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Friday Jokes

Old 1st Dec 2012, 10:20
  #2101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
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How true. How very, very true.
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Old 1st Dec 2012, 11:10
  #2102 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Ikea c.1888

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Old 1st Dec 2012, 11:27
  #2103 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh0F...endscreen&NR=1

It won't post in the usual way
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Old 1st Dec 2012, 13:12
  #2104 (permalink)  
TWT
 
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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...
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Old 1st Dec 2012, 13:32
  #2105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
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THE SCOTTISH COW

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland "
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Old 2nd Dec 2012, 09:52
  #2106 (permalink)  
 
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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Belfast

were listening to the radio during breakfast

They heard the announcer Say,


"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.


You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,


so the Snowploughs can get through."


So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.


You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.


You must park........." Then the electric power went out.


The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,


" I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men

who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,





"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time.

Last edited by goudie; 2nd Dec 2012 at 09:54.
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 13:35
  #2107 (permalink)  
 
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I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Kirkwall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with HGVs, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The council then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly determined the cause: apparently when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "HGVs".
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 13:58
  #2108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
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A friend got a phone call from a non-native speaker asking her to help his son with a report about "Western Church". The native speaker was impressed - just imagine what they do at school nowadays! - and when the poor guy arrived, it appeared the report was on Winston Churchill actually.
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 18:55
  #2109 (permalink)  
 
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 20:09
  #2110 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
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Lon More,

Sorry, but St Nik is shopped in...but Google Earth gives new meaning to street view.. enjoy!

Google Earth streetview : Aarschotstraat, 1030 schaarbeek, Brussel, Belgium
(start at corner of Hoogvorststraat)
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 21:29
  #2111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Land of Beer and Chocolate
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‎Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at that moment.





We look forward to the arrival of baby Muhammed......
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 22:45
  #2112 (permalink)  
 
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You've all heard of the camel toe? Meet the Tyrannosaurus toe.


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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 23:11
  #2113 (permalink)  
 
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If that doesn't put you off oral sex nothing will...
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 23:17
  #2114 (permalink)  
 
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Sorry but your post needs modifying

"If that doesn't put you off sex nothing will..."
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 23:24
  #2115 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Detroit MI
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Oh my... Such high standards...
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Old 3rd Dec 2012, 23:42
  #2116 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
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just wait until she turns 16...
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Old 4th Dec 2012, 00:33
  #2117 (permalink)  

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just wait until she turns 16...
Now that's funny and I don't care who you are.
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Old 4th Dec 2012, 00:47
  #2118 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia - South of where I'd like to be !
Age: 55
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"Oh my... Such high standards... "


AA

Sorry to have offended you.
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Old 4th Dec 2012, 00:57
  #2119 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
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I think that it's this South African Air Force Colonel in civvies - check the slippers!

Pink slippers land colonel in hot water | News24
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Old 4th Dec 2012, 01:19
  #2120 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
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Puts me in mind of when our RSM's wife had a baby girl. The Chaplain painted the parade ground cannons pink. When the RSM tried to find out who'd done it, he was told it was the work of God.
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