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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Sep 2010, 07:37
  #1421 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Monkeys ride bikes, ever seen one fix a puncture??
Posts: 356
Catch the TV this weekend new Chilean reality show on Channel 4, 33 contestants, 4 months, 1 Mine… Dig Brother!!
Flyt3est is offline  
Old 3rd Sep 2010, 08:05
  #1422 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,141
Teachers & police officers

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Rwy in Sight is offline  
Old 3rd Sep 2010, 08:29
  #1423 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: transient
Age: 72
Posts: 17
bill

.......and then you get the bill

as in ? ''Another notable characteristic is the elongated bill, resembling that of the swordfish and other marlins. They are therefore described as billfish in sport fishing circles.''

Hooked | Flying Monsters | Photos | Image: White sturgeon fishing on the Fraser River - National Geographic Channel

Schultz Family vs black Marlin
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Old 3rd Sep 2010, 08:32
  #1424 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Not Aviation House
Posts: 428
..........


What's got eight legs, and only one eye?



Two chairs and half-a pigs head.



Get it? Get it everyone?

Fire and brimstone is offline  
Old 3rd Sep 2010, 09:04
  #1425 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: (LFA 7a)
Age: 60
Posts: 731
I see that F&B has forgotten to take his pink pills again!!!
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Old 3rd Sep 2010, 09:10
  #1426 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 68
Posts: 195
Jim, I think they ran out of dried frog down at the apothecary . . .
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Old 3rd Sep 2010, 09:38
  #1427 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 76
Posts: 723
What's got 60 legs and no pubic hair ?

The front row at a Miley Cyrus concert !
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Old 3rd Sep 2010, 10:34
  #1428 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Not Aviation House
Posts: 428
...... lot's more material have I.

Here's another:

What is green, got eight legs, and if it falls out of a tree on you will kill you?

Eh?

A billiards table!

Whey-hey!



Don't worry - I don't go to work for another four hours ......
Fire and brimstone is offline  
Old 3rd Sep 2010, 10:42
  #1429 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Not Aviation House
Posts: 428
..... has everyone heard the one about the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, and the constipated goat?

Hang, on, let me think about this one - if I don't tell it right, it does'nt come over as particularly funny ........
Fire and brimstone is offline  
Old 4th Sep 2010, 05:50
  #1430 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
Posts: 36
Q) What have you got if you have a Lawyer up to his neck in sand ?
A) A shortage of sand.

Q) What have you got if you have 3 Lawyers at the bottom of your swimming pool ?
A) A good start.
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Old 4th Sep 2010, 07:24
  #1431 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Pewsey, UK
Posts: 1,921
In bed last night, I told my wife I wanted her to give me a "Chilean Miner".

"What's that ?", asked she.

"Get to the bottom of my shaft and stay there till Christmas."
The Nr Fairy is offline  
Old 4th Sep 2010, 07:46
  #1432 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Closer than you think
Posts: 90
Are they digging the other shaft to get the miners up, or Santa Claus down?
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Old 4th Sep 2010, 07:47
  #1433 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Thailand
Posts: 942
This is a visual joke. Just pop it into a new tab.... not new but still funny..

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-...4_850024_n.jpg
rubik101 is offline  
Old 4th Sep 2010, 16:39
  #1434 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
One day there was a big lady swimming in the surf and
just as she got close to the beach a big breaker tumbled
her. When she stood up to wade ashore, she noticed that
she had lost her top. She thought that no one would
notice if she covered herself with her arms and ran over
to her towel.

So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she
approached her towel. Just then a little boy came
running up to her and said, "Hey, lady!"
"What?" asked the startled lady.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the
one one with the cute little brown nose?"
Lon More is offline  
Old 4th Sep 2010, 19:27
  #1435 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 618
Blue Collar Comedy

Larry the Cable Guy was saying the other day "I had a horse named Daisy who broke her leg so I shot her. Now she's got a broken lag and a gunshot wound."
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Old 7th Sep 2010, 09:16
  #1436 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Sunny Sussex
Posts: 778
Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her fanny, she's going to sell her story.
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Old 8th Sep 2010, 07:13
  #1437 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: In transit
Age: 67
Posts: 3,058
What is the best university in the world?

The Aerolineas Argentinas flight from Buenos to Madrid. The guys get on in BUE at night and they are waiters, dishwashers, cleaners, mechanics, hospital porters, and when they get off the next morning in Madrid they are brain surgeons, university professors, engineers, owners of business empires, and so on.

(You have to understand the Argentinean mentality as seen by the rest of the Spainsh speaking world to appreciate this!)
Capetonian is offline  
Old 8th Sep 2010, 12:30
  #1438 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 73
Posts: 1,259
Larry the Cable Guy was saying the other day "I had a horse named Daisy who broke her leg so I shot her. Now she's got a broken lag and a gunshot wound."
That guy sends me.
"Ah bought mah girl friend some a them edible undershorts. On the way over to her house Ah got hongry, so Ah ate a couple pair. Them strawberry ones taste great."
pigboat is offline  
Old 9th Sep 2010, 04:25
  #1439 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: near pond
Posts: 21
Restroom Policy

To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 1, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.

Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards. Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor. They have all received advance instruction.

Thank you and have a nice day,

The Boss

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Old 9th Sep 2010, 04:47
  #1440 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 538
The burglar had made near silent entry and was just pulling the leads out of the stero when he heard a little voice.
"Jesus is watching you".
"Am I hearing things"? he thought, and carried on.
Again, the little voice was heard.
"Jesus is watching you".
He turned his torch to the sound. There on a perch was a Parrot.
"Was that you"? he enquired.
"Yes" said the Parrot.
"So you're Jesus"?
"No, my name is Moses".
What kind of people name a Parrot Moses"? asked the burglar.
"The kind of people who name their Rottweiller Jesus" answered the parrot.
RedhillPhil is online now  

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