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Bonnie Scotland?

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Bonnie Scotland?

Old 7th Dec 2001, 14:59
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Smile Bonnie Scotland?

DIARY OF THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS.

August 12th

Moved to our new home in the highlands. I 'm so excited. It's beautiful here. The hills look so majestic can, hardly wait to see the snow. The garden's beautiful and there's loads of bunnies hopping around. Isn't nature wonderful?

October 14th

The Scottish Highlands. It's the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have all turned hues of orange and red. Went for a drive in the beautiful valleys and saw some deer, they are such graceful beasts. They come down
low at this time of the year but are at risk from those cruel poachers. Can't imagine why anyone would want to kill them. They are certainly the most wonderful creatures on earth.

November 30th St Andrews Day

Got tickets for the ceilidh. Really getting into the place now. Can't wait for the snow. I love it here!

December 19th

Yes it's started snowing. The first real snow I've seen here. I took out some buttered scones and sat by the window watching the snowflakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground, and the wee rabbits
were skipping around and trying to dodge the flakes. It was so beautiful.

December 20th

Awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Looked like a Christmas card. Every tree and shrub covered with a white mantle. We went outside and had a snowball fight and
then energetically shovelled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both the driveway and pavement. Later the council's snowplough accidentally covered the driveway with compact snow from the street, but the driver
smiled and waved so I waved back and shovelled again. What a beautiful place. I love it.

December 21st

It snowed an additional 4 inches last night, the temperature dropped to minus 10. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow, and the rabbits are having to dig for their food. I shovelled the
driveway again, Shortly afterwards the snow plough man came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is brownish grey. Blisters appearing on my hands due to the shovelling.

December 22nd

Warmed up during the day to create some slush and saw patches of grass, to reveal that the [email protected] rabbits have eaten all my bulbs. Slush soon turned to ice as the temperature dropped again. I bought some snow tyres for the
car. Fell on my arse on the frozen rabbit $hit in the driveway, 75 for the chiropractor, but nothing broken. #ucking vermin!!
More snow and ice forecast.

December 23rd

Bitterly cold. Sold the car and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. Slid into some Armco crash barrier and inflicted some considerable damage to the right rear quarter of the 4x4. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads. Had another 5 inches of the white $hit last night. 4x4 covered in snow and slush, more shovelling in store for me today. That bloody snowplough came by twice today, BASTARD.

December 24th

Minus 15 degrees outside today. More #ucking snow, not a tree, shrub or bulb on the property that hasn't been damaged or eaten. Power was off most of the night, tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin
heater, which I tripped over and nearly burnt the bloody house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes.

December 25th

Merry #ucking Christmas. That white $hit still keeps coming #ucking down! Have to put on all the clothes I have just to get to the post-box. If I ever get to that son of a bitch that drives that snowplough, I'll chew his
chest and rip his #ucking heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling, then comes down the road about 100 miles an hour and buries our driveway again. Power still off, the toilet has frozen
over now, and part of the roof has started to cave in due to the weight of the snow. Weatherman has predicted another 6 inches of snow tonight. Do you know how many shovel fulls 6 inches is? #ucking weatherman was wrong; not 6 inches but 12 inches of the #ucking stuff fell last night. The snowplough got stuck up the road and the driver asked to borrow my shovel!! I wounded the arsehole with my ice pick, but the bastard got away. I can't move or feel my toes and there is more snow predicted. Wind chill factor of 32 #ucking degrees below.



December 30th

Finally got out of the house today, drove to the shops to get some supplies and on the way back, a dammed deer ran out in front of the 4X4, did about 3000 of damage. Those #ucking beasts should all be shot, the bastards
are everywhere. Wish the poachers had exterminated the lot in the autumn.


December 31st

Took the 4X4 to the garage, It'll be weeks before I get it back as they're closed for Hogmanay. Would you believe it, the bloody thing is rusted underneath from all that #ucking salt they put all over the roads.


SEE YOU SOON I'M COMING HOME.

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: Unwell_Raptor ]
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 16:09
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Mr Sick-Pidgeon,

The weather is only so harsh to keep the sassanchs OOOOOt.

Margaret thatcher says:

All poofy southerners ? UP against the wall !
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 17:27
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LT - don't do it!
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 17:30
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Unwell Rapture,
Ain't bonny Scotland grand!!!!!!!
And that was just a mild winter, wait until a real winter arrives!!!

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: ATCbabe ]
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 17:46
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Cool

Snow?

What's that?
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 18:00
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Don't worry, Lima. You will not see much snow at Prestwick. You are just across the Clyde from Arran and Bute, where they have year-round palm trees. For the snow, best try Kent or Nottinghamshire.
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 19:34
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REAL men wear kilts in the middle of winter.

No wonder the Sassenachs were terrified of us Scots!
 
Old 7th Dec 2001, 20:03
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I've travelled most of Scotland particularly the highlands & it is breathtaking how beautiful it is, the mountains seem to go on forever. Prestwick is as flat as a pancake however, good for planespotters though

Watch out for the midges in the highlands , I hear there right little pests!

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Old 7th Dec 2001, 20:20
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Pests? They're the size of sodding golf balls.

Having had a couple of midge strikes, I reckon a golf ball would be less painful.
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 20:37
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And while we’re at it, what’s the deal with football up there?

You’re up in the Highlands for the weekend, you settle down with a bottle of red at 10:30 on Saturday night trying to see West Ham’s latest relegation battle, and what do you get? Sportscene Scotland, with some bloke introducing ‘highlights’ of Stenousemuir v Cowdenbeath. Honestly.

Is it just a big conspiracy to keep tourists away?

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: G SXTY ]
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 21:09
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G SXTY

Reminds me of a cartoon I once saw entitled 'Another boring Saturday on Hadrian's Wall'. Showed a bored Roman centurion listening to a kilt clad Scotsman reading out the Scottish football results.
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 22:20
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I spent a Winter in Scotland some years ago: every day between October and March someting cold and/or wet fell from the sky. What truly perplexed me was that it appeared to be falling sideways. Perpendicular is not a word familiar to the inhabitants of the West Coast.
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Old 7th Dec 2001, 22:43
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fish

So that's why they stopped at Hadrian's Wall. Not daft, those Romans.
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 02:43
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G SXTY

The Romans did not stop at Hadrian's Wall but spent years in Scotland and built the Antonine Wall which runs fromn Bo'ness on the Firth of Forth to Old Kilpatrick on the Forth of Clyde.

They got as far as Stonehaven (near Aberdeen) in AD 83 but had almost completely withdrawn by AD 122 building Hadrian's Wall at this time. They returned from AD 142 to AD 164, building the Antonine Wall from AD 142 to AD 144, but could not cope with the marauding Caledonians. They had another go from AD 197 to AD 208 but then gave up for good.

The dates are approximate as I was not there, even if my wife thinks I am ancient.

Just goes to show that I did listen in History at School!

By the way Newcastle Airport is North of Hadrian's Wall.

Hugo

By the way does anyone remember "Ecce Romani".

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: Hugo Z Hackenbush ]
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 02:59
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Among my many weird habits, one of the less-weird ones is collecting different-language versions of "Asterix in Britain". (I also collect different version of the game Monopoly.) Readers of Asterix will be well-familiar with the phrase "They're crazy, these Romans". One of my favourite versions is the one in Italian, where the above phrase translates as "Soni pazzi, Questi Romani" - the initials being SPQR...
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 03:30
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Those Romans were no fools,should those walls have been allowed to fall into such a sad state of disrepair?,one asks oneself.
Ayeeee!!! The Tartan War Machine.

[ 07 December 2001: Message edited by: tony draper ]
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 03:54
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The sex life of the Scottish male ...

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

PREPARATION

Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish
aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he says himself, "Ma nookie!"

His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, "Any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first
somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awaity f*ck ya bam."

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, here we go." Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless bastard," or possibly, "It ne'er happens tae ra Milkman."

FELLATIO

Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to put yer teeth roon this?"
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go'on yersel," she says, "jist dinnae disturb me."

Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man emerging from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bustard, you could have told me it was your bad week."

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F*ck me, I've shot ma load."

If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Sh*te, arsehole."

The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, "Are you sure it's in?" Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man."

Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his **** on her nightie, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.

There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 12:47
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Hugo,

What a blast from the past - yes, I remember Ecce Romani - still have three of the books and I dug them out to reminisce when you mentioned them. Must be over 25 years since I used them.

On the subject of Scottish weather, I can recall it being -21 degrees in Aberdeen in the winter of 1995/96.
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 13:34
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Hey Check Wheels you remember hearing about snow surely? It's that stuff they have in winter at the ski resorts. Can't be all bad either cos some pay a fair bit to go ski on it.
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Old 8th Dec 2001, 13:55
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Gee Feeton, you will post on anything to get your numbers up....
 

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