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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 15th Dec 2010, 06:22
  #1821 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
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It's the same as the QANTAS/USAF/RAF/RAAF/PIA/Alitalia etc technician snag sheet quotes only the words are rearranged a bit.
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 06:53
  #1822 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Just for Onetrack, Santa & the FAA Inspector
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 07:46
  #1823 (permalink)  
 
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Santa and the FAA Inspector

Can anyone post the cartoon version?
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 08:00
  #1824 (permalink)  
 
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Oh... that's only the short version. I thought I was going to be treated to the full-length, horribly-drawn-out, painful version...
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 08:14
  #1825 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
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A prince crossed an evil witch, and had a curse put on him, when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year.

But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year, and so on.

One day he met a Princess named Josie, and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her, he wanted to say "My Princess, I love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My Princess, I love you! - will you marry me?"

However, the young prince, now growing older, knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the Princess.

He approached her respectfully, and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS! - I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said... "Pardon?"
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 09:37
  #1826 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: any where that will have me.
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Suicide Bombers In Uk To Go On Strike‏.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is a kick in the teeth." Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 13:20
  #1827 (permalink)  

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Coffindodger you cruel, cruel person!!! I'm certain that has she recently been introduced to the pleasures of sex she now bangs like the proverbial door.



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Old 15th Dec 2010, 15:06
  #1828 (permalink)  

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Some one has managed to find an old on line dating for singles application that Julian Assange filled out a few years ago. The person that found the application has placed it online for all to see.

When informed of this, Julian Assange stated;

"Hey, some things are supposed to be kept private you know!"

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Old 15th Dec 2010, 16:08
  #1829 (permalink)  
 
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Just bought one of those Johovahs Witness advent calendars

Every time I open one of the windows someone shouts F**k Off!
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Old 15th Dec 2010, 18:14
  #1830 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Solihull, UK
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I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love I thought to myself, "These taser guns sure are well worth the money."
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 02:01
  #1831 (permalink)  
 
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OK, 10pm Thursday here...

Guess this proves there are no insomniac PPRuNe jokers in UK...

Going to be a long Friday.
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 02:20
  #1832 (permalink)  
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A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any bread?"

The barman shakes his head - "no, sorry" and the duck leaves.


An hour later, the Duck returns: "got any bread?"

The barman looks down - "No, I told you before I don't have any bread!" so the duck leaves.


Another hour passes and the Duck returns: "Got any bread?"

The barman is quite pissed off by now and shouts down at the Duck "I f**king told you - NO BREAD! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the bar here".

The Duck looks at the barman and asks "Got any nails?"

"No" the barman signs, "I don't have any nails".

The Duck grins: "Got any bread?"


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Old 17th Dec 2010, 03:08
  #1833 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
Bloke walks into a pub with an emu and a cat.

All three drink away but when its the cat's turn to shout
he walks away. The bloke pulls out some quid and three
beers are placed on the bar, and then the cat immediately
returns and starts downing his pint. This went on for a few
hours.

Barman asks the bloke why the cat refuses to pay.

"Long story" says the bloke. "Found a lamp, rubbed it,
and a genie appeared who granted me one wish. So I
asked for a long legged bird with a real tight pussy..."
.
.
A gay guy walks into a truckies pub and notices a brawl
going on in the corner. After ordering a daquiri he asks
the barman in a high-pitched voice what's all the ruckus
going on over there.

Barman replies the truckies are beating up a homosexual.

In a really low loud voice the gay guy says "OH REALLY? I
MIGHT HAVE A GO AT THAT FCUKEN POOFTER MYSELF!"
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 04:15
  #1834 (permalink)  
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Hasn't anyone got the c1980 Christmas card to airlines sent from the CAA? Real Giles quality picture.
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 05:09
  #1835 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
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How did Yodelling begin?

Ever wondered how yodelling originated?

Many, many years ago, a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

The farmer's daughter spotted the man, and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

The farmer replied, "That's a fellow traveling through, and he needs a place to stay for the night ... so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter thought, "He looks like a nice man, and he's probably hungry."

So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled, her top buttoned incorrectly, and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer, that perhaps the man might need a drink as well. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn.

She too, did not return for an hour. When she did, her clothing was askew, and her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up, and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke shortly after, and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears.

"How could he leave, without even saying goodbye??" she cried. "We made such passionate love last night, and he told me he loved me!!"

"What?!", shouted the father. He ran out of the house angrily looking for the man... who by now, was halfway up the nearby mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "You mongrel! You screwed my daughter and left her, without as much as a goodbye!'

The traveller looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled out.......




"ILAIDYOUROLADEETOO!!"
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 08:22
  #1836 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 139
A farmer and his wife are fast asleep in bed at 3am when there is a loud banging at the front door.
The farmer gets up to open the door and is greeted by a dishevelled bloke that says; “ I’m really sorry to disturb you on this cold dark night but would you be so kind as to help me and give me a push ?
The farmer swears at him and slams the door in his face.
Back in bed the farmer’s wife asks; “who was at the door ?”. “Oh it was some guy wanting a push – I told him to get lost “was his reply. “ You did what ? “ screams the wife, “ get out there and help him right now you selfish swine or else you’ll be sleeping in the spare room for a month
Grudgingly, the farmer goes downstairs and opens the front door into the pitch black night where there is no sign of the man. “ hello - are you out there ? – do you still need a push ?” shouts the farmer into the blackness.
“That would be brilliant” says the man, “I’m over here . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the swing
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 09:01
  #1837 (permalink)  
 
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A blonde heard a rumour that her hubby was having an affair. SHe went home at lunchtime and sneaked in the house and sure enough, there he was, banging away at the next door neighbours wife.

The blonde ran into the room screaming and grabbed a gun from the drawer. She screamed at he hubby and neighbour,"This is what's going to happen!" and held the gun to her head.

Her hubby shouted at her,"Don't do it babe! I love you!"

She screams back at him, "Don't move you bastard - you're next!"
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 10:50
  #1838 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 98
Hitler walks into a bar and says to the barman;

“Einen halben Liter größer bitte, sorry, a pint of lager please”

Barman replies “Certainly sir” and as he starts to pour he says “do you know sir that you bear an uncanny resemblance to Adolf Hitler”

“Ja, ich bin Hitler”

“No sir, Adolf Hitler died in his bunker in 1945 along with his wife, Eva Braun”

“Nein” says Hitler, “I escaped from ze bunker and vas frozen, now I’m revived”

“Dear God almighty” says the barman “you really are Adolf Hitler, boy are you in trouble”

“Warum ist das so?”

“What do you mean, why? You started the Second World War, you killed six million Jews”

“So” says Hitler “nobody cares about ze Jews, now I’m back I’m going to start the Third World War and kill twenty million Jews and six clowns”

“Why six clowns?” asks the barman.

“You see” says Hitler “I told you nobody cares about ze Jews”
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 14:09
  #1839 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
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Giles cartoon

Loose Rivets, did you try searching here?

Giles Cartoons - a Celebration
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Old 17th Dec 2010, 15:14
  #1840 (permalink)  

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Location: USA and a Brit
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I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took the wife into 8 different pubs without getting a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.


Ozzy
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