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Old 29th Jul 2001, 02:10
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2001
Location: NZ
Posts: 1
Post Humour

Hi peoples
now I know you might be expecting a deep and meaningful post from me but my "stray" recieved an email I thought I'd share... seems everywhere I go aviation follows me I'm not an addict life just conspires. Any way enjoy

Subject: ATC and Aircrew Humor

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;
turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell
the difference between C's and D's but get it right." Continuing her
lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.
You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that,
US Air 2771??" The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of
the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a
beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.


Unknown Aircraft: "I'm bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown Aircraft: " said I was bored, not stupid!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7;
did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."


O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that
Fokker in sight."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never
to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing.
I didn't stop."


I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any
longer) Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why, must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost
the bloody war!"
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