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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 18th Nov 2012, 16:08
  #2001 (permalink)  
t7a
 
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Sharpen up Arthurr!
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 16:29
  #2002 (permalink)  
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I have an idea it's been on JB, but not bad, so risk putting it again.



This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 17:40
  #2003 (permalink)  
 
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AN ENGINEER IN HELL An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 18:04
  #2004 (permalink)  
 
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Loose rivets reminded me of a story, one which I told at my boss's retirement party.

A long time ago I was in the loo at the office and my boss Roger is in the next stall.

"Damnit" I hear. Then, "Matty" he says, "do ya have any extra toilet paper over there?"

I look around and reply, "Sorry Roger, there's just a little bit here and I'll be needing it."

A minute goes by and I hear "Is there a newspaper or a magazine lying about?"

I look again and reply "Sorry Roger, don't see anything."

After another minute he says "Do ya have change for a fiver?"
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 18:33
  #2005 (permalink)  
 
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Don't paint all of Adelaide with the same brush!

I'm sure that I'm not a racist, cause I'm a wog!

The OP demonstrated IRONY, much as the Police Officer in the joke being ordered to murder 18 people plus a Rabbi. In fact THAT joke reminded me of the offensive joke in the first place as they are very similar.

Poor taste, perhaps, but under your Lobby test many of the jokes on this forum could be considered Racist or sexist or offensive.

Politically correct humor is a tautology.

There's always someone waiting to be offended.

This is akin to Tailhook and the USN.
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 18:47
  #2006 (permalink)  
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OFSO, I will have it down to a "T" next time.



that will teach me to speed read
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 18:54
  #2007 (permalink)  
 
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The OP demonstrated IRONY, much as the Police Officer in the joke being ordered to murder 18 people plus a Rabbi. In fact THAT joke reminded me of the offensive joke in the first place as they are very similar.
gileraguy: whatever you are smoking, stop right now. And stop posting while under the influence.

Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. Get it????
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 19:04
  #2008 (permalink)  
 
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Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.
Mmmmmm... Stew..
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 20:14
  #2009 (permalink)  
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ArthurR - Location: Germany

Kanninchen doesn't quite fit, does it. So just for you.....

Klaus-Peter aus Bayern is making his first trip to London and worried about it as he doesn't speak English. So down at the Gasthaus he asks what he should do. "Speak slowly and clearly" said the landlord, "the British aren't that stupid, they'll understand what you want."

K-P ends up in a bar in London and feeling thirsty says slowly "Ein--Bier----bitte".

Lo and behold, he gets served a pint. Drinks it, aceptable, says slowly and carefully "Noch--eine--bier--bitte". Gets another.

Chap comes in, sits next to him, says very slowly "Ein--bier--bitte". Gets a beer.

K-P hears his accent, looks at him and says "Bis---du---auch---aus---Bayern ?"

"Tscha", says the other "i---bin---aus---München".

"Na und" says K-P "also--warum--schwetzen--wir--beide--in--Englisch ?"
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Old 18th Nov 2012, 20:18
  #2010 (permalink)  
 
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 14:10
  #2011 (permalink)  
 
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This is akin to Tailhook and the USN.
In what way, pray tell? I have met one or two rabbis in the US Navy, both were chaplains, and I learned that rabbits entered the USN about the same time women were assigned on board ships and rabbits began to die in whole flocks about the time Operation Desert Storm went down.

Is that what you meant?
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 14:38
  #2012 (permalink)  
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OFSO,not a joke, a true story, but nearly the same. Whilst I was working in Dresden, on the GAF A310 flight test, I had a phone call from one of our engineers about some test procedures, The call was from a German, but he speaks good English, I was not sure of the complete procedure, but then in walked Tom, German from Bremen EADS, so I handed the phone over to him and told him what was wanted, I then heard 2 Germans speaking English to each other, whilst both where in Germany, after the call Tom asked "why where you laughing", I replied "why were you speaking English to another German"
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 16:03
  #2013 (permalink)  
 
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A tough old cowboy from South Texas couselled his grand daughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The grand daughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Old 19th Nov 2012, 18:20
  #2014 (permalink)  
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PARAPROSDOKIANS

----

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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Old 19th Nov 2012, 19:04
  #2015 (permalink)  
 
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(ok, some are old, but still funny!)

another 'oldish' one:



Liu Xianping: Chinese grandfather who posed in teenage girls' outfits sees photos go global | Mail Online


Liu's legs are reportedly the envy of women all over China - even the world. 'He has such a good figure,'
reported one fan as saying. 'He has such a good figure, especially those legs!' and another likening the elderly gent to Karl Lagerfeld.
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 00:32
  #2016 (permalink)  
 
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Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in: "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but first you will need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 02:10
  #2017 (permalink)  
 
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What do orphans get for christmas?


Lonely
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 03:18
  #2018 (permalink)  
 
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If married guys and guys with girlfriends celebrate Valentines day, what do single guys celebrate?



Palm Sunday.
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 11:56
  #2019 (permalink)  
 
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A chap dies and his grieving missus goes to see him in the funeral parlour.

He looks OK, but she decides that she doesn't like the colour of the suit he's wearing.

She asks the undertaker if he can do anything about it.

"I don't like him in that brown suit", she says. "Have you got a blue one?"

"Well it's strange you should ask that," he says. "The gentleman in the next room is wearing a blue suit and I was asked not five minutes ago if I could change it for a brown one. Give me five minutes and I'll sort it out".

A little later she calls back to the funeral parlour, and there is her husband, laid out in a blue suit.

""That's lovely", she says. "I'm so sorry to have caused you such a lot of trouble".

"Oh it was no trouble", says the undertaker.

"I just changed the heads."
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 17:34
  #2020 (permalink)  

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One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious
years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been
shot dead!


Harry was devastated, but after about five minutes of mourning
He decided that he must find himself another mate, but since there weren't any
lady eagles available

He'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back
to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is......

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew
off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex
was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out went the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

(scroll down)


NO, The duck didn't say THAT

.... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

I'm a Drake..
and you've made a mistake!
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