The Lighter Side Of Bizjets.
Guest
Posts: n/a
The Lighter Side Of Bizjets.
Among all the doom and gloom of the moment I got to thinking about why we do 'this' type of flying as opposed to one of those jobs where we could just turn up, swan through the crew room, out to the aircraft and fufo*. What keeps us here and what we hope will bring our colleagues who are currently 'resting' back to the fold. So just in case they are harbouring any ideas of going off to the dark side how about a few reminders?
For me it's not being just a number. It's the variety of flying and the people from all walks of life. Being expected to resolve problems without just picking up the phone and calling for help.
Then there's the lighter side. After landing at a central african airport one night we asked for a toilet service. Being a bit suspicious I watched the honey truck driver back up and unlatch the access panel. He spotted me, gave the thumbs up and said possibly the only english phrase he knew, "Ok". He was doing fine until my co-captain appeared complete with the chip on his shoulder and started ordering the guy around with sign language and pidgin english which only served to confuse the poor bugger who had been about to connect the drain hose. "Pull the handle, pull the handle!" he yelled while making tugging gestures. Not wishing to upset the big, important pilot
he did as he was told and was immediately spattered by a shower of blue turds. My co-captain scuttled away under the poor guy's murderous gaze and I began searching through my pockets for a suitable tip plus cleaning money. 
*Shortest checklist in the world. Ever. Fire up, f*** off
For me it's not being just a number. It's the variety of flying and the people from all walks of life. Being expected to resolve problems without just picking up the phone and calling for help.
Then there's the lighter side. After landing at a central african airport one night we asked for a toilet service. Being a bit suspicious I watched the honey truck driver back up and unlatch the access panel. He spotted me, gave the thumbs up and said possibly the only english phrase he knew, "Ok". He was doing fine until my co-captain appeared complete with the chip on his shoulder and started ordering the guy around with sign language and pidgin english which only served to confuse the poor bugger who had been about to connect the drain hose. "Pull the handle, pull the handle!" he yelled while making tugging gestures. Not wishing to upset the big, important pilot
he did as he was told and was immediately spattered by a shower of blue turds. My co-captain scuttled away under the poor guy's murderous gaze and I began searching through my pockets for a suitable tip plus cleaning money. *Shortest checklist in the world. Ever. Fire up, f*** off
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: HonkyDong
Posts: 263
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
It's funny, some of us complain when a passenger is rude enough not to say hello or goodbye and then we treat these poor honey suckers like the stuff they are kindly sucking out of the aircraft!
My philosophy is simple...a smile, a hello and the occasional thumbs up if that's all they understand, and life is wonderful!
My philosophy is simple...a smile, a hello and the occasional thumbs up if that's all they understand, and life is wonderful!
Guest
Posts: n/a
He didn't do it intentionally. Instead of leaving things alone he complicated them and confused the poor honey truck driver.
On approach one night into a remote destination when I heard a soft 'thud!'. Landed, offloaded the passengers and asked the FO to take a torch, walk round the outside and see what had hit us. Two minutes later he was back with eyes like dinner plates. "There's a big bloodstain on the nose!". I was on the phone to the company and worried about ingestion asked him to have another look. "Why?". "Well we need to know where it went after bouncing off the nose". He looked a bit confused but mumbled something then headed off across the apron into the darkness. Wondering what he was up to I called after him only to be told "I'm off to find out where the bird went".
It might have taken him some time. I reckon we hit it at about 4 DME
On approach one night into a remote destination when I heard a soft 'thud!'. Landed, offloaded the passengers and asked the FO to take a torch, walk round the outside and see what had hit us. Two minutes later he was back with eyes like dinner plates. "There's a big bloodstain on the nose!". I was on the phone to the company and worried about ingestion asked him to have another look. "Why?". "Well we need to know where it went after bouncing off the nose". He looked a bit confused but mumbled something then headed off across the apron into the darkness. Wondering what he was up to I called after him only to be told "I'm off to find out where the bird went".
It might have taken him some time. I reckon we hit it at about 4 DME
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: US
Posts: 285
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Reminds me of a time getting close to 30 years or so ago, when a European flag carrier, stopped at Addis. New route.
Anyway to cut a long story short the honey cart boys somehow got it all wrong. Oh they serviced the toilets alright all right, all eight or how many they had on the a/c. , dont worry about that. However, they neglected to empty the toilets first.
The aircraft interior was in such a state, when the boys had finished serviceing the toilets, it had to be ferried back empty of course, to its base in Northern Europe for a whole new interior to be fitted.
Anyway to cut a long story short the honey cart boys somehow got it all wrong. Oh they serviced the toilets alright all right, all eight or how many they had on the a/c. , dont worry about that. However, they neglected to empty the toilets first.
The aircraft interior was in such a state, when the boys had finished serviceing the toilets, it had to be ferried back empty of course, to its base in Northern Europe for a whole new interior to be fitted.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Like the Netjets Europe crew finishing their tour and rushing to catch an airline asked the ground crew to service the toilet on their Hawker. In answer to the question "How much liquid?" they replied "Eight or nine litres" as they legged it toward the terminal. The handler misheard.
Eighty-nine litres and three days later when the next crew arrived.......
Eighty-nine litres and three days later when the next crew arrived.......
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Tween Hurn&Filton
Posts: 216
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Why do we do it!
I want Duck back on our forum, so he can agree that we bizness jet chaps would NEVER EVER charge anyone to use our dunnies!
I once used to operate a very early 125-800 with a removable chemical monstrosity....quite unpleasant to diconnect, very unpleasant to get out of the cabin and 'effin disgusting to empty. Blue hands, blue on trousers and brown everywhere!
Happy days, no ****....
I once used to operate a very early 125-800 with a removable chemical monstrosity....quite unpleasant to diconnect, very unpleasant to get out of the cabin and 'effin disgusting to empty. Blue hands, blue on trousers and brown everywhere!
Happy days, no ****....
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: england
Posts: 57
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Oh ****e!
Back in the days of BOAC, just after Dawson Field, when 3 airliners were blown up by terrorists, an edict came down from on high. Henceforth, in the Middle East, the Second Officer, (Me), would patrol outside the A/C as a deterrent against terrorists. Against their grenades and Kalashnikovs, we were to be armed with our trusty black rubber torches.
One night, after taking off from Tel Aviv, the only place you could then land in the Middle East was Teheran. This was still in the Shah's time. This involved flying back out over the Med, up to Turkey, across and down into Iran.
Once on the ground, I was obeying orders and circling the A/C with my torch at the ready, when I noticed the Honey Cart being attached. I wandered over and in the approved fashion gave a grin and the thumbs up. He gave me a thumbs up in return. I don't know if I distracted him, but the hose came loose and what seemed like most of the contents, that we had carefully carried all the way from Israel, covered him. He took off into the night screaming in Arabic, whilst I listened politely in English.
I then did what any well brought up English lad of twenty two summers would do and laughed til the tears ran down my leg.
One night, after taking off from Tel Aviv, the only place you could then land in the Middle East was Teheran. This was still in the Shah's time. This involved flying back out over the Med, up to Turkey, across and down into Iran.
Once on the ground, I was obeying orders and circling the A/C with my torch at the ready, when I noticed the Honey Cart being attached. I wandered over and in the approved fashion gave a grin and the thumbs up. He gave me a thumbs up in return. I don't know if I distracted him, but the hose came loose and what seemed like most of the contents, that we had carefully carried all the way from Israel, covered him. He took off into the night screaming in Arabic, whilst I listened politely in English.
I then did what any well brought up English lad of twenty two summers would do and laughed til the tears ran down my leg.
Guest
Posts: n/a
He took off into the night screaming in Arabic, whilst I listened politely in English....... and laughed til the tears ran down my leg.
More. More! You velly funny man.
Two pilots chatting on the apron when the honey truck pulls up, connects the hose and starts pumping. After a few seconds it breaks lose and showers the driver in blue turds. Astonished the crew watch as he begins to scoop the slurry into a bucket with his hands. After a bit one of them asks what happened. "Ahh, that coupling's no good. Been telling the company for years but they won't buy another". "You mean" asks the pilot "It's happened before?". "Yup, couple of times a week". "Bloody hell" says the pilot "But why are you clearing it up with your hands?". "Well" says the driver "Some bastard stole my mop last summer and the company are too tight to buy a new one". "For crying out loud" says the other pilot "That's bloody awful. Why on earth don't you get another job?" and the driver replied (all together now) "What? And leave aviation?!!"
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Location: Location
Posts: 76
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
All you people talking about 'honey trucks' are just showing off IMHO!
My aircraft has a chemical toilet, and all that entails.
Heard a great story from a guy I have flown lots with......
Landed at an airport where no one will service the loo. A little chat breaks out in the cockpit....
My friend, the Captain, says to his FO, we need to empty the loo, and I'm not to happy about doing it.
Whats the problem comes his reply, are you scared?
No, he say's, just hate doing it, do it yourself if you think you can handle it.
No problem, you wimp, he replies.
So he takes it out the aircraft, comes back some minutes later looking very green.
Whats wrong with you, and what happened, the captain says, I told you it was a horrible job.
It was ok emptying it into the drain he says, but when the rats came out and starting eating the p**, it made me throw!
I was wetting myself when I heard the story, hope the humour works in text!
My aircraft has a chemical toilet, and all that entails.
Heard a great story from a guy I have flown lots with......
Landed at an airport where no one will service the loo. A little chat breaks out in the cockpit....
My friend, the Captain, says to his FO, we need to empty the loo, and I'm not to happy about doing it.
Whats the problem comes his reply, are you scared?
No, he say's, just hate doing it, do it yourself if you think you can handle it.
No problem, you wimp, he replies.
So he takes it out the aircraft, comes back some minutes later looking very green.
Whats wrong with you, and what happened, the captain says, I told you it was a horrible job.
It was ok emptying it into the drain he says, but when the rats came out and starting eating the p**, it made me throw!
I was wetting myself when I heard the story, hope the humour works in text!
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: all over the place
Age: 63
Posts: 514
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I find it hilarious when guys who have flown for the European airlines etc. try their hand in Africa. Ordering people around like some colonial general and wondering why nothing gets done.
Even funnier on the Radio especially in Nigeria round Lagos, Abuja and Kano when you are on the frequency to two ATC ops at once. Or in Sudan where you have to make up your own appproach.....
Paradise Lost,
I remember it well...........
Even funnier on the Radio especially in Nigeria round Lagos, Abuja and Kano when you are on the frequency to two ATC ops at once. Or in Sudan where you have to make up your own appproach.....
Paradise Lost,
I remember it well...........
Aviator Extraordinaire
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma USA
Age: 76
Posts: 2,394
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
For some reason, only known by the engineering department at Dassault, the Falcon 50's Lav service port is directly under the bottom of the fusulage about between the main gear. There is not much room there to work with.
Now, in the US and airports in the world that handle a lot of corporate jets there are small lav service units that fit under the aircraft that can service the Lav without any problem. However, the problem starts when there is only the big airline Lav servicing trucks available.
First you have to show the workers were the port is. So you crawl, at least I do, I'm 6'5" tall, under the aircraft and open the door. Then the you watch the eyes of the guy go wide open, then they'll look at the truck, look back at the port two or three times. Sometime most of the fluid will finally end up in the truck. Sometimes I have had to move the aircraft to get away from the smell of all the fluid and nasty bits that are all over the ramp under the aircraft.
I have seen them dump the stuff straight from the port into trash bags, into large trash cans (rubbish) and more times than I care to remember, just dump it straight onto the ramp and then wash it down with buckets of water. For some reason known only to God, when the Lav fluid is washed down with buckets of water, it alway, without exception, flows directly to where the cabin door opens.
This is even more fun when I cannot speak their language and they cannot speak mine.
Now, in the US and airports in the world that handle a lot of corporate jets there are small lav service units that fit under the aircraft that can service the Lav without any problem. However, the problem starts when there is only the big airline Lav servicing trucks available.
First you have to show the workers were the port is. So you crawl, at least I do, I'm 6'5" tall, under the aircraft and open the door. Then the you watch the eyes of the guy go wide open, then they'll look at the truck, look back at the port two or three times. Sometime most of the fluid will finally end up in the truck. Sometimes I have had to move the aircraft to get away from the smell of all the fluid and nasty bits that are all over the ramp under the aircraft.
I have seen them dump the stuff straight from the port into trash bags, into large trash cans (rubbish) and more times than I care to remember, just dump it straight onto the ramp and then wash it down with buckets of water. For some reason known only to God, when the Lav fluid is washed down with buckets of water, it alway, without exception, flows directly to where the cabin door opens.
This is even more fun when I cannot speak their language and they cannot speak mine.
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Nearest Bombardier AMO
Posts: 417
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
What do you do when the aft toilet (read: the bosses toilet!) has a hissy fit and won't flush and you're due to depart again in an hour?
Why, you scoop the contents out with a plastic cup, of course
Why, you scoop the contents out with a plastic cup, of course
When it comes to lav service, my reintroduction into biz aviation was, hand out a couple of fivers and stand back.
Another funny military story, tho. An A/C in my squadron was stuck in Thule for an extended time due maintenance (C-5, what else), a week as I remember. Anyway, start-up time and the only thing holding up the parade is the lav service. Growing frustrated, said Lt Colonel heads back to give Sr. Airman "what for" delaying his departure from the frozen North. After having his say, Sr Airman, looks and says, "Respectfully, SIR, I am in Thule, Greenland for 2 more years, I am sucking the contents of YOUR lav tanks, that's my job, WHAT,SIR, DO YOU INTEND TO DO TO ME for delaying your return home?" Danny, knew he was beat, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Carry on, Airman."
GF
Another funny military story, tho. An A/C in my squadron was stuck in Thule for an extended time due maintenance (C-5, what else), a week as I remember. Anyway, start-up time and the only thing holding up the parade is the lav service. Growing frustrated, said Lt Colonel heads back to give Sr. Airman "what for" delaying his departure from the frozen North. After having his say, Sr Airman, looks and says, "Respectfully, SIR, I am in Thule, Greenland for 2 more years, I am sucking the contents of YOUR lav tanks, that's my job, WHAT,SIR, DO YOU INTEND TO DO TO ME for delaying your return home?" Danny, knew he was beat, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Carry on, Airman."
GF
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: england
Posts: 57
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Dog to NZ.
Apropos the Dog to NZ thread and to get this one onto less fecal matters. Once again, BOAC in the seventies. Operating the B707 freighter through Calcutta on the way to Oz. In those days we had four flight deck and a steward. Well, we had to have someone to serve us those first class meals and making tea was a highly specialized subject. Most stewards were either at the end of their careers or coming back from long term sickness and couldn't handle a full passenger service. Most of the oldtimers had been in for years and knew the job backwards.
However, in Calcutta wirh a prize greyhound on board, on her way to Oz for breeding. She had already been on board for a fair time, as the freighter stopped everywhere. The steward felt sorry for her and decided to take her for a walk. Found a piece of string and off they went. Well, the inevitable happened, of course and an entertaining interval was spent amonst the pye-dogs that inhabited the airport, before she was caught and shoved back into her crate. Least said, soonest mended applied and off she went.
I can't remember the gestation period for a dog, but some time later, a very irate dog owner demanded to know why his prize bitch had given birth to a litter of pye-hounds.
Funnily enough, the steward didn't learn his lesson. About a year later he took a husky for some exercise during a transit. He got the shock of his life on arrival, when the A/C was met by keepers from the local zoo, asking if they could have their wolf.
However, in Calcutta wirh a prize greyhound on board, on her way to Oz for breeding. She had already been on board for a fair time, as the freighter stopped everywhere. The steward felt sorry for her and decided to take her for a walk. Found a piece of string and off they went. Well, the inevitable happened, of course and an entertaining interval was spent amonst the pye-dogs that inhabited the airport, before she was caught and shoved back into her crate. Least said, soonest mended applied and off she went.
I can't remember the gestation period for a dog, but some time later, a very irate dog owner demanded to know why his prize bitch had given birth to a litter of pye-hounds.
Funnily enough, the steward didn't learn his lesson. About a year later he took a husky for some exercise during a transit. He got the shock of his life on arrival, when the A/C was met by keepers from the local zoo, asking if they could have their wolf.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Never sure
Posts: 150
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
On the subject of dogs,
I was sent to then Johannesburg International in a cessna 210 to pick up a very expensive puppy. Of course i had no handling so had to take the poor thing in it's box through security. I put the box on the floor while I searched for some paper work. Some helpful bloke then picked the box up and put it through the screening machine. The first i knew of this was when the little mama behind the monitor screamed as the little puppy skeleton moved across her screen.
I was sent to then Johannesburg International in a cessna 210 to pick up a very expensive puppy. Of course i had no handling so had to take the poor thing in it's box through security. I put the box on the floor while I searched for some paper work. Some helpful bloke then picked the box up and put it through the screening machine. The first i knew of this was when the little mama behind the monitor screamed as the little puppy skeleton moved across her screen.