NZ Call to Arms...
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NZ Call to Arms...
Greetings fellow Kiwi's....
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act Of New Zealand (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible service in the American Conflict in Afghanistan and other nasty places.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will join either the NZ Special And Suicidal group or the 1st Battalion Prisons and Airport Security Regiment.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy, the Air Force and problems with Air New Zealand it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. The NZDF through Atlantic and Pacific have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Freedom Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet (Your Grandfathers WW2 helmet will suffice)
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan
will do)
* Rifle (hunting scope optional, no shotguns please)
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to also buy a LAV III as delays due to political interference may not see us able to issue you with one before the conflict. By teaming up with 10 of your mates it should make the outlay a little easier on you pocket. We understand that GM Canada are currently offering all NZ servicemen options on the gun turret and a 0% finance deal, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial on-site, in the graveyard of your choice. Your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of $NZ10 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for pre deployment training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch: The Guns of Navarone, Kelly's Heroes, A Bridge to Far, The Longest Day, Apocalypse Now, The Matrix, Blazing Saddles, The Desert Song, Mary Poppins. We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum...
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
In closing I would like to stress that you will be well led, well prepared, funded to our bestest ability and fully supported by the NZ government and the people of our country. Hurrraaahhh...
Yours faithfully,
Helen Clarke
Prime Minister.
A New Zealand On Air Production
Sponsored by Minties, The Official Snack of World War III
[ 18 October 2001: Message edited by: Alternate Static ]
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act Of New Zealand (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible service in the American Conflict in Afghanistan and other nasty places.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will join either the NZ Special And Suicidal group or the 1st Battalion Prisons and Airport Security Regiment.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy, the Air Force and problems with Air New Zealand it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. The NZDF through Atlantic and Pacific have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Freedom Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet (Your Grandfathers WW2 helmet will suffice)
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan
will do)
* Rifle (hunting scope optional, no shotguns please)
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to also buy a LAV III as delays due to political interference may not see us able to issue you with one before the conflict. By teaming up with 10 of your mates it should make the outlay a little easier on you pocket. We understand that GM Canada are currently offering all NZ servicemen options on the gun turret and a 0% finance deal, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial on-site, in the graveyard of your choice. Your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of $NZ10 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for pre deployment training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch: The Guns of Navarone, Kelly's Heroes, A Bridge to Far, The Longest Day, Apocalypse Now, The Matrix, Blazing Saddles, The Desert Song, Mary Poppins. We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum...
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
In closing I would like to stress that you will be well led, well prepared, funded to our bestest ability and fully supported by the NZ government and the people of our country. Hurrraaahhh...
Yours faithfully,
Helen Clarke
Prime Minister.
A New Zealand On Air Production
Sponsored by Minties, The Official Snack of World War III
[ 18 October 2001: Message edited by: Alternate Static ]
