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Friday Joke

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Friday Joke

Old 15th Apr 2005, 01:29
  #1 (permalink)  
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Friday Joke

New Job At The Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
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Old 15th Apr 2005, 04:14
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The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer, which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 2 pi sq. root of l over g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in milliners into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The arbiter re-graded the student with an ‘A.’
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Old 15th Apr 2005, 09:26
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The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen

I don't know about the Copenhagen link...I thought it originated elsewhere.

But a version of it certainly turned up on my university entrance exam, with this story obviously in mind.

It's retold in a fantastic book called 'A Random Walk in Science' which I'd thoroughly recommend.

The crucial part of the story, as I recall it, is missing from Airhead's version above. The whole point was that the student involved DID know the 'accepted' answer. But he told the examiner that he didn't like to be instructed how to think.
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Old 15th Apr 2005, 09:34
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Interesting background here from Snopes - hey! I beat Rainboe to it
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Old 15th Apr 2005, 09:53
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Think the student was Niels Bohr in the version I heard.
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Old 15th Apr 2005, 10:44
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1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police. 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a light bulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uthver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.
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Old 16th Apr 2005, 11:47
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

cyclicmicky is offline  
Old 19th Apr 2005, 10:49
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Funny isn't it? When all the posts associated with the "handbags at dawn" session are deleted, it only leaves 7!

Looks like"The Friday Joke" thread is now winning!
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Old 19th Apr 2005, 11:44
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Yeah, but not as entertaining
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Old 19th Apr 2005, 14:30
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This is not really a joke but more of an urban legend:

4 varsity mates live together in a digs. Its Friday and they have a huge exam on the Monday morning at 9am but instead of studying they go out partying all weekend. Sunday night comes and they resolve themselves to start studying but end up watching videos instead.

Monday morning they have not done an iota of studying. They confer and decide on an excuse for the professor acting as invigilator.
They burst into the exam room and tell the professor that they have had a flat tyre and didn't have a spare etc etc and apologise profusely.
He says no problem they should all come back at the same time the following day and he will set a separate exam for them.

Relieved, they all go back home and study throughout the night.

The next day on arrival at university they are put in 4 separate rooms and given a question sheet with one question:

Which Tyre?
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Old 19th Apr 2005, 14:33
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The one in the trunk/boot (depending upon which continent you're on)
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Old 19th Apr 2005, 14:49
  #12 (permalink)  
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
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A student arrived late to a statistics class and found two problems written on the chalkboard. Assuming they're homework problems, he jotted them down in his notebook, worked on them over the next few days and turned in his, correct, solutions to the instructor.

The two problems were not, however, a homework assignment; they were examples of "unsolvable" problems which the instructor had used as examples in his lecture....

And it is true.... Snopes
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