Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 5th Dec 2012, 21:46
  #2141 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
Ah, a Beaver men do want to get into....
Fox3WheresMyBanana is offline  
Old 5th Dec 2012, 22:23
  #2142 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,509
Loose rivets, that was hilarious.
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 5th Dec 2012, 23:41
  #2143 (permalink)  


Mmmmm PPruuune!
 
Join Date: Jul 1998
Location: UK
Posts: 519
Mr Rivet - that was golden
Greek God is offline  
Old 6th Dec 2012, 17:34
  #2144 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: engineer at large
Posts: 1,409
I saw some girl driving and texting the other day.
I got really pissed off, rolled down my window,

and threw my beer at her...
FlightPathOBN is offline  
Old 6th Dec 2012, 20:24
  #2145 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 328
My mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas off the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on and he said: "Google Earth"!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My doctor advised me to cut out saturated fat

Itís put an end to s******g the wife in the shower

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
jethro15 is offline  
Old 8th Dec 2012, 00:13
  #2146 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A f**k", Paddy replies.
Tableview is offline  
Old 8th Dec 2012, 17:55
  #2147 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98
A guy from Liverpool has got his kids a trampoline and two bikes for Christmas after looking on the internet.
Asked which website he used he replied that it was Google earth.

Today was weird. In ASDA everywhere I turned there were people on the ground, bleeding from the head and face.
I would have stopped to help but there was nowhere to put my ladder down.

Two Dyslexic Skiers were at the top of a mountain in the Alps getting ready to ski down to the bottom.
The first one said to his mate, "Come on then, let's Zig Zag all the way down."
His friend replied, "No, no, you've got it wrong. We should be Zag Zigging down."
"It's Zig-Zag" said the first.
"No it's Zag-Zig" argued his mate.
Then they saw a guy on a sled waiting to take a run down the slope. They asked his opinion on their dilemma.
"Is it Zig-Zag or Zag-Zig?" asked the first skier.
"I don't know, I'm a tobogganist" he replied.
"Oh, ok" said the second skier "I'll have 20 Marlboros instead."

A teacher at a Wigan school reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but thatís it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Lid

Last edited by flying lid; 8th Dec 2012 at 18:03.
flying lid is offline  
Old 8th Dec 2012, 21:43
  #2148 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 506
The Pope goes over to Ireland. He bumps into Paddy and asks him "What's life like in County Down?" and Paddy told him "It isn't the same since Carol Vorderman left."
Noah Zark. is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 11:02
  #2149 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 910
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they
gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think
they were just Hovis Witnesses.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 11:05
  #2150 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 910


My wife has been giving me hints about what she would like for a Christmas present.
I did an internet search and was surprised at how reasonably priced they were.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 11:07
  #2151 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 910
Pierre, a dashing French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her pubes.......

He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!'
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 11:19
  #2152 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
I was down at the market the other day and bought this cheap mobile phone from a Muslim.

I got home and started mucking about with the settings, but I regretted switching the phone into, "Flight Mode", it exploded...
Lon More is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 12:59
  #2153 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 170
The Revnd. Ian Paisley concluding his sermon:

"and there will be WAILING and GNASHING of TEETH !

Little old lady parishioner (thoroughly frightened by the vision of hellfire & damnation)

"Oh but doctor Paisley I have no teeth"


TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED

(ok perhaps only works in audio...)
G&T ice n slice is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 14:47
  #2154 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
Lon More is offline  
Old 9th Dec 2012, 21:45
  #2155 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,157
Turbine D is offline  
Old 10th Dec 2012, 01:52
  #2156 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 1,525
Awww come on Turbine D that cannot be real..........

you expect us to believe that she managed to add up so it was 50!!!
surely not is offline  
Old 10th Dec 2012, 02:44
  #2157 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,157
s n,
you expect us to believe that she managed to add up so it was 50!!!
She is a math teacher
TD
Turbine D is offline  
Old 10th Dec 2012, 06:00
  #2158 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Lon More is offline  
Old 10th Dec 2012, 15:50
  #2159 (permalink)  
Beady Eye
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 1,498
Originally Posted by Turbine D View Post
She is a math teacher
But addition is not maths, it's arithmetic
BDiONU is offline  
Old 10th Dec 2012, 18:26
  #2160 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 910
sitigeltfel is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.