Does anyone know of any websites where humorous inflight announcements (both real and mock PA's) can be downloaded or listened to, be it flight deck or cabin crew announcements?

Cheers

If you are going to attempt to be humorous from the flightdeck make sure that you are funny!(golden rule)

RAF Transport Command 1950's
 

No PA!

They used to pass a piece of paper around with such vital information as position, compass heading and air speed!:ok:

I've had a couple of good PA announcements. First one was landing in Seattle. We came down very hard, and the cabin PA announcement was along the lines of: "As you will have realised we've arrived in Seattle...". The Captain then came on (BA "Biggles" type) and said: "Oh sorry about the landing ladies and gents, playful bit of wind shear". Yeah, right!

Second one was just prior to a very VERY bumpy approach into Dublin. The Captain, to his credit, warned us that it was going to be very bumpy, as well as telling us not to be alarmed if we started climbing again in case it was just too windy to land. However, he spoiled it for the more nervous amongst us by saying that: "some of the planes in front haven't made it."

Brings to mind the late Peter Ustinov relating a story when he was on a LH flight from Frankfurt to somewhere in the USA. After they had been airborne about one hour the Captain (German) came on the PA and said (just imagine Ustinov doing his German accent).."Ladies and Gentlemen those of you who are observant will have noticed that when we left Frankfurt the sun was on the left hand side of the aircraft but now it is on the right hand side. There is a reason for this...we are returning to Frankfurt!"

The way Ustinov told the story had everyone in hysterical laughter.

Another one I recall was when I was pax positiong into Newark (USA) on a B727 in about 1974 - I looked out of the window and thought the sink rate looked a bit high and we did the heaviest landing I have ever experienced on any transport a/C (and yes, touchwood, that even includes mine!). Several of hatracks were thrown open and it went very quiet in the cabin. As we vacated the runway the Captain came on the PA and said "Well folks I guess the only thing we can say about the landing is that we have "arrived" in New York - have a great weekend".

A number of years ago on an A330 flight making its approach into Shannon airport the first officer came over the PA and started to point out the views over the west coast of Ireland. "Ladies and gentlemen for those of you on the left hand side you'll see beautiful views of the Aran Islands and for those of you on the right hand side you'll see the stunning views of the Cliff of Moher. Followed by a pause ......... and for those of you in the middle ....... <pause> .... well you had the best views of the drop down monitors during the flight.

Some years ago on a flight to Aberdeen:

Captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, This is your captain speaking, we are now approaching our destination Aberdeen Dyce Airport. The runway at Dyce is not over long for this class of aircraft so we don't mess about, we put down fairly firmly as soon as we can and hope to stop before we reach the other end."

We then proceeded to experience an absolute beauty of a landing, the aircraft creamed onto the runway so smoothly.

Captain: Ladies and Gentlemen, in fairness I should point out that the beautiful landing was executed by my First Officer who has been on this class of aicraft for a very long time."

F/O: "Too bloody long!"

Captain: "As we approach the terminal building, I urge you all to remain seated and keep your seat belts fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop. Passengers booked on the onward flight to Wick should take note that I can see them trying to kick-start your aircraft as I speak."

This was after a flight during which the captain seemed to have verbal diarrhea to the amusemnt of many and the irritation of others.

D.

edit for shpelling mistook

On stand awaiting departure from Bristol to sunnier climes.

"Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your First Officer speaking. All passengers are aboard, the baggage is loaded, we are ready for pushback the paperwork done and we have clearance for start up. We are however short of one fairly vital asset. That of a Pilot. Our proposed Captain called in sick this morning and as I speak, a substitute is wolfing his breakfast as he drives frantically to the airport. As soon as he joins us we can be away."

A few minutes later a red-faced and out of breath Captain came hurtling up the stairs. The cabin door was shut before he had reached the flight deck, within certainly less than two minutes we were being pushed back prior to taking off.

I did wonder about the legailty of the flight, being that the Captain had clearly no input in the flight plan or any other of the procedures in pre- flight checks.

But we were just pleased to be on our way. The airline BTW was BA/GO about which more perhaps later.

This happens sometimes, especially at places (bases) with no standby crew.
A lot of flight preps can be done by any flightdeck crew, telephone helps to confirm with captain about weather, fuel etc.... time to push back can be very short.

Thanks for that Nightrider. It was an idle thought at the time. I didn't really think that an unqualified person was about to launch us into the air. I have flown often enough to know that the F/O would often be the one "flying".

With regard to my earlier comment about GO airlines. I was on the last flight for a particular aircraft and crew in GO colours after the takeover by easyjet. The CC were all very upset, the senior had been with GO since its inception as had most of that particular crew and all the PA's were given in a very tearful voice.

By the time we reach our destination, (I cannot remember whether it was EMA or Stansted, I suspect the latter.) All of the CC wear in tears and many of the passengers were too. I know it was unprofessional and showed lack of control, but the story seen from their prospective was touching and sometimes quite moving.

As a bystander so to speak it did seem that Barbara Cassini had her legs chopped off at the knees by BA executives who sold out a little too quickly.

One of the best from a certain Capt at BA.

Kittyhawk 1 (Queens flight) had been cleared straight into heathrow whilst others were holding for 15 minutes.

BA Capt: 'Approach. How come Kittyhawk 1 gets to go straight in while I'm holding?'

Heathrow Approach Control: 'Kittyhawk 1 has the Queen on board, Speedbird.'

BA Capt: ' Well I've got 3 Queens on board, can I go next?'

Capt PA "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen etc ..... my name is XXX and in charge of me in the flight deck is FO YYY. In charge of all of us our SCCM today is Debbie etc". Good to know who is really in charge of whats going on around us. :D

Also head on the radio with ATC a calm dignified PA apologising for the fact that the aircraft was having to divert to a local airport due to some technical problems, please listen to the instructions given to you by the cabin crew.
ATC "A very nice PA FlightXXX the airport is now closed in preperation for your emergency landing the fire services are standing by. What have you told your passengers then?"

On Maersk Air, sometime back in the 1990s, LGW/CPH. It's all going smoothly as we prepare to go flying, and we get to the safety demo.
Cabin PA in English: "We will now do the safety demonstration in Danish only."
Cabin PA in Danish saying the same thing, followed by a safety demo in Danish only. Some of the obviously British passengers looked quite put out :E
My Danish relatives all thought this was extremely funny when I told them about it.

A good few years ago as passenger on a Bulgarian Airline if I recall the Commander came on the intercom on the approach and exclaimed 'Cabin Crew The Ground is Coming Up.' I never did find out if they were joking or serious LOL

I was on an EJ flight from PMI to LGW and a senior crew member said:

"flying time will be aprox 2 minutes"

The whole cabin was laughing, very amusing!

Cabin crew talk so fast that it comes out wrong sometimes!

QF
 

Mid 1970s - Qantas 742 ex Christchurch. F/O doing PA. "On behalf of Captain Cook who will be in charge of our flight to Melbourne today...."

Poor b*gger - Qantas's Capt Cook must have become very thick skinned or heartily fed up with the reaction of many of his pax (and probably colleagues) over the years. I'm surprised he didn't change his name - though I suppose the pay cheque made it all worthwhile (he who laughs last, etc...).

At least I will always be able to claim to have crossed the Tasman with Capt Cook.:ok:

On good authority, true:

1. Manx Airlines Captain, after landing at Ronaldsway, " Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to the Isle of Man. If any of you would like to adjust your watches, I suggest you wind them back 20 years!". Serious bollocking ensued with Ops Dir.

2. Air Europe 757 that broke its back on landing at Madeira many years ago (acft write off), nose wheel punctured the cabin flooring - Thespian male cabin crew raced into cockpit after aircraft shudderd to a halt and said, "Well guys, I've had most things up my a**, but never before the nosewheel of a 757, thanks for the new experience!"

PA humour
 

I had just boarded a flight to Cuba at Manchester (passenger) & before pushback from the gate the captain came on in a very strong Lancashire accent and said "Well we're just waiting for the little tractor thingy to push us back from gate and we'll be off in nooo time"

Pretty humourous at the time :)

Off on a tangent
 

Cumulonimbus, your second anecdote reminds me of another Thespian, an elegantly clad youth who walked into a hospital emergency room for removal of a foreign object up his exhaust pipe.

He started off by telling the physician: "You're going to laugh. You see, I was planting carrots when..."

After removing the offending carrot, the physician drily asked: "Upside down, eh?"

Courtesy of www.jethros.eu
 

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'
From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.'
'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.'
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'
And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways.'
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal .. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

So that's why....... I always wondered.

Quote:

---

'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

---

I assume for landings at night it is also to hide the looks of horror on the faces of the CC

whoseroundisit
 

Your posting distills a hard core of classic airline lore. It deserves to be engraved in stone which, as in the case of Ancient Greece and Rome, will constitute most of what the archeologists and ancient historians of the next few millennia will have to work with in order to build their careers on speculating about what the schlitz we were all up to before we bottomed out like a bunch of Thracians or Etruscans.

Youtube
 

How about the new ads for Air Newzealand. All the crew are just in body paint. You'll find them on youtube. I think they are great.

Many years ago, YUL - LGA, smooth flight and landing, and then the (male) purser gets on and says "well the captain is a fantastic pilot but a lousy driver so keep your seatbelts fastened until we reach the gate." in both english and french. definitely got some giggles...

Reading these brings a smile to my face. Here are a coup[le of mine...
Arriving DFW on Delta, FA announces preparation for landing in the Dallas AREA...I asked her if we could try the airport.
Alaska Airlines arrival at John Wayne...FA, imitating Andy Rooney..."why is it that when you're at 35,000 feet, traveling at 500 MPH it's OK to move about the cabin but when you're on the ground, traveling at 30 mph, you must remain seated with your seatbelt fastened?"
Approaching Seattle on a United LHR/SEA flight, FA announces that Captain has found what he believes to be the Seattle airport so in preparation for our landing...!
Pan Am flight out of JFK at push back, Captain asks pax to not lean out in the aisle and block his view while he is backing away from the gate.
Putt

on an emirates flight the captain was introducing the crew by name and where they were from and in the middle of the names he said alice from wonderland. very funny!

Embarassing one for me...
About a year ago I was landing in Glasgow and planted the aircraft onto the tarmac.....and I mean hard! Taxied onto stand, Captain says nothing...seat belt sign comes off, Captain takes the mic..."Ladies and Gentlemen, from the flight deck, your Captain speaking, thank you for flying with us today, we hope to see you on board again very soon........( pause ) and after THAT landing my first officer ( SAYS MY NAME) will be waiting for you at the bottom of the steps to sign autographs!" To which I heard through the cockpit doors much clapping and laughing! Lucky for me the seat has a quick release drop down handle and I stayed well below the glare shield and did my paperwork quietly until all the pax were safely in the terminal!

Not a flight deck announcement but a memorable moment...

On what is normally a 15 minute flight from YVR to YYJ.....All passengers aboard but after 10 minutes, still no engines running . Flight Attendant standing at the top of the stairs looking out.... and passengers getting restless.

And then the FA says, "Two gentlemen are about to board and then we'll be departing. Please clap and give them your most enthusiastic welcome."

Greeted by applause, cheers and whistles as they came up the stairs, were a very harried looking (and surprised) Captain and First Officer. As the Captain was entering the flight desk, he turned back with a grin and said, to the passengers, "I should have known something was up, I've never seen her smile before." (referring to the FA)