Humourous PA's
 

In my days on the B707, tracking overhead The Olgas and passing left abeam Ayers Rock (Uluru) in Central Australia, the Loadmaster advised "Those of you sitting on the right side of the aircraft will have a good view of Ayers Rock as we fly by it. For those of you sitting on the left side, the best I can offer is a good view of the back of the heads of those on the right". They were good days "Rags".

PA Humour
 

It's interesting to note how many of these relate to Aussie crew - a generally more relaxed attitude to communication exists Down Under, I think.

Anyway, my one is also from Oz. Mid 1980s, Ansett 733, delayed flight from Proserpine (Tropical North Queensland) to Brisbane, via Mackay and Rockhampton, one busy Saturday. The delay was only about an hour or so but a lot of the pax had tight onward connections in Brisbane and the air con in the (then) really tiny and very basic Proserpine terminal had given up resulting in some literally hot and bothered pax who were not entirely friendly to the cabin crew when they finally got to board the flight.

Pre take off the cabin crew (all female) picked a male pax from the crowd and persuaded him to stand up whilst they did the safety briefing. This attracted the curiosity of the rest of the (still mainly unhappy) pax who then watched fascinated as the ladies not only did the usual demo but also dressed their 'victim' in a life jacket and helped him locate the straps, inflation controls, etc and showed him to the emergency exits. This at least took the complainers minds off their whinges and got the safety message across.

Just a very short hop to Mackay and a few more pax boarded. The 'victim' was persuaded to stand up and demonstrate to the new pax all he had learned about lifejackets and exits whilst one of the FAs did the PA briefing with some light hearted digs at the fairly confused performance. The 'new FA' was given some assistance from the crew who were having a great time with this, as now were all the rest of the pax - though the just boarded pax seemed to find this all a bit strange! The cabin was now in near party mode and I guarantee the safety briefing was given 100% attention and all points were covered.

Then the same again departing Rocky but this time our new friend was persuaded to do a full demo and PA, with just a couple of necessary corrections from one of the FAs. Again 100% attention as everyone tried to follow the moves and with loud applause and cheers at the end. All mistakes (not many - he was getting good!) were professionally corrected by the crew and everyone on board knew the full drill by this time - probably the only flight I've ever been on when all the pax were genuinely aware of all the necessary safety stuff. And, by now, happy as well.

By this time the FAs could do no wrong, the rest of the trip was a joy and the service excellent for a fairly short domestic sector. More loud cheers and applause for the crew on arrival. On leaving the plane everyone got a kiss, handshake or a hug from the FAs - I've never seen that elsewhere and doubt I ever will again!

Probably heaps of rules broken, wouldn't be surprised if the girls even got in trouble from higher up the foodchain afterwards but the bottom line was it worked - and brilliantly. Top marks!

A few months back with Air NZ after landing at Chep Lap Kok after an overnight sector from Auckland:

"Ladies and Gents, after ten and half hours of flying in the dark, I'm pleased to say the pilots have found Hong Kong".

A few years back, from the flightdeck of RAF Tristar while taxying onto the runway at Mount Pleasant, Falkland Islands:

"3400 miles to Ascension, tanks full, sunglasses on, hit it!"

(with apologies I guess to Jake and Elmo Blues)

To correct you ever so slightly, it was out of Ascension going north as it was "dark, and we're wearing sunglasses :cool: etc"....the leg from MPA was traditionally flown in daylight.

:ok:

Ryanair 1990....instead of 'seats for take off/landing'

'birdies to your perches'

Think he ended up Chief Pilot !

Mnay many years ago when I joined a company as the eighth steward out of a workforce of many hundreds of ladies some Flight Crew had to change their pre take off PA's.

A few did "Laker Ladies to your seats" but my favourite was alwayy "Girls down"! which changed to "Girls and John down!!!"

JFK..VS...last night...,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Captain here. Very sorry for the delay..thirteen aircraft ahead of us and as overtaking on the taxiway is frowned upon, we've another twenty minutes or so to go..."

Remember once on an Air Europe B737 jump seat ride of a Capt, who's name escapes me, relaying not the towns we flew over but the vineyards. :ok:

Years ago, flying from Stockholm, Arlanda to Östersund (another small swedish town). The aircraft and crew led by a Captain Vega was chartered from sunny Spain, nice tans compared to us pale swedes.
Anyway, taxying close to the runway for takeoff and one was expecting the ordinary "Cabin crew, take your seats for takeoff". Captain Vega instead opted for simply stating "Vamos" and off we went. :D

Virgin Blue, waiting to take off at Coolangatta:
"Folks, afternoon your captain speaking. We will be holding here for a couple of minutes, theres a Jetstar plane somewhere up there and its pilot is going to have a shot at landing it. So fingers crossed, sit back, relax and enjoy the inflight service on our short flight"

Again, Virgin Blue holding before landing at sydney:

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you are most likely aware, we have been holding for some time. We are number two to land behind a Qantas aircraft, but they advised us that they are firing up their 3rd and 4th boilers as we speak and should be out of our way very shortly. (as if questioning the fo) Were they talking about their flight attendants or speeding up?."

Approaching EDI on the Shuttle in winter a few years ago:

Captain: "For those of you on the left the weather is cold, for those on the right it is mind-bogglingly cold!".

Another time on a BA flight inbound to LHR we were told the crew were doing a pantomine for charity that evening + we were asked to guess who was playing the ugly sister, Cinderella etc...with a prize of a bottle of Champagne bought by the Captain. :ok:

"One of the CSD's introduced herself as "Rainbow" (hippy parents???). The English passengers around me were staring at each other and shrugging their shoulders."

We've a Rainbow & 2 Sunflowers :p

Heard on the radio in Sydney
 

Panop was quite right in his comment regarding the more 'relaxed' approach to announcements down under.
My crew and I were on the bus to our hotel after a flight from Singapore, many, many moons ago and the driver had the local radio on.
A Qantas passenger had written in to the station mentioning a recent holiday flight they had on which the same Flight Service Director operated on both outbound and inbound sectors, two weeks apart.
This was the announcement, she wrote, that was made coming into Sydney.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left hand windows, you'll see a very famous piece of coastline, Botany Bay and those of you who remember your history will know that this was the spot where Captain Cook first stepped ashore and discovered our wonderful country. As he did so, in his silver buckled shoes, silken hose, pantaloons, long flared brocade coat with lace collar and cuffs, topped off with a three cornered hat and a feather, the Aboriginies who met him there uttered those immortal words, "Oolah woolah, moolah boolah." which roughly translates into, "Hello sailor!"

When I joined BOAC as a young Second Officer in 1970 I recall setting off westbound across the Pond to JFK. There was another aircraft below us which we were slowly overtaking. The Captain told me that if you are overtaking another a/c (which the passengers can see) then you always tell them. On the other hand if you were being overtaken you never said anything to the passengers!

Then there was the classic story of the flight going LHR-LAX non stop, flight time ten hours. Not a word from the flight deck until 5 hours after take off when a click was heard on the PA followed by "HALFWAY". Then a further 5 hours elapsed with no further PAs from the flightdeck!

Years ago, on a B737 service from Fresno, CA to Oakland, CA. Just pulling on stand and as soon as the seatbelt signs went off, everyone wildly dashed out of their seats to be the first out the door, commented on by a "All rise!" from the front... :}:}:}

(for all those who might not know - it`s the english standard phrase to get the audience to stand up a soon as the judge walks into the courtroom during a hearing)

FA announcement
 

Leaving LHR for Singapore on BA

"Welcome aboard British Airways flight 001/003 (or whatever) departing shortly for Singapore. If any of you had not planned on including the Far East in your travel plans this evening, now would be an excellent time to make yourselves known to the Flight Attendants."

Flight from Honolulu to Maui on GO!
Distance horizontal of about 86 NM.
Distance vertical of about the same.
"When opening overhead, please be careful because Shift Happens."

Bumpy Manchester
 

A few years ago on an Airtours Charter 757 into Manchester about 10pm in gusty winds.

Pretty bumpy approaching runway with a loud thump as it touched down.

Shortly after there was an announcement from cockpit saying

'Apologies for that landing. This aircraft is fitted with an autoland system and we have to test it sometimes. This is one such occasion.

Normal service will be resumed on the next flight. Have a good trip home and hope to see you again soon. Thank you for flying with Airtours.'

In I think 1989 flying Brisbane to Darwin in an Ansett 737, the USA-bred pilot made an announcement as we were about to pass Longreach on a really clear day.

He provided a very credible history of the town and of course mentioned its connection to Qantas. But he started out by saying if you look out of the right side of the aircraft you will see we are passing ......

And then he introduced a quick right wing down movement - and said 'Oh not all at once - you should take it in turns.'

Very funny - veryone was very impressed with this new addition to the Oz drivers.

Grumpy

On a RyanAir flight from Linz to Stansted, just after landing, FO comes on and says "On behalf of your captain Michael Schumacher, we have arrived 35 minutes ahead of shedule"