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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 1st Mar 2013, 00:05
  #2681 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 79
Posts: 4,596
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road - they hit it full on and the
car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "Get out
and check - YOU were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"YOU were driving; SO you go and tell the farmer," says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled,
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, then the wife gave me a slap-up meal and
finally, the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Cherie.

"I knocked on the door - and when it was answered, I said to them: "I'm
Cherie Blair's chauffeur and

I've just killed the cow
Loose rivets is online now  
Old 1st Mar 2013, 05:21
  #2682 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 79
Posts: 4,596
I want to be Prime Minister!

No, you can't, I'm going to be Prime Minister and this is why.




Loose rivets is online now  
Old 1st Mar 2013, 05:28
  #2683 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
Hilarious!
And as I happen to know a couple a bit older - that's just how it goes!
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 06:48
  #2684 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 170
Once upon a time an old man was walking along the road when he heard a faint voice calling "help me, help me". He stopped and looked around but couldn't see anyone around. Then he heard it again: "help me, help me".

He was a bit worried about this, and then he heard "look under the big leaf just by you foot"

So he picked up the big leaf and there was a frog. And the frog called "help me, help me".

So he picked up the frog and held it up to his face to see and hear it better. And the frog said: "please help me, I am a beautiful princess but yesterday on my thirteenth birthday I was turned into a frog by my evil stepmother who is a witch"

So the man said "well what can I do to help?"

And the frog said: "you have to take me home with you and keep me with you all day and keep me in your bed all night and then the evil spell will be broken and I will turn back into a beautiful princess"

So that's what the man did and sure enough in the morning there was a beautiful princess in his bed!


And there, ladies & gentlemen of the jury, the defence rests its case.

Last edited by G&T ice n slice; 1st Mar 2013 at 06:49.
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 07:01
  #2685 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Someone noted that recently Belgium had no effective government for 500 odd days, and the public service did a perfectly good job of running the place.

Perhaps government really is just 'the biggest game in town', and we're all suckers.
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 07:06
  #2686 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 58
The only thing missing is an extended session of dummy-spitting.
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 08:31
  #2687 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
it wasn't a princess - it was a thirteen year old choir boy!
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 09:55
  #2688 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Detroit MI
Age: 61
Posts: 1,463
it wasn't a princess - it was a thirteen year old choir boy!
Ahhh... That's why the Pope "retired"...
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 13:23
  #2689 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
situational awareness?

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Old 1st Mar 2013, 13:42
  #2690 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
The actions of those twins reminded me of this...

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Old 1st Mar 2013, 15:10
  #2691 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 80
Posts: 695
Loose rivets
I generally hate kids but that video had me in stitches - brilliant.
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Old 1st Mar 2013, 15:55
  #2692 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 75
Posts: 803
One for the grammar police!

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Old 2nd Mar 2013, 06:30
  #2693 (permalink)  

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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
An Afghani, discovered in the back of a truck at at Dover, stated that he was the ex-Minister of Ports and Shipping.
The Immigration Officer was rather surprised and said, "But Afghanistan is landlocked. How could there be a Minister of Ports and Shipping?"
Nonplussed the Afghan stated, "But don't you have a Chancellor of the Exchequer in Britain?"
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Old 3rd Mar 2013, 20:42
  #2694 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alderney
Age: 57
Posts: 80
Prince Charles has no hope of finding out how his mother is. Whenever he rings the Hospital they just hang up on him!
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Old 4th Mar 2013, 09:55
  #2695 (permalink)  
TRC
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Wiltshire, UK
Posts: 506
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over &
discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the
buckshot."
"What ' s the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to
have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your
sister a plastic surgeon?"


" Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She ' s a flute player in the
Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put
your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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Old 4th Mar 2013, 10:13
  #2696 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 312
Congratulations TRC.
You've just won the prize for the oldest joke ever told on JB.
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Old 4th Mar 2013, 10:14
  #2697 (permalink)  

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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
A number of UK Banks have banded together to express their gratitude to the British people for helping them out in their time of need.


They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil sharpener which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the billions of pounds profit they got out of us last year. It's designed to remind us of the friendly and, even intimate, relationship the banks have built up with the British public.



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Old 4th Mar 2013, 10:22
  #2698 (permalink)  
TRC
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Wiltshire, UK
Posts: 506
Why thank you.

I received it today and must confess I dont remember seeing it before.

Maybe the younger members can keep it alive for future generations.
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Old 4th Mar 2013, 11:33
  #2699 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
It's as bad as the one about a new brand of burgers being offered. Called 'My Little Pony'.
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Old 4th Mar 2013, 11:53
  #2700 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
You've just won the prize for the oldest joke ever told on JB.
well, but there are new generations coming...
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