Stupid ATC calls
 

Anyone got any good stories on poeple or ATCO's who have cocked up radio calls!!

"Bankstown Square, ABC,Cessna 152,Solo for the T/A received Foxtrot......"

"All stations Sexnock (Cessnock)......."

ATC:"ABC follow the Party (Partenavia) mid down wind"

ABC:"Ahhh I always love a party" :D

and endless open mike TX's!!! :eek: :p

Towing aircraft behind B747 taxing.... ' XYZ caution jetblast'.
'ground XYZ preparing to be blown'

"Report Visual" (AIP requirement to do so when an IFR pilot desires a visual approach - otherwise it's an IAP)

"Pearce Tower, Sierra 123, ready in turn"

"Sierra 123, Pearce tower , Line Up"

"Sierra 123, I'm currently behind a C-130 at the holding point and can't"
Sierra

I always love the "Contact tower when ready" as you taxi to the holding point.
:p

ATC: Virgin xxx, could you give centre a check call on 128.6 please.

Virgin xxx: Centre, Virgin xxx signal check on 128.6.

No response but the mic is open and a conversation can be heard in the background.

Virgin FO: "He better be careful not to swear over that channel"

2 seconds later

Centre:" nah...bull$hit..really?"

Lolevel..........Touche' ;)

Yes, on a few occasions I have had people report that they had me visual. Mind you I was in cloud at the time (Could be that TCAS is relied on a bit too much). :eek:

Couple of planes doing scenics at Ayers Rock

ABC: XYZ your position please.

XYZ: ABC You're in my 12 o'clock :D

Moons ago:

Osaka Depatures: Pan Am 878 you're cleared to Honolulu via Fuku 2 departure initial level 310.

Pan Am: Ok. it's Honolulu via FARK YOU too level 31 0h.

Capt Claret crewing a Pterodactyl with the guy who named me (after we had drunk far too much red, whilst solving the problems of the world):

"Brisbane Control, HK?, descending to xxxx, on top and about to enter."

Skipper wet himself as we'd just finished discussing how he'd always wanted to say that! :D

KK - The reason why we ask "Report Visual" is that 90% of pilots will not and hence get held up. Honestly I have tried this out. story - I had an AN 737 on final for RWY29 in Darwin at 4 miles he asked for a visual Approach. I responded are you visual to which he stated yes. (one of many stories that day)
I'll put one to you - why do aircrew say "Visual on top" it means nothing for ATC, NOTHING :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

This one happened to my mate just the other day. (Can't remember exact words, he may be able to help out.)

Flying into BK from Prospect, and as usual, he was required to report on final at 3nm.

A/C - "Tower, ABC is 3 miles"
TWR - "ABC, from where I'm sitting, you seem to be about 1 1/2 miles. Maybe one of us should touch up on our mileage technique".

What can u say to that?? :confused:

Cheers,
TL

Female controller in South East QLD speaking to a lighty out of AF that planned via Mount Mee. The aircraft was vectored clear of traffic and asked.
"XXX position.....resume own navigation do you wish to track direct .... or Mt Mee"
No response for a while :D

Tupela,
AIP says to say inflight conditions on first contact with approach. If you are Visual, I.e. >5km vis and clear of cloud, but can't see the ground, what are you supposed to say? We can see other aeroplanes but not the runway? I have heard many long winded explainations on "in flight conditions" - visual-but-about-to-enter etc etc. Now I know it means nothing I will modify my responce.
Back to the thread. My all time favourite is the bugsmasher inbound to Moorabbin:
"MB twr, ABC, GMH inbound, flight level one five zero zero, recieved Alpha." To which ATC replyed "ABC fire retro rockets and report passing each even thousand feet"!

Tupela, mention1 etc. visual on top can be very useful to know if we want a visual go-through. Stop giving bad advice. On thread; I was sitting next to a national- who is a very good mimic- and he was speaking to each aircraft with the appropriate accent ie British accent for speedbird etc. He became unstuck after Iranian Gulf123- Iranian accent. Response- Aussie pilot. Dillman456- Bahrainy- Aussie pilot. Oman Air789 Omani accent- Aussie pilot. Emirates7 Aussie pilot. Gulf Air123 Aussie pilot. Next aircraft to call QF15. He just says "okay, I give up".

Does visual on top not imply that you can visually sight other traffic?? Surely that can be useful?

tupela and mention1
I agree. "Visual on top" does not meet the definition of visual, as opposed to "VMC on top".
I use "on top", which implies I have vis, on top and haven't forgotten to call visual. Not strictly AIP, but I think it gets the message through.
This is probably more suited to another forum.
Cheers

Tupela : Then don't ask us "Report inflight Conditions" :p

Ferris,

Loved that one, had me in hoots! Speak to each national carrier in the accent of that country, I'll bet that was an amuzing shift. everyone would have thought that the controller changed every time a new a/c popped up on screen!

Classic.