Readbacks
 

ATC: "ABC Taxi to run-up bay report ready for further taxi."

ABC: "ABC"

ATC: "ABC Require read back."

ABC: "Taxi to run up bay, read back."

- I never thought I would hear it

Heard a few months back on APP.

ATC (female): xxx649 report ready for decent

xxx649: maam, we're ready to go down for you anytime.

Transavia 123: "Any chance for a short approach line-up?"

Schiphol APP: "No, I'm afraid you're number 4 in traffic"

Transavia 123: "Don't be afraid!"

Quite "busy" day at ARN.

SPANAIR 1106: "Request taxi"
ATC: "Spanair 1106 taxi to holding point 19L and say a number between 1 and 5"
Spanair: "Taxi to holding 19L and say again please"
ATC: "Say a number between 1 and 5"
Spanair: "Ehhh.... 3?"
ATC: "You are number 3 for departure."

You had to be there, however we have just witnessed a classic.
G-BVPR R22 on finals to woodvale..... Twr clears him to land, arrives ok. Twr then tells very nervous sounding solo pilot to taxi between two hangars. He can't grasp this instruction and wanders about for a couple of minutes, then gives up and lands on the grass. Twr says 'PR you have right of way to cross taxiway ahead of Tutor and Police helicopter and go to square of concrete between hangars'. He goes for our pad. Twr, NO! go between hangars!! Eventually he taxis to correct position after 6 minutes of being moved.
Then the call........ G-PR, I only wanted a touch and go!! :ok:

Heard on LPL tower today

ABC123: good afternoon ladies and gents welcome on board XXX to YYY, Im captain XXX, the First officer "brian" will shortly be calling the tower and asking for clearnace to push back from stand, in the mean time you'll be getting a safty brief from...went on like this for a few minutes.

once he had finished...

Tower: ABC123 is brian going to call us for clearnace to push back or not!

made me laugh. :ok:

i was doing night-vfr tcs around lowg yesterday in a c150
no other a/cs departing oder arriving till then, i was just climbing out of runway 17.
tower: OE-XXX
me: OXX, go ahead.
t: do you see the light in front of you
me: affirm
t: that is a airbus a120, so i would advise you to make a left turn soon.

was kinda funny at the moment :)

Funny true story rather than joke, heard at a fairly remote airport in 'North Britain'. They'd just got a brand spanking new tower, to replace the aged wartime one. When the old one was demolished Mr contractor had to take away its septic tank as well. Come the day when the concrete covers came off Mr c phones the management 'you'd better come and see this, it's full of johnnies'. Management 'mystified', but sporting knowing look as final piece of a jigsaw puzzle from many years before falls into place!

"Speedbird 253, 2 pieces of traffic twelve o'clock, 20 miles, 1000' above you air france Boeing 747, and 1000' below you Air France Airbus 340"

"Speedbird 253 roger, is that what you call a frog sandwich?"

------------------------------


ATC: "El Al 852 Contact Centre now 133.52, goodday"

SWR: "Roger Swiss niner echo going to 133.52 goodday

ATC: "Swiss call not for you"

SWR: "Oh Roger Sorry

*5 minutes later*

ATC:"Delta 187 contact centre 133.52"

SWR: "Roger Swiss niner echo going to 133.52 goodday this time!"

ATC: "Swiss, again, call not for you..."

SWR: "Oh.... Swiss niner echo roger I guess we just really want to leave you!"

ATC: "So did my last wife, but you can stay with me for a bit longer"

ATC, to a Shorts 360: "Command 187, can you make an intersection takeoff or do you have a full load in your Shorts?"

Just read in a German ATC forum:

Rhein: "DLH123, are you still looking for higher"
DLH123: "Affirm, loud and clear":)

At Copenhagen you can hear this quite often.

ATC: ABC123, you may save your breaks, rwy 22L cleared to land.

2 weeks ago, climbing out of Tirana/LATI:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, Belgrade request you squawk 4302"

we comply - 2 min later:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, Blegrade request you squawk 6020 now"

again we comply, but shortly after:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, please now squawk 6023"

About ten seconds pass:

TIA ATC: "It was Lady controler who told me that..."

We couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes

Nic

women
 

This one has been told to me, wasn't there and don't know if it's true or not -but it's quite likely-. Happened something like 10-15 years back when the iron wall was still in place. A russian plane calling in, being identified and given some instructions by a female controller who is finishing the shift at the time-apparently there weren't that many back then and I guess specially @ other side of the "wall"-; so that was her last transmission for the day and a male colleague takes over. A couple of minutes later the pilot comes back:

"control, can you confirm we were cleared by a woman??"

makes me chuckle anyway

A.

Was fairly late in the evening at LL many years ago and only a couple of A/C on the GMC frequency:

GMC: "UALXXX give way to the Pakistan 747, you're then cleared in" (to the cul de sac)

UALXXX: " Roger, after the Pa*i"

There then followed a pause to which the Pakistan replied " We're not moving until we get an apology!"

UALXXX: In a very confused voice " Err.. Have we offended you sir? Well, we're sorry"

The UAL had obviously just abbreviated the C/S and had no idea what he had said!

The Pakistan pilot was obviously very upset as he then crossed a Red stop bar, and then proceeded to cross an active runway ending up in T4 for a departure off 27R!!

Last night on twr.
Comair xxx are you ready to line up.
Negative. I'm waiting for a sterile Captain

Funny at the time

New to this site
 

I just finished reading throught the 49 pages to make sure I would not repeat...

True story from where I work a few years ago

To a South Eastern Delta feeder (bible belt):
CLX: AAA1234 cleared to ATL .... squawk 0666...
A/C: AAA1234 cannot accept this sqawk
CLX: roger, switch to ground who will give you your code
CLX gets a new code from flight planning and gives the story to GND with a suggestion for a joke
GND: AAA1234 I have your new squawk code
A/C: ready to copy
GND: it's 1313
long pause
CLX to GND: better give it the real one before they leave the plane
GND: seriously, it's 1234
A/C: we're happy it's a joke

I will add on a regular basis stories that happened to me or my collegues... if they are deemed funny:rolleyes:

This morning...
Scandinavian123 winds 370 at 10 knots cleared to land, 30R.
Good it was only in the simulator room, but even we at the other end on another sim of the room laughed!

Overheard on finals on an extremely stable day , having had the same high pressure area over Europe for two weeks *i.e. not O-N-E knot of wind* Munich tower goes:

TWR " LH1234 , what's the wind at 3000'?"
LH 1234 : " *Sigh*....it's two-six-zero diagonal........two"
Some time later on the apch " LH1234 , what's the wind at 1000'?"
LH1234 " Zero.Diagonal zero"

I guess this guy wasn't German.

Last resort heading
 

On a windy day from the NW.
Late afternoon rush as the sun is setting to the West.
Single runway ops on 32: light GA mixed with commercial.
A DV20 coming back to land.
TWR is trying to squeeze him between arrivals and departures.

1st try: tower gives him his sequence to turn base, he turns too late, comes close to airliner, twr takes him out of there.

2nd try: twr uses headings to point him in the opening, DV20 succeeds at messing the plan and misses another airliner.

There is still a line up of departures and arrivals.

TWR: GABC do you see the sun?
ABC: uh... yes tower
TWR: fly towards it I'll call you back

Guess what?
It worked!:ok:


In the same line:

To an aircraft that does not follow any instructions and uses bad RT

TWR: ABC do you have enough fuel to leave my zone?:E