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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 10th Jan 2012, 21:31
  #201 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 349
That must be a record - a joke repeated on the same page!
And even reading it twice I haven't a clue what it's about (nor do I wish to).
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 21:33
  #202 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Chez Sprog
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Whoops, didn't spot that. Here's another then;

When Thierry Henry was signed to play at Arsenal again they said, "You'll feel right at home here, everything's just as you left it."

Including the trophy cabinet.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 21:59
  #203 (permalink)  
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Disco Beaver from Outer space...battles Dragula.

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Old 11th Jan 2012, 00:31
  #204 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Sallyann,

That must be a record - a joke repeated on the same page!
A portion of the thread fell off for a bit then was reinstated. While it went missing the second posting appeared.
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 07:18
  #205 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: England.
Posts: 440
A portion of the thread fell off for a bit
Held onto PPRuNe by a gold screw, y'see.

(Wimmin just don't understand such technichorolological things).

*Stands by for airbourne rolling pin*.


socks
cultural exchange program
Petri dishes are more reliable. Anyway, my best cultures grow between my toes. My socks just go stiff after the first month.
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 11:02
  #206 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Planet Tharg
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Socks?


Looxury....!
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 14:02
  #207 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: In transit
Age: 67
Posts: 3,056
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until your father gets home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '



_________________________________________________________



ANSWERS OF A BRILLANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 14:09
  #208 (permalink)  
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Welcome back, Cape !
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 14:14
  #209 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
Posts: 1,305
Go on admit it Cape. You collected up all those discarded jokes from the Christmas crackers didn't you?
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 14:19
  #210 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
What a wonderful mother!
What about 25?
probes is offline  
Old 11th Jan 2012, 14:30
  #211 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: In transit
Age: 67
Posts: 3,056
Nope, I collected them up from emails people sent me while I was banned, which by the way was for making unfavourable remarks about a certain country, not directed at a specific person, but someone of that nationality took offence and went crying to the mods like a girlie and got me banned, instead of taking it on the chin as the rest of us do.

Anyway, thank you OFSO and others for the messages of support I received!
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 15:39
  #212 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Formerly of Nam
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Yep welcome back Cape!

Don't upset that girlie again mate - the wimp isn't worth it.
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Old 11th Jan 2012, 19:54
  #213 (permalink)  
 
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Don't upset that girlie again mate - the wimp isn't worth it.
but you were probably right !

(Racist ? Moi ? )
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Old 12th Jan 2012, 04:30
  #214 (permalink)  
 
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which by the way was for making unfavourable remarks about a certain country
Yeh well the Scots are like that.

Ducks and runs for cover.

PS
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
For me "You weren't born in a barn"
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Old 12th Jan 2012, 07:33
  #215 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
My Mom used to say: Have you got a servant to close the doors for you?

From a friend:







and as my favorite high-school teacher said: Dirty is the one who thinks dirty:

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Old 12th Jan 2012, 07:44
  #216 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
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For me "You weren't born in a barn"
For me "You weren't born in a field"

I was, akcherly 'uddersfield
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Old 12th Jan 2012, 21:52
  #217 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: On the Bay, Vic, Oz
Age: 76
Posts: 415
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium {Gv}, has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Old 12th Jan 2012, 22:50
  #218 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
Followed a sewerage tanker down the A40 today, some wag had written in the filth on the back of it:
"No stools are left in this vehicle overnight"
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Old 13th Jan 2012, 13:05
  #219 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2006
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Age: 79
Posts: 249
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He again declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off and letting me up? I'm starving."
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Old 13th Jan 2012, 15:52
  #220 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 15
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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