The couples were from Virginia, Texas, and Massachusetts. The usual chit chat was going on, breakfast was served, and the following Cattiness ensued.

The lady from Virginia looked at her husband, and said: "Please pass me the honey, Honey!" She smiled sweetly.

Not to be outdone, the gal from Texas, a few moments later, pur her hand gently on her husbands arm and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."

The gal from Massachusetts followed suit. She looked at her husband, and said: "Pass the bacon, pig."
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 18:11
  #4656 (permalink)  
 
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Ah, Wolfie, this one does the rounds and gets turned around as well.

In its previous iterations, it was the men talking, and the last man says "Pass the tea, bag!"
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Old 7th Feb 2014, 18:26
  #4657 (permalink)  
 
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Charlie, that particular version is used to illustrate the infamous "Boston Bitch" syndrome ... which is a well known trope on this side of the pond.
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Old 8th Feb 2014, 07:45
  #4658 (permalink)  

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John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly, "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said, "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered, "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant."
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Old 8th Feb 2014, 07:48
  #4659 (permalink)  

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Old 8th Feb 2014, 09:40
  #4660 (permalink)  
 
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My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"

"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria."
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