When I'm DFO
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When I'm DFO
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16 An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
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The last time I saw God, She was black, not white.
Andie McDowell played an American; I don't remember her trying on an English accent. Now, Mel Gibson in Braveheart was another matter... Anyway, American women are far better shaped and mannered, no, charactered than those prim, emotionless English ladies. Please don't start with the Lady Di thing.
The World Series was actually called the World's Championship Series back in 1903, before being shortened to World's Series, and then World Series back in '64. It's nothing to do with the size of the geographical competition.
Incidentally, as much as I object to the Americanisation of the UK, baseball can't come quick enough to replace this cricket thingy. Everyone else has got the joke.
Six dollars a gallon? I wish; it's now almost double that!
Apart from that, John, you got the rest about right, except that Gordon "backpeddler" Brown couldn't organise a ding-dong in a distillery. Let's wait till Mr Cameron takes over.
BB
PS My sister was killed with a vegetable peeler...
Andie McDowell played an American; I don't remember her trying on an English accent. Now, Mel Gibson in Braveheart was another matter... Anyway, American women are far better shaped and mannered, no, charactered than those prim, emotionless English ladies. Please don't start with the Lady Di thing.
The World Series was actually called the World's Championship Series back in 1903, before being shortened to World's Series, and then World Series back in '64. It's nothing to do with the size of the geographical competition.
Incidentally, as much as I object to the Americanisation of the UK, baseball can't come quick enough to replace this cricket thingy. Everyone else has got the joke.
Six dollars a gallon? I wish; it's now almost double that!
Apart from that, John, you got the rest about right, except that Gordon "backpeddler" Brown couldn't organise a ding-dong in a distillery. Let's wait till Mr Cameron takes over.
BB
PS My sister was killed with a vegetable peeler...
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Morning BB,
An American pilot the other day told me it was called the "World's Series" because that was the name of the newspaper that sponsored the original event. Don't know if that's true, but it sounded good.
However, just checked on Google and the connection with "The World Newspaper" of New York is complete bull. There you go.
How long before this thread degenerates into an A scale v B scale bashing.
Example:
"Baseball is predominately played by North Americans so heaven knows why they call the "World Series."
"That's right, it is. Actually, I flew with an American just the other day"
"Did you now. There's quite a few Americans in Cathay aren't there? Has he been in the company long."
"Since '91 I believe."
"Really. He'll be an A scaler then. Oh my god. It's because of them that we...............etc etc"
What was this thread about?
An American pilot the other day told me it was called the "World's Series" because that was the name of the newspaper that sponsored the original event. Don't know if that's true, but it sounded good.
However, just checked on Google and the connection with "The World Newspaper" of New York is complete bull. There you go.
How long before this thread degenerates into an A scale v B scale bashing.
Example:
"Baseball is predominately played by North Americans so heaven knows why they call the "World Series."
"That's right, it is. Actually, I flew with an American just the other day"
"Did you now. There's quite a few Americans in Cathay aren't there? Has he been in the company long."
"Since '91 I believe."
"Really. He'll be an A scaler then. Oh my god. It's because of them that we...............etc etc"
What was this thread about?
Join Date: Apr 2005
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Well that does it! I hope all of you "tea white one" drinkers are ready for what is about to come. From now on I will be throwing all tea aboard CX flights to N. America into the nearest harbor (notice the lack of a "u").
If anyone needs me I'll be crawling around on top of the pallets with my musket. For your safety I suggest not wearing anything red.
If anyone needs me I'll be crawling around on top of the pallets with my musket. For your safety I suggest not wearing anything red.
that is the best posture to maintain as a Yank. 
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Your missing the point; it's our differences that make make us better than you.
"The British invented cricket to make every other human endeavor look more interesting." -Bill Bryson
"The British invented cricket to make every other human endeavor look more interesting." -Bill Bryson
