English ground instructor teaching nav in a German flight school. Students are struggeling to find LFPB on an en-route chart. Instructor goes "Come on folks, you should be able to find Paris; you invaded it."

Hey folks.
A wife of a fellow controller is doing a stand up comedy gig soon.
She has lots of non ATC material but I suggested. " A pilot, an ATC and God walk into a bar."
Come on, give us your best responses please.
I'm still working on mine.
Cheers

A number of years ago I flew into Barton. On final approach the wind caught me out a bit and the approach was a bit ropey to say the least.

After landing:

ATC: "G-xxxx do you have an aerobatics licence?"
Me: "errrrr no G-xxxx"
ATC: "Another landing like that and you might have to get one!"

Helicopter student pilot after startup for a 80NM practice route:

- Tower, SP-XXX at stand 5, requesting air taxi via... eeeh.. via flight plan route!

The bartender says, "Wow. I'm honored to be in the presence of a Supreme Being. What can I get you?" And all three start to answer at the same time...

Confusion over stand allocation lead to the following conversation with two pilots in orange jets

ATC: "EZY456, change of stand, you're now going to stand 22"
EZY456 "Roger, continuing to stand 22"
...
EZY123: "Ground, EZY123 vacated"
ATC: "EZY123, taxi on A and hold short of B, you were supposed to be going to stand 22, but the company ahead has just stolen that one"
EZY123: "Roger, A and hold short B, and if you could get his name we'll have words in the crew room"

If you want educational try listening to a tape of the Tower at Oshkosh during the annual EAA Fly-in

"Oshkosh, what's my number for landing?"

"Fly 10 North to the gravel pit, find the last aircraft and get behind him."

Dublin ground: BAW836 is your outbound flight the BAW81D to Heathrow?

BAW836: I've no idea, I'm getting off!

Dub: Roger haha!

BAW836: We're goin' to the pub.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7s6t-i2lXg

Air Traffic Control to a plane that had just groundlooped: "Foxtrot Tango, do you require assistance or would you just like a little music?"

A controller passed away unexpectedly and went to heaven. God said to the controller "Hey! I wasn't expecting you here so soon!"
The controller said to God "Hey! You're in my seat! Move it."

<<<Hey folks.
A wife of a fellow controller is doing a stand up comedy gig soon.
She has lots of non ATC material but I suggested. " A pilot, an ATC and God walk into a bar."
Come on, give us your best responses please.
I'm still working on mine.
Cheers>>>

Whats the difference between an ATC and God.

God doesnt think he's an ATC...

The barman said to the ATCO: "what's yours". The ATCO replied "Orange juice" God said to the pilot: "I think we're in the wrong joke".

Listening to the Indian ATC at times makes me giggle. Talk about Bombay HF

30.07.2016
OMDB
approach freq. 125.725 mhz
1925 utc

approaching BUBIN

------

Royal Brunei 97 - RB97, are we expecting to fly the whole star tonight?
Dubai Approach ATC - Emirates573 , well at this time of the night you might, lets see your touchdown is at 49.
RB97 - RB97 , sorry thats just us being naive!
ATC - *laughing* RB97, actually yours is 48.

3 second pause

EK573 - DUBAI EK573 , DID YOU REALLY THINK WED ASK YOU THAT QUESTION??
ATC - *laughing*

--------

THANKS GUYS , WE LAUGHED QUIT ALOT TILL LANDING. CHEERS TO ALL 3 OF YOU///

FDB50

I tryed finding the link from atclive.net in the archives but that frequency wasnt recorded.

Long ago I was training on GMP (clearance delivery) by a true character (JK if any ex-EGLL people here). In those days BOAC often stated "instruments to (dest)" so...

"London Ground Speedbird 123 instruments to JFK"

Quick as a flash my training officer shouts in my ear: "He means he's got Ivy Benson's band on board"

Some time ago Lufthansa calls to cancel his start up request due to the loadsheet not being correct.

To my horror as I was taking over, outgoing GMP replies in mock German accent
'So my friend you are going nowhere, it appears your papers are not in order"

Muchas chuckling on freq but DLH took it in good part.

Hahahaha... nice one M. Glad you're still around..

Heard on Arlanda ground:
"Ground, Thai 961...Lakki Takki"
"Thai 961, say again"
"Thai 961, LAKKI TAKKI"
"Thai 961, Please say again.
A minute pause, then a new Western European voice comes on the radio:
"Thai 961, we REQUEST TAXI"

Coming off the pond this morning

"Speedbird XX FL390, any news on the delays this morning?"

"One second"

"that's a good delay..."

Sadly 15 mins at OCK but whoever slipped that gem in made my morning...

I'm not too good at using the search facility so apologies if this is a repeat.

Heathrow Director to unknown aircraft which had called established: "You're four miles behind a palindrome, call the tower......"

The palindrome in question was, I believe, Shamrock 151. The ATCO was AC!