Heard over the past two nights over a LON frequency dealing with oceanic traffic I/B from US, after extended comms requiring level changes due moderate trubulence:

US a/c (eastbound): "Errr, London, the chop is much lighter at this level".
Female ATCO (sounding fascinated ;) ): "Yyyepp!"

This morning, very much same occurence, apparently the ride at FL390 wasn't too smooth, with some flights again requesting level changes:

US a/c (eastbound again): "London, the ride is smoother at FL370, thanks a lot"
ATCO: "Oh, that's OK, sir, that's my job!" :ok:

Priceless...

overheard over frequency the other day:

xxx123 (british carrier) cleared direct to ERKIR, that's OERK'R in English

there was some laughter in the cockpit when readback was given.

Heard on France control today:-

XXX Proceed direct to Charlie Lima Mike

Pause

XXX Can you give me the lat/long for CLM?

Pause

XXX Make your heading 310 degrees!

Heard on MAN Approach yesterday morning "xxx123 737 with information victor, passing FL100 for FL80 and going like a train".

Well it made me chuckle anyway.

I did actually see the same when working GND at a Swedish air base.
Weather was CAVOK when the engineers arranged to start work on the approach lights. ......2 hrs later the fog moved in.

My slightly geriatric coworker on TWR turns the lights to 100% for a Gripen on PAR.

Que "KILL THE LIGHTS, FOR F**** SAKE KILL THE LIGHTS" (In swedish off course) in a high pitched voice on the vehicle UHF! :\ :\

Apparently 440 volts trough the spanner is not good! (The guy made it with only minor burns, thankfully) :E :E

Much more fun over a beer in the mess, then 5 minutes after it happened!

Heard on Tower Frequency today
 

EDI Tower

tower, "red arrows runway 2 4 wind 1 5 gusting 2 5 clear take off early left turn not above 1000 feet"
red arrows "roger clear take off runway 2 4"

tower "jersey xxx after the departing light aircraft on 2 4 line up and wait"
jerseyxxx (laughing) "after the departing light aircraft lining up rwy 2 4"

A few weeks ago I was on Lambourne bashing the stack down, holding was in the region of about 15 minutes. A Speedbird driver requested 1.5 minute legs which I approved.

When the time came to chuck him to Heathrow, without thinking I said-

"SpeedbirdXXX, report the length of your legs to Heathrow Director 119.725"

It took him a while to get the readback out whilst I sat there feeling like a numpty! :}

Some cheeky fella checked in shortly after with "ABC123 descending FL150, 32 inch inside leg":ok:

Heard few weeks ago:
ATC: "XXX123 descend FL200"
female voice (with really busy tone): "Two houndred, thank you, 123. But we really have to leave now??"
ATC: "As you prefere"
female: "Yes, thank you, in this case we are going to mantain a little bit more"
ATC: "Call me back leaving"
female: "As soon as I finish my tangerine, thank you"

few minutes later on next sector:

female: "Good afternoon from XXX123"
ATC: "123 good afternoon descend FL130 and if you've finished your tangerine you may proceed to ZZZ direct"
female: "Affirmative, FL130 direct ZZZ... practically seems that all the world has known the fact..."
ATC: "Eh, it could be expectable"
female: "that's ok, copied"

Four funny stories from Rhein Radar, Germany:

1. "Old" (I mean very experienced :ok:) military controller, to be pensioned a few months later working a civilian sector during low traffic. he decides to give a BA flight some unconventional traffic info about traffic blocking climb:

Rhein: "Speedbird 123, just for info, traffic is coming out of the sun, 4 miles out 1000ft high a Lufthansa A320."

Speedbird 123: "Roger, switching from missiles to guns!"

2. Probably works much better when actually hearing this :P
Rhein: "Turkish 123, contact München 133.755"

THY123: "Roger, contact Mission, 133.755" (at least it sounded like "misson")

A/C: "Houston Hallo, Lufthansa 152 Fl290"



3. Female trainee fighting hard during a departure rush, constantly transmitting.

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."

4 transmissons later

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."


another 6 transmissions later, again:

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."

AZA123 (male, heavy italian accent): "Ah, do you want my telephone number?"




4. This apparently happened long before I started my ATC carreer. It was the day a pope died (dunno which one.. guess it was late 70s, early 80s?). As the news spread in the ops room, one military controller tuned in the guard frequencies 243.0 and 121.5 and made the follwoing call:

"All stations, this is RheinRadar with a generall call. Use extreme caution, the pope is climbing through unrestricted!"

He got some problems after that :=

Now this is a good one!!!!
Does anybody has any more stuff like this?!?! It's really good.

One of the funniest I heard for real was when Jason turned the landrover on it's top into a (fortunately) dry creekbed at Holbeach: -

"Tower, Rover, Rovers over, Over".

When we stopped laughing we went and rescued him.

Great bloke

Doc C

Back in the olden days, before data transfers, "Radar 'andover, an Andover over Dover, over"

Try this forum over at LiveATC:
http://www.liveatc.net/forums/index.php?board=3.0

one I made
 

a very nervous first officer was just starting his first day at a commercial airline and he was posted with a captain of almost 40 years flying, as there flight was late on arrival to Newark Intl the captain being impatient made some risky maneuvers to gain some try get back on time and touched down just as ATC cleared him for finals, later this was noticed in the gripe sheet below some ordinary stuff
"whining noise in cockpit, suggest installing a set of balls to the first officer seat!"

cheers Hank:ok:

My contributions.

Heard on the Oslo 120.375. A N-reg 777 is about to get it's oceanic clearance or similar. Can't remember its callsign, but lets call it "american"
Oslo: "American 123, confirm you are RVSM approved?"
short pause
American: "yes ma'am"
Oslo: "American 123, confirm you are bla bla bla approved?"
slightly longer pause
American: "ah, yes ma'am, we are"
Oslo: "Ok American 123, confirm you are more bla bla bla approved?"
quite a long pause.
American (apparantly fed up with looking into what they are approved for and not): "Look ma'am, were a brand spankin' new 777 straight out of the factory, we're approved for everything!"

Heard during my initial training:
In Sweden the letters are pronounced as first names, much like M is Mike and J i Juliet. This goes for the whole alphabet. The student is only slightly aware of this and hasn't learnt the system quite yet. To translate the joke, lets say the callsign is MJ.
"XXXXXX Radio, Mike Johnsson, left downwind RWY 24".
Instructor looks puzzled at the studen and asks, "why did you say Johnsson? It should be juliet".
Student replies: "Well sir, I thought Mike should have a surname!"

Also during training:
TWR: "S-KS, extend downwind".
L-KS: "extending the runway, S-KS"

/LnS

Matrix2055 - thanks for that - it had me in stitches - absolutely hilarious....:D.

Strange...

http://www.constantcomedy.com/Video.aspx?id=59

May be a re-post....

But if we are giving video links for comedy attempts at ATC humour....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeI154gaWL4

Notice how the real events are funny.. note to comedians: don't. :)

Female ATC: XXX123 have your clearance if your ready.

XXX123: Im always ready for you!

Female ATC: (spent the next few mins trying to pass clearnace while giggling!