real story my first cross country flight KADS to KABQ wife onboard old sundowner no idea how to land in crosswind, of course big crosswind lined up upwind to try to gain some ground ended up 200 feet to the left in the dirt, much dust finally got it stopped. ATC responded: now, what are your intentions buddy?

Air France to TWR: Sir, we it ze bird!
TWR: What did you eat?
AF: We it ze bird.
TWR: sorry, what did you eat?
AF, slowly: W.E. I.T. Z.E. B.I.R.D.
TWR: aaah, you hit the bird!
AF: Affirm, we it ze bird.

lonely night in the tower somewhere in Central Europe....inbound was Gulfstream with delegation of US Senate. The pilot was....judge for yourself.
Gulfstream: Howdy, N8XXXXX on the beam, boots down, all green!
Me: call the ball!

ATC: FLT123 minimum rate of descent -3000 FT/MIN, reduce speed 250 knots, descend FL70

FLT123: minimum rate of descent -3000 FT/MIN, reduce speed 250 knots, from FL140 Down to FL70, FLT123

Seen on arrse website.
Skyvan is given clearance to land, aircraft behind informed number two after Skyvan.
"Roger visual the shed"

"Actually - we're a conservatory".

ATC: FLT123 [garbled]
FLT123: Repeat please ATC, you were drowned out by our TCAS
ATC: FLT123 traffic passing X,XXX feet below you (etc)

Funny, because that wasn't the intent, way back when....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TgSNSTbzdA

Dusseldorf ATC
 

Heard years ago. A BA flight is departing Dusseldorf

ATC: Speedbrid XX change to XXX.XX and squak XXXX.

Speedbird: Sorry No can do, our transponder is U/S.

ATC (In very thick stage German accent): Don not vorry Speedbird, ve have vays of making you squak

Heard a couple of months ago, we’re talking to London, Speedbird inbound from the west checks in. Few moments later, controller comes on...

Controller: ‘Speedbird XX, we understand it’s your last flight after a long career with the Company, all the very best from us all at NATS.’

BA retiree: ‘London, thank you very much, yes 44 years. Appreciate all your service’

Third voice: ‘Paul, is that you? All the best. Company will be a worse place without you’

Controller: ‘Speedbird XX, that may as be, but the delay is still 15 minutes I’m afraid sir! Reduce to holding speed, direct Bovingdon to hold.’

Fourth voice: ‘Awesome, I’m one place higher on the seniority list!’

Many thanks
 

Gentle merged people, I entered this unknown area of PPRuNe for reasons which I seem to have forgotten, my attention having been caught by this thread which I have enjoyed hugely - my eyes have wept tears of mirth! I have treated it like a fine malt and restricted myself to four pages only so, as Arnie said, I'll be back.

My sincere thanks to all contributors. (It's better than JB!)

A friend told me about a friend of his, many years ago...

Student pilot at Buchanan Field in Concord, California, practicing touch and goes:

Student: "Uh, tower, I just got hit in the head by a golf ball..."

Tower: "Are you declaring an emergency?"

Student: "Uh, no. I just want to land."

Before the days of ATIS we had to read the weather to everyone. Around 7am my colleague read the weather to a Clipper who responded: " Sounds like a real nice day" My colleague: "Yes, but it was dark last night"!

FRom Secondary Aerodrome
 

Pilot of cherokee vacates runway after no radio landing.
"Scratch, scratch,scratch..." heard on radio.
SMC to Cherokee: "ABC when did you first notice that your radio had failed?"
"Scratch, scratch,scratch..."
--------------------------------
Same SMC.
ABC doing engine run on non duty runway: "Tower, ABC, my propeller just came off."
SMC : "ABC, roger, hold position."
-------------------------------

JFK
 

Shamrock inbound to Heathrow. ATC issues an EAT best marked on a calendar and sticks him into the hold at Honiley. Then, broadast to the world, well sector, comes the PA.

EIN "Blah, blah, blah and we'll be landing in 20 minutes, thank you for flying Aer Lingus"

ATC " You just lied to your passengers"

EIN "Ah yes, we'll tell them a bit later!"

Heard the other day:

AirFrance: London I have a request
ATC: Pass your message
AirFrance: Is that Speedbird company still on strike?
ATC: Well there's three currently on frequency so I guess not!

Surely AirFrance know what airline Speedbird is?! :ugh:

:))))))))))))))

https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune....e1793ce62.jpeg
you have a cow at FL...

I thought she was on Scottish Control... ?

to be continued...