F /O: "In NZ/UK/Canada/Stateside I flew all day in 50 kt crosswinds in my Cessna/Piper/Jetstream into crappy mountain/island/godforsaken strips with minimum fuel and desperate pax"....
Then he/she pooches a 10kt crosswind landing on a 12000ft runway. Right. .. Being a complete tosser isn't the sole preserve of the bloke in the left seat |
Finished with the forward lights!
(Oh, thanks for telling me the FORWARD lights, 'cause I might have turned off the NAV lights!) But wait! Don't the NAV lights face forward, too? |
"your first choice of the meals....it's your sector."
upon answering the cabin interphone: "engine room....." "clear the upper EICAS" (as opposed to the lower EICAS?) "would you like to update the Vref by 1-knot? - because I know you can fly 1-knot" "how was your meal?" ....but "thanks for the flight" really takes the nauseating cake. |
"I know the salary is bad but it will get better"
"Do you have the scoop on the latest PC?" "I know that $45000 is terrible, but I'll get my upgrade in a year, tops" "Recruitment told me I'll be a captain in 5 years" "My last PC was good" "I'm requesting regional flights, every month" "I'll start flying regional at least a year before my upgrade" "The company radiation dose numbers say I'm okay flying only polar flights" Ad nauseum |
"Speed window is open at plus 1 knot, so we can clean up the flaps".
"Happy?" |
-"Anything in the NOTAMs?"
-"Happy with flight plan fuel?" -"I don't see any reason to take anymore..." -"Mate of mine flew with RH recently and he said [insert absolutely any rumour]" -"Yeah but Emirates only make money because they don't pay for their fuel" But my favourite moment has to be when another carrier (usually American, with gravelly drawn-out Southern-US aw-shucks Chuck Yeager-like voice) transmits "Carrier 273 heavy, we're outta two point three climbin' five point oh, 3575 comin' down with the flash" and then watching any British CAP413 disciple start to squirm and sweat in their seat, eyebrow twitching involuntarily and teeth exposed in sneer, sometimes accompanied by an almost whispered "bloody ex-colonists!" :} |
This gem from the latest newsletter......
"I talked face to face with the 6 First class pax, about our options and decisions." and after any completely non-related incident involving a landing, " a normal landing was carried out"........ Haha |
After sitting on the bus to go to the hotel for 5 minutes, the cabin crew board and each one says. "thank you for waiting" :confused:
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Since we are part of the Group…..a few from KA.
"Ready for a quick brief….. ?". Ninety seconds later they are still rambling on about nothing via a CTWO+ diatribe. "OK for a normal boarding Captain?". I must ask one day WTF the alternatives are. "Speed noted". Yes Ace you are +2kts with the ATHR on so what are you going to do- will the speed back? "Threats are Home Port Complacency". Oh thank goodness a 200 hour pilot has identified a legitimate threat- but then you ask him about it and realize its a buzz word he heard but doesn't understand. "I'm going to Emirates…." "I'm too busy to volunteer for the union committee". Single and outspoken guy and no kids generally. "GeoffComs". Never in my career have I come across… "These SOPs have stood the test of time…." CX pilot on exchange at KA as the CP and the day after he left a project was put in force to get rid of the CX oral diarrhea out of the SOPs. |
''yeah, but do you really want to live in the desert?''
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"the company must respond by November 27th."
oh, and.... "we'll give you timely updates on negotiations..." |
"I don't mind flying freight."
" Traffic at 2 o'clock ! " (12 miles distance, 4000 feet below ) " Coffee machine is not working. I think this means we are AOG " ... and my all-time favourite : " I never go on PPrune " |
"What's your opinion on the fuel? Not that it is going to influence my decision whatsoever"
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"Why don't you join the GC"
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" same team, same dream "
" It's the little things that makes a difference " " Service straight through the heart! " " Safety is our top priority " |
whats the difference between an airline pilot and God?
God doesn't think he is an airline pilot :O |
No, the phrase is (if you listen closely)... " as safety is our priority..." . Not "Top priority". A strange but deliberate change to a seemingly obvious statement.
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I don't work for CX but these are golden haha
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"Has everyone looked at the flight plan?" - no, we just stood around browsing magazines during our report time. :hmm:
"Ok, they've given us a REC EXTRA of 2000 kg, CONT is 2500, weather is good, blah blah blah, are you happy with flight plan fuel?" - really? I didn't notice that they gave us REC EXTRA and CONT. :hmm: "Fuel is TANK to ENGINE" - as opposed to APU to ENGINE? :hmm: "APU is available", "On the bus" - as opposed to? TRU, inverter? :hmm: .....and of course the never-ending "Dear G" self flagellation letters :ugh: |
Are we clear ?
Captain .."Pin sighted , tug is clear got the wave off , ground crew is clear left"
FO...." Even though there has never been ground crew on my side, it's clear on the right.." c..." Final items " F..."Final items, ground crew ? " C ..." Still clear on the left..." F..." Still clear on the right " C ..."ready taxi clear on the left" F......"clear on the right" |
"Request Flight Level XXX IF AVAILABLE"
Oh yea?? had you not added the last two words does that mean ATC would have given it to you available or not?? W**ker!! Oh and by the way, what does "FULLY READY" mean. When did you last hear someone call "partially Ready"? Ready is ready. Get a grip. |
Are we clear ? Captain .."Pin sighted , tug is clear got the wave off , ground crew is clear left" FO...." Even though there has never been ground crew on my side, it's clear on the right.." c..." Final items " F..."Final items, ground crew ? " C ..." Still clear on the left..." F..." Still clear on the right " C ..."ready taxi clear on the left" F......"clear on the right" |
They don't actually say all that....do they?
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"Ladies and Gentlemen from the flight deck"
Because occasionally we make PAs from the toilet. |
perhaps it is to clarify that it is not a PA from the CC. |
What percentage of the passengers do you think listen to the PA?
I"m sure it's inversely proportional to the number of wheelchairs and special meals. |
grammar beyond criticism!!
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I'm surprised that the moderators hasn't bend over for the CX intimidating team on this subject YET? how come Pprune moderators? Close it! NOW! :=
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Haha, one more please....! This gem from the Airbus...... "Nice flying with you."
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-"I read on the newsletter we're going to start doing it this way..."
-"Any plans when we get to Dubai/Anchorage/LAX/wherever?" -"They finally delivered my car" (when sighting an expensive car on the ramp to be transported on a freighter) -"Is my royal suite ready?" (when checking into the hotel) Oral diarrhoea on the frequency (slight thread drift) -"Air India/Jet/Indigo 123 on hand-over" Obligatory terminology for all Indian carriers on frequency change (if at all possible omitting flight level, and transmitted without listening out first to ensure stepping on someone else) -"Station calling?" Obligatory Indian ATC unit's response to your first transmission, regardless how crystal-clear and ICAO-compliant it may have been -"Descend to Flight Level 230, confirm?" All clearances read-back by Indian carriers must be followed by "confirm?" (omitting callsign whenever possible to ensure maximum confusion) |
"Why are you trying to do things differently than everyone else?"
"Because it's in the FCOM" |
4 bar debrief: "I'm not going to fail you, but I really think you are too young to be a captain in THIS airline..."
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On the way to Seoul many years ago, being shown the brochure for his
new Porsche. He rabbited on for about thirty minutes about the cars power, features beauty etc etc I was not reacting as he expected, so he asked " are you interested in cars at ALL" I replied finally " yes I'm interested in cars, I'm thinking of getting the rust cut out of my volkwagen" I was actually doing his command training from the right seat. He's still a prat, now in training himself. |
Your rusty Volkswagen will seem like a Porsche to the latest crop of 'pilots' that have been joining this airline (the inverted commas are intentional).
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I'm not trying to defend the guy but maybe he'd worked hard, saved his money, was on his first wife and was genuinely excited to be getting a nice Car?
Nothing wrong with that is there? Just as long as he didn't rub it in your face like some I don't see a problem with being happy for a successful colleague.... No, I don't own an expensive Car!! |
The longer I read this thread the more convinced I am that we now employ a rather unattractive group of envious, immature, petty and whiny small children. :bored: ie: ...'he showed me a picture of his car.......oooohhh :eek:'
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Mmmmm. Yes true.:D
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" I was watching your eyes .. "
Not too intensely, I hope! := |
After returning from the toilet, " No change ", isn't this superfluous?
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No changes?
What about the FCOM 3! Never stops.
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