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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 15th Feb 2013, 17:12
  #2561 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Apparently they have discovered a new use for sheep in Wales...as meat.
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Old 15th Feb 2013, 21:07
  #2562 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 460
Woman in a bar says to the barman "I'll have an entendre - double."
So he gives her one.
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 04:02
  #2563 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
The truth behind Pistorius's Valentines Day massacre is
that Reeva had developed a foot fetish for another guy.
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 04:52
  #2564 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Dark side of the moon
Age: 56
Posts: 124
Put the boot in slasher
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 05:09
  #2565 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,396
It might not be a foot, but 11 inches is still pretty good!
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 05:25
  #2566 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Melbourne,Vic. Australia
Posts: 51
Poor old Oscar. Certainly took the spring out of his step
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 09:09
  #2567 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Metung RSL or Collingwood Social Club on weekends!
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Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 16:22
  #2568 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Here and there...
Age: 53
Posts: 854
Kind of like the definition of "Naches" and "Tzoris" as explained to me by an old Jewish gent......

Naches is when your son is the hooker for the English Rugby team.......
Tzoris is when your daughter is the hooker for the English Rugby team.......
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 19:40
  #2569 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 22:37
  #2570 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
I understand wellingtons having L and R on them,
but why do knickers have C & A?
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 22:57
  #2571 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Old 16th Feb 2013, 23:30
  #2572 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
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Old 17th Feb 2013, 21:47
  #2573 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: On the Bay, Vic, Oz
Age: 75
Posts: 416
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -



HUSBAND:
.......
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 06:38
  #2574 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 84
Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp was complaining about having no shoes...
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 07:04
  #2575 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: everywhere
Posts: 507
Oscar Pistorius's has misunderstood his girlfriend Reeva when she asked him to 'take her out' for valentines day.
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 07:10
  #2576 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
And what is the word for wife "coming home late after a night out , smelling of tobacco and beer, no bra and skirt torn, and when husband asks "Do you relaly think I will let you in?!" she answers "Big f..ing deal, I just want to take the guitar!"?

Last edited by Kulverstukas; 18th Feb 2013 at 07:11.
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 16:39
  #2577 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Kevin is feeling rosy all over
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 17:40
  #2578 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: .
Posts: 31
The court was told the reason Oscar shot Reeva Steenkamp was that she had taken away his blades.


(She was only trying to reduce his carbon footprint).

Last edited by Akrotiri71; 18th Feb 2013 at 17:41.
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 20:40
  #2579 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,695
My travel plans for 2013


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have not been in Continent, and I don't remember what country it is in, It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
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Old 18th Feb 2013, 21:10
  #2580 (permalink)  
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Brilliant, Mr Rivets. I've been in Consolable, a very sad place, don't want to go back there.
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