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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Aug 2009, 21:36
  #1 (permalink)  
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Friday Jokes

OK, I prefer one thread per Friday Joke thread. Why? I have no idea.

So here it goes to Kick Off Friday...

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
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Old 13th Aug 2009, 23:11
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An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave theImmigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fcuking frenchmen to show it to."
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Old 14th Aug 2009, 12:20
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HEART-WARMING GOLF STORY!This heart-warming story should put an end to the canard that golfers are not good husbands.A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack."Help me dear" she groans to her husband.He quickly calls 911 on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke..His wife picks up her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?""Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.""Well, how long will it take to get here?" she asks him feebly."No time at all," says her husband, "Everybody has agreed to let him play through."




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Old 14th Aug 2009, 20:58
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StandupfortheUlstermen
 
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More golf......

A woman has a golf lesson then sets off on a round, 10 minutes later she comes running into the club house screaming. The golf pro asks 'what's wrong Mrs Jones?'
'I've been stung by a bee.'
'Where?'
'Between the first and second holes.'
'Well I did tell you your stance is too wide!'
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Old 14th Aug 2009, 22:35
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Chasing Dreams
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A recent survey has been published, it asked men about their shower habits. It states that 40% of men play with themselves in the shower, the other 60% sing.
Which song do they sing?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I thought you wouldn't know. (Best if said out loud and the person being asked just says "I don't know", then the better response is "I thought you wouldn't.")

=====================
A man goes to the doctor, complaining of frequent migraines over the last couple of years. After the doc has thoroughly examined him he explains that he has good and bad news.
"What's the good news?" asks the man,
"Well, the good news is that I have determined the cause of your migraines. It seems that your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine which subsequentally is causing your migraines."
"So, what's the bad news?"
"The only cure is castration."
"WHAT!?! nah, I can't lose the boys doc!"
"Unfortunately that's the choice, continued migraine or castration."
The man thinks about it a bit then decides that the lesser of two evils has to win. He agrees to the castration.
The surgery is put through as an emergency and the next day he is walking down the street rockless. Feeling down that he has lost his "manliness" decides that he needs cheering up. He decides to buy himself a new suit.
He walks to a reputable tailor, known for his talent in the business, walks in and says, "Hi, I'd like a new suit please."
The tailor looks up, "Will that be a 34R sir?"
"Nope, nearly right, I'm a 32, have been since i was 18."
"Impossible sir, that size would cause your trousers to push your testicles against the base of your spine, causes terrible headaches."
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Old 14th Aug 2009, 22:36
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More than just an ATCO
 
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A Jewish woman says to her mother, “I'm divorcing Sheldon!”

“All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

Mother says, “You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in a mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents...?!”
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 01:23
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Sheeeee!

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked her why and she told me "Because I am trying to examine you."
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 08:34
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Two flies settle in the kitchen, how do you tell which is male and which is female?

One is on the beer can, the other is on the 'phone.
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 14:49
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My local college have recently started evening classes; I was going to do the course on "How to Overcome Apathy" but couldn't be bothered in the end.
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 15:10
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The businessman and his secretary work late. As her reward he takes her out to dinner, after which she invites him back to her flat.

Much later, as he is dressing, she asks: "What if your wife finds out?"

"She won't. I have a stick of chalk in the car," says the man.

"A stick of chalk?" she asks.

When at last he gets home, his wife screams: "So what's the story?"

"Joyce and I worked late. Then I took her out to dinner.

"Then we went back to her place. Then we made love," he says.

"Liar!" she shouts.

"Don't try to fool me. I know where you've been. You've been playing snooker. The stick of chalk is still behind your ear."

____________________________________________________________ _


A woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who approaches her immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he does, she gently caresses his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me," she says. "I need to speak to him."

"I'm afraid I can't. Is there anything I can do?" he asks.

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

____________________________________________________________ _

His request to take pictures of a mountainside fire approved, the ABC News photographer quickly uses a cellphone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He is told a twin-engine plane will be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spots a plane warming up outside a hangar.

He jumps in with his bag, slams the door shut, and shouts: "Let's go."

The pilot taxies out, swings the plane into the wind and takes off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructs the pilot: "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fire on the hillsides."

"Why?" asks the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for ABC Cable News," he responds, "and I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot is strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammers: "So, what you're telling me is... you are not my flight instructor?"

____________________________________________________________ _
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 16:33
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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Oh no, definitely not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific
athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the
pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.


Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me
I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in
the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could
ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*cking
widow."
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Old 15th Aug 2009, 20:15
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A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack
Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you?? Yeah, I know you are........)
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 08:49
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“Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,” the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.”
Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,”Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!”
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Old 16th Aug 2009, 13:35
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You could have heard a pin drop!

I am not American or anti French but I found this rather amusing.

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building'. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop!


There was an International Engineers Conference in France . Following a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room asking no one in particular, 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt the Americans have done? They have sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What do they intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly, 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop!

A US Navy Admiral was attending an international naval conference. At a cocktail reception following the conference everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. Then he asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop!

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris one day by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop!
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 01:36
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Now that takes the proverbial biscuit Part of the joke on the preceding post is actually on the same bloody page of this thread You don't even need the flaming search button for that
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 02:25
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Do you reckon they are jokes sisemen ? I thought they had just been posted on the wrong thread.
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 09:13
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Well, now that the trend has been well and truly set how about this one....

“Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,” the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.”
Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,”Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!”

Beat that
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 09:20
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Sisemen: ArthurR did, four posts before you. . . .
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 10:11
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BLACK PANTIES

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." the following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit... except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
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Old 17th Aug 2009, 10:21
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Silly Headlines (proof reading would have helped!)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


Miners Refuse to Work after Death


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant


War Dims Hope for Peace


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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