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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 19th Aug 2013, 07:41
  #3641 (permalink)  

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Can you read sheet music? I didn't know I could until now.
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 06:43
  #3642 (permalink)  
 
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The ten jokes judged to be the "funniest" at this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

  1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
  2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
  3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
  4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
  5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
  6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
  7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
  8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
  9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
  10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Yep, they were the best.
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 08:32
  #3643 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
The ten jokes judged to be the "funniest" at this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe.



Yep, they were the best.
It must be the way they tellum...
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 10:49
  #3644 (permalink)  
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Is that music for playing on a G-string?
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 11:38
  #3645 (permalink)  
 
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Patient: "I'm as tired and depressed as a Welsh seaside resort in the middle of winter".

Doctor: "Sounds like you're Rhyl....."
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 13:09
  #3646 (permalink)  
 
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sitigeltfel: number 9 didn't work for me. What pun did I miss?
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 13:39
  #3647 (permalink)  
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I didn't really see it either. I can only assume that Bobby Mair thinks Edinburgh lapdancers are all old enough to be his mother?

UFO
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 13:48
  #3648 (permalink)  
 
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Some are.

Errrr, allegedly.
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Old 20th Aug 2013, 13:54
  #3649 (permalink)  

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.. and the music they dance to is pretty old. Have you never heard of Castle Rock?

Last edited by Lon More; 20th Aug 2013 at 13:55.
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Old 21st Aug 2013, 11:05
  #3650 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Aug 2013, 12:28
  #3651 (permalink)  
 
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For the slow of understanding:

If you don't know who your mother is then the lap dancer could well be she and it would really put you off your beer if you got a boner in such circumstances. Therefore, being unable to be sure it wasn't your mother ....etc
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Old 21st Aug 2013, 12:37
  #3652 (permalink)  
 
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Family Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Old 21st Aug 2013, 23:04
  #3653 (permalink)  
 
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Ricardian, that's sad but true (even after the latest day's play).
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Old 22nd Aug 2013, 07:00
  #3654 (permalink)  
 
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To determine how 200 crows died, one would expect a thorough investigation; however, who would expect such a finding?


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!
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Old 22nd Aug 2013, 07:09
  #3655 (permalink)  
 
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The parrot...

A long-distance truck driver had a pet parrot that he kept on a perch in the cab. Sometimes, though, he would pick up hitchhikers for a little something extra.

So, one day he picked up this slutty-looking girl on the outskirts of a small town, and carried on out into the open country with his load of live chickens. When he had got about ten miles out of town he pulled over and told the girl that it was a case of "[email protected] or walk!"

She looked him in the eye and told him that she'd rather walk. Then she jumped out of the truck and set off walking.

The parrot found this hilarious, and started in with "[email protected] or walk! [email protected] or walk!" until the driver told it to shut up, or else he was going to put it back there with all those smelly chickens. The parrot kept it up, and the driver did put it back there with the chickens. Then he carried on.

A few miles later, the Highway Patrol pulled him over, saying that he was leaving a trail of chickens. When the driver went back to check, there was the parrot, grabbing chickens and saying "[email protected] or walk!" Each chicken answered "Waak!" and went overboard.
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Old 22nd Aug 2013, 08:56
  #3656 (permalink)  
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A gypsy lady conducting a seance starts laughing. One of the attendees punches her, saying that he 'Always liked to strike a happy medium.'
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Old 22nd Aug 2013, 17:24
  #3657 (permalink)  
 
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A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
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Old 22nd Aug 2013, 22:11
  #3658 (permalink)  
 
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Ricardian, your post 3676 is much funnier when viewed in its original context, a song (on Youchoob) by Kevin Bloody Williams called "they beat me". Except the last verse starts with the line "I wanna play cricket against England, they never beat any cnut, can't bat, can't bowl, can't catch, can't throw, can't even fkukin' run!" Also includes some gratuitous female nudity, for those who don't like cricket.

But that was made in the days when our team was invincible and the Poms were VERY vincible.
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Old 23rd Aug 2013, 14:52
  #3659 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Aug 2013, 15:04
  #3660 (permalink)  
 
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After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'No, even bigger'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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